It's amazing and crazy to me how things can change so quickly, yet through it all God is there, every step of the way. He's already orchestrated this all so clearly, now I am just following His leading.
It's been a bit of a rough couple weeks for me, my anxiety has been mounting; (I am in the process of getting my meds re-worked), and all because of one thing. I have been staying up late, sleeping in, and wanting it to go away, this thing, that just keeps looming at me over the horizon, creeping closer and closer, and finally it will be here tomorrow.
My 30th Birthday.
30 years of life.
I used to think 30 was old.
That by now I'd have accomplished and done so much more in my life, I'd have 3 or 4 kids running around and enjoying time as a family. We'd be living in a house, with a beautiful garden that I would plant and maintain, and grow. Just living life and loving every moment. I would be healthier more fit and taking better care of myself. Jake would be done with school, we'd be financially at peace, and just enjoying time together. Ahhhh.......yes. No.
I want that. All those things. Jake to be done with school, kids, a house, a garden to tend to, better health. That's where the anxiety, the evil part comes in. Sneaks into the back of my mind and whispers "see you haven't done any of that, all of those plans you had, you HAVE NOTHING to show for your life!" And I think that's what did me in these past few weeks. I let the bad, the evil creep in and really get me down.
I'll be honest here. There was a night that was so bad, I just couldn't stop crying, and everything Jake said set me off, and made everything worse. I couldn't explain it away, or even wish it away, the anxiety, the sadness, it was full force. Hard core. I promised myself I would never be that way again, and I didn't want it to start all over before I was about to celebrate one of the "big birthdays", in my life. I do NOT want that darkness slithering it's way back into my life. Not like it was, not like before. NEVER again like before. All Jake could do was hold me and let me cry. I have an amazing husband, but that's another story.
So today, the day before my 30th birthday I have realized something.
This is where I am supposed to be in my life. Right here. In this moment, in these moments. I will not try to wish away all the blessings poured out on me every day, all the love and prayers sent my way from friends and family and even perfect strangers. I am here, and I truly believe where God wants me to be. I may not have what I want, but I do know that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows. And He is the one with the plan. He knows the desires of my heart, to be a healthy, loving, wife and momma, with a garden to grow the beauty of the earth. To be a better friend and wife, sister and daughter. To show more love to those around me. To love myself more, and more. To grow in His Grace. To be open to all the blessings in my life, even the ones I think are "too small."
I have been blessed more than I ever realized in these past 30 years of my life.
He has pulled me out of the darkness, out of the pit. There is a reason I am here. He's showing me that path, guiding me down it every day. I am praising God for 30 years on this earth, and trusting Him to guide me into all the rest of the unknown years of my life.
Happy 30th Birthday to Me!
