We Will Dance...

Wordless Wednesday : Seeing the Light

2011-09-07T00:27:00.000-05:00

(Please click on image to see larger)

Crying Out

2011-09-03T00:00:00.001-05:00

I was just minding my own business really. Sitting on my couch, watching the news, drinking my coffee, and tears came to my eyes. Why am I crying? I thought to myself. This is dumb, so dumb. Why now?

All these words started to fill my head, were on my heart, and so I just started praying, talking really, to Him. I had been feeling less than, less than everything that He created me to be, and I just started talking. I can honestly say it had been far to long since the last time I really talked to God, really opened up my mind and my heart and just let Him in and those moments drinking my morning coffee, God was prodding in my heart, I am sure he had been for some time trying to get my attention, again, because how quickly I just seem to "fall away" when life gets busy and I forget to take it to him. I have been keeping it all inside, and not letting go, and it was eating away at me.

With tears streaming down my face I started talking.

I started talking about my marriage, I prayed for Jake and his schooling, for Jake to be able to continue to do what he's doing and to be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done, with a clear mind and understanding of everything that is placed in front of him.

I prayed for God to continue to walk with us through our marriage, in this season, because it wasn't going to be easy, but to just be the God who I know he is and has been in both our lives and in our marriage.

I prayed for patience for me, in waiting for things that I want so badly now but know that it is all in His time, in His plan. He already knows.

I prayed for family and friends hurting, and how much I so want to be able to do more and help more but how much I know that He is there too, going before them and already doing so much in and through their lives.

I prayed for our little church, searching for a pastor, waiting on a pastor whom we have called, and for peace and understanding in whatever decision is made. For us as a body to know that God is there in all the details and He has already prepared someone for our little church to come and lead us. He has gone before us and knows who that person is, and that I just trust him to bring the right person to us, in His time.

I prayed for strength, for peace in my unsettled heart, in those anxiety ridden places, I prayed for peace. I asked God to continue to work in my heart and my life and use me, for His purpose in the place he has called me to be, right now.

I thanked God for all he has done in and through my life, taking me out of the darkness and into the light, and how he has saved me over and over again, day in and day out and continues to do so. I thanked him for all the blessings, for all the ways Jake and I have been blessed, and that we are so amazed and ever grateful for all the blessings He sends our way, even though we know we do not deserve any of them.

I prayed to get through this day, To accomplish what I needed to get done, and that He would continue to guide me, to guide us, through every step along the way. Amen.

Amen indeed. It was amazing to have that talk with God. I need to do it more and more, and make it a part of my day, everyday; and know that I can take anything to him. The good, the bad, whatever. He loves me anyway.

Beautiful Things

2011-09-01T12:57:00.001-05:00

Just yesterday I was feeling less than. I was not perfect, unworthy of God's love and ashamed because I felt I had let him down. I had a talk with God and I will write more about that later, but today a friend shared this video on facebook and it made me realize, again, that God does not make mistakes. He makes everything beautiful, in HIS time. Not mine. And he can make it from nothing. This reminded me that I am beautiful in Him, I do have a purpose here, and my life is in His hands. Always. Thank you Jesus.

(Make sure to turn the music player on the left hand side of this page off so you can hear this beautiful music)

Yup, we are.

2011-07-05T13:00:00.000-05:00

(photo courtesy of http://thebeautydepartment.com)

Almost there

2011-06-24T12:59:00.000-05:00

It's been a whirlwind, these last couple months. I have gone from a job I loved working at, with people I loved working with, and having to commute 1 hour a day; to a job I love more, with people that are amazing, and I only commute 20 minutes, both ways. It is truly an answer to prayer. A lot of prayers. A job that came with benefits and using gifts that God gave me long ago that I hadn't yet been able to put to use. Well, good use.

It's amazing and crazy to me how things can change so quickly, yet through it all God is there, every step of the way. He's already orchestrated this all so clearly, now I am just following His leading.

It's been a bit of a rough couple weeks for me, my anxiety has been mounting; (I am in the process of getting my meds re-worked), and all because of one thing. I have been staying up late, sleeping in, and wanting it to go away, this thing, that just keeps looming at me over the horizon, creeping closer and closer, and finally it will be here tomorrow.

My 30th Birthday. 

30 years of life.

I used to think 30 was old.

That by now I'd have accomplished and done so much more in my life, I'd have 3 or 4 kids running around and enjoying time as a family. We'd be living in a house, with a beautiful garden that I would plant and maintain, and grow. Just living life and loving every moment. I would be healthier more fit and taking better care of myself. Jake would be done with school, we'd be financially at peace, and just enjoying time together. Ahhhh.......yes. No.

I want that. All those things. Jake to be done with school, kids, a house, a garden to tend to, better health. That's where the anxiety, the evil part comes in. Sneaks into the back of my mind and whispers "see you haven't done any of that, all of those plans you had, you HAVE NOTHING to show for your life!" And I think that's what did me in these past few weeks. I let the bad, the evil creep in and really get me down.

I'll be honest here. There was a night that was so bad, I just couldn't stop crying, and everything Jake said set me off, and made everything worse. I couldn't explain it away, or even wish it away, the anxiety, the sadness, it was full force. Hard core. I promised myself I would never be that way again, and I didn't want it to start all over before I was about to celebrate one of the "big birthdays", in my life. I do NOT want that darkness slithering it's way back into my life. Not like it was, not like before. NEVER again like before. All Jake could do was hold me and let me cry. I have an amazing husband, but that's another story.

So today, the day before my 30th birthday I have realized something.

This is where I am supposed to be in my life. Right here. In this moment, in these moments. I will not try to wish away all the blessings poured out on me every day, all the love and prayers sent my way from friends and family and even perfect strangers. I am here, and I truly believe where God wants me to be. I may not have what I want, but I do know that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows. And He is the one with the plan. He knows the desires of my heart, to be a healthy, loving, wife and momma, with a garden to grow the beauty of the earth. To be a better friend and wife, sister and daughter. To show more love to those around me. To love myself more, and more. To grow in His Grace. To be open to all the blessings in my life, even the ones I think are "too small."

I have been blessed more than I ever realized in these past 30 years of my life.
He has pulled me out of the darkness, out of the pit. There is a reason I am here. He's showing me that path, guiding me down it every day. I am praising God for 30 years on this earth, and trusting Him to guide me into all the rest of the unknown years of my life.

Happy 30th Birthday to Me!

A Bright Sunshin-ey Day

2011-05-28T13:10:00.000-05:00

A few of the signs of new beginnings, warmth, and the hope of each new day. Given to us. Praise God!

Enjoy.

Dancing in the Minefields, in the Shadowlands

2011-03-08T13:33:00.005-06:00

Today I am feeling like there are bombs being thrown at me, and Jake and at our marriage. So many bills piling up, so little money, need gas in the truck, there is no money. So much worry. So much time spent fighting, throwing bombs at each other. We are in the minefields people. Big time.

I have been feeling really low, not to the point where I am back to the point in the journey of my illness that it is so bad I don't even want to get out of bed, but it is getting there, and that scares me. There have been later and later nights spent awake, and more and more worrying and such anxiety and tears about things, that looking back over the last few weeks (who am I kidding the last few months), mean so little. I know this:

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)

So I know that my tears mean something, I get that, but right now, entering that pit again, those tears just feel so empty.

So here I am laying myself out for the world to see. Broken. Empty. Stumbling. Admitting that I can't do this alone, oh believe me I have tried, I DO try, but it always ends up back to this point. I get full of myself, feeling better, loving life (on the meds) that I think I don't need anything, any meds, to help me hold my head up and keep me from throwing things at Jake's head.

So I stopped taking them awhile back, it's been a few months now; thinking that I could and would do better without them this time. I did it for a lot of reasons. A lot of excuses really. But really I think that I am still so afraid of being judged by others, of being labeled: Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. Anxiety attack girl. Yup, that's me. So afraid that I just gave up on myself really. I let myself fall back down here, and now I need help back up again.

Yes. I need help. I said it. We need help, Jake and I. We need your prayers. My illness is wearing on my husband, I can see it. He's been having more and more sleepless nights too, worrying about me, worrying about money, and bills and everything a husband worries about. He just wants to fix it, and I know it hurts him that right now, he just can't. It makes things harder for him, and the last thing he needs, especially now while in school is to have all of this extra crap piled on him.

He can only handle so much and then he's just done, not with me, just done with trying to help fix me, trying to make me feel better about me. Done. Trust me, I get it. If the situation was reversed and it was him going through it, I would have been done, and stopped caring a long time ago, and as ashamed as I am to admit that, that's saying something. I know what I put him through on a daily basis and I know that it's not easy. At all. I know sometimes he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away, run even, because I know that I am a lot to deal with.

But he doesn't. He doesn't do any of that. He's a strong man and I know for certain that God put him in my life because He knew I needed someone that could handle me. All of me. At my best, and my worst. I know he really loves me. I don't know many other people that could handle the moods swings, and yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing of inanimate objects at one's head. He does it. Everyday. Thank you God!

So now it's time again. Time for the meds. Gotta go get a med check at the clinic to do that. And sleeping regular hours again, which will come with taking the meds.

God's promise to me and Jake. HE will carry us through these dark days, through the shadow-lands, and we will keep dancing through the minefields. Together.

Now turn the music off at the bottom of the page and listen to this music right here. It touched my heart in a HUGE way today.

Conversations with God

2011-02-24T13:51:00.004-06:00

Today, well lately I have been feeling really down. Down and out. I am really trying to not be in one of those things where I am feeling "sorry for myself" but I am having a really hard time with that lately. It seems things here are getting harder by the day. Jake and I really don't spend time together lately where we're not talking about money and finances, school, jobs, how we're going to afford to get groceries this week, amongst a list of things that seem to be building up around us.

These things usually end up with us having an argument about something, and I hate that.

I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be able to spend the time with him and just be together, not worrying, not wondering why? or how? or when? I just want to be able to be in those moments with him, those moments that I SO cherish, because I know this time, in our lives is not forever. I have to keep reminding myself that we are in a season in our lives that is not easy, that things are not coming easy for us, but that we are always and constantly being provided for, by the Grace of God we are getting through.

I know people are praying for us, thinking of us and helping us out in all sorts of ways that none of the CRAP should matter. But it does. It weighs heavy on my heart, and it is really hard for me to just let it be, just let it go and let God have control over it. I think it's because I am constantly trying to tell God what I want, and not letting him just do His thing, when He is OBVIOUSLY very capable thankyouverymuch.

Some "Conversations" I've had with God lately:

Conversation #1:

Me: But everyone is having babies, why can't I have one too! I just want to be a momma to someone and it's not fair! Why are you breaking my heart this way?! I want this so much, why aren't you helping me out here, I mean throw me a bone or something!

God: Yeah, I got this. In my time.

Me: No, you obviously don't get it! Breaking. MY. Heart.

God: I HOLD your heart. In my time.

Conversation #2:

Me: Why can't you just give us the money we need so we don't have to worry about where our next meal/rent/gasinthecar/electric bill/etc. is going to come from?!

God: I always provide.

Me: But, no really, seriously, why can't you just show me the money!?? I am so anxious and stressed out here, don't you see this isn't good for my health?

God: I always provide. Do not worry, I got this (aka: I am in control).

Obviously those conversations with God didn't work out the way I had in mind, but I knew He was right. About everything.

I can tell God what I want and need and want (yes I realize I said that one twice), until I am blue in the face, but I always come back down to earth and back to reality and realize that it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what God wants for me and Jake, and He knows what's best for us, even when we think we know better. We just need to have the patience (He knows I have problems with this one), and let Him have the upper hand, to have the control over our hearts and minds, and well, our LIVES.

This is a hard one for me because if you know me at all, you know I am STUBBORN with a capital "S". I want what I want and I have been known to whine and beg and plead. Let me tell you, that hasn't worked out so well with God. I know He knows what's best for me and Jake and I know it's in HIS time, not OUR time. I am learning patience. I am growing through GRACE. We are giving it ALL (time, money, circumstances, tears, laughter, love, the list could go on), to GOD.

This is our prayer:

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

-Josh Wilson

Fresh Start, the Year of Grace

2011-01-17T15:14:00.005-06:00

Hello everybody and welcome to the New Year!

I know I am a little late in saying that, but things around here have been busy, well, I guess it's felt that way, I don't know if I really am, maybe more like "putting things off." I have a great habit of doing that. ::insert sarcasm here:: So anyway, here I am off and ~~Running,~~ ~~walking,~~ ~~tripping,~~ no, more like schlumping into the new year.

Fabulous. Not really how I was hoping to start the "grand kickoff" to my weight loss, amongst other goals I have set for myself this year. (No New Year's resolutions for me, I have changed my mindset), and instead have decided upon goals, I make resolutions every year, usually the same ones and they never come to be, let alone even started. This year my goals are these ( In no particular order, because they are all important to me):

1. Lose weight, get healthier so I can go in to my (gasp!) 30th year of life with more energy and focus and more loving me!

2. Become more organized. Trust me I have the best intentions when it comes to this, but somehow it always veers off course.

3. Keep the apartment "tidy." This by no means means spotless. It is nice when that happens, but right now I am to the point where I have to stop kicking myself when it doesn't look "perfect" whatever that means. To me as long as I can pick up after myself and keep the dishes out of the sink and the laundry from piling up half way up the wall, I will call that a success and keep going from there.

4. Look for a second job, or a full time job. I love my job at the Pier, but I need more hours, so I am just praying for another fitting part time job, or a full time job doing something that I love!

5. Sell my photographs. I have an account all set up, I think it's just a fear of failure or lack of people "loving" what I do that makes me scared to do it, but I am going to face that fear, put myself out there and just roll with it!

6. I want to learn how to knit. I want to make scarves, and socks and cute little baby things, and NO that is NOT a hint about anything. Trust me. Not happening. Yet.

7. Make more time for my husband. I am going to be praying for him every day.

8. Take my medication every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to take it because I am "better" but trust me, I need to take it. I am not better. I make excuses and I have been having headaches lately because I need to go for a Med Check at the Mental Health Clinic in order to renew my meds and I have been putting it off. Laziness really, no other excuses, and the fact that I think I am okay. Yeah, right. So I have to take care of that, and then go from there.

I love fresh starts, the chance to start anew and begin again, it's a GRACE in my life I cannot do without. I have to accept the GRACE, and keep moving forward. I think that is one of the biggest challenges in my life. Not beating myself up when something doesn't go MY way. I am still learning that lesson, to let go and let God, to accept his GRACE even when I feel like I am a loser and have let Him down, again. Big surprise, what's new right?

I think that might even be the most "important" goal on my list. To really let God in, allow him to move me and show me what He wants for me, for Jake for US in our lives. We are searching, we are listening, we are striving now we just have to give God that space, to accept His forgiveness, the fullness of Him and his Grace, and let Him lead us where He wants us to be. Whether that is reaching our goals we have set for ourselves, facing new challenges or just being present in every moment, of every day.

We know God is guiding us, we just have to give up the stubborn beings we are and let Him do it! I have a habit of thinking I know "better" than God what I need in my life and so I tell Him how it's going to be! Yeah, that doesn't work so well, it has NOT been working so well. This year is the time I allow it to be up to God. To Take my life and let it be, for Him!

So, here's to fresh starts, new beginnings, a Genesis, accepting Grace and letting God take over.

A Christmas Pickle

2010-12-19T19:13:00.004-06:00

Yup there it is in all it's splendor, right smack dab in full view on our little Christmas tree.
Now you must think I have totally lost it. I have just decorated my tree with a gherkin. Jake even went so far as to roll his eyes when I unveiled it from my little Pier 1 bag, but I think he likes it now. I think.

Well I am a little crazy, but the small gherkin on my tree does have a story behind it....

There's a Gherkin hanging from my Christmas tree Charlie Brown...

Supposedly it's an "old German tradition" but apparently, at least according to the article above, it's a legend.

Regardless of tradition or legend surrounding the glass gherkin, we are carrying on the "tradition" in our house, mostly because it's fun, and Jake's family is German and has done this for years!

Since I first learned of this "old world tradition" I have wanted a pickle ornament of my own to hang upon the limbs of my humble tree, and now I have one and can carry on the ~~ridiculousness,~~ ~~craziness,~~ ~~laughable-ness~~, tradition from my husbands family and make great memories stemming from the gherkin that sits in my tree.

Isn't it fabulous?!

I think it's pretty special.

There stands a little Christmas Tree...

2010-12-15T22:20:00.021-06:00

..... looks a lot like Charlie Brown’s.

Well pretty close, a little "nicer" but still humble in it's own right

Took some pictures of the most beautiful, humble, little tree standing in the living room of my one bedroom apartment on Douglas Avenue.

Well, I think it's beautiful.

It's simple and not fussy and showcases some ornaments that Jake and I have gotten from others or collected over the years.

This tree holds a lot of memories already; it's got some big "memory" shoes to fill I can tell you that.

New memories. The owl ornament I purchased from Pier 1. I got a great deal on it, and fell in love! I just love owls. Can't get enough. Seriously, I am obsessed! I might need help, I'll let you know. Some sparkly, shiny glass ornaments, I drool. Really. We begin new memories of our own with these on our tree. Fabulous.

Old Memories.

The clear plastic stars, given to us by Jake's mom for Christmas last year, we called them "throwing stars," they're sharp and pointy, but boy do they ever sparkle on that tree.

The Faith ornament, given to me by my parents, it's my middle name, and means so much more to me than just the middle name given to me. It's the basis of my belief. In my trust in God.

Hebrews 11:1 (The Message)

¹The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.

The red wagon. I am told it was the first Christmas ornament ever given to me. It hangs on our tree every year. It will hang on that tree every year, as long as it lasts. The red wagon. It's the ornament that started the giving of all the other ornaments, and for that I am forever thankful.

We are blessed in the fact that we get to decorate OUR tree with these ornaments and so many others! We get to make new memories around a tree filled to the brim with such great memories already.

Memories that are ours. Together. Around our little Charlie Brown tree.

I cherish those memories already. I know they are fleeting and for a moment and oh how I cherish them! Someday there will be so much more going on in our lives, God willing there will be children and we will share even more memories and noise and laughter around the tree. There will be chaos and going here and there....and so now, right now, I take in these moments, breathe them in deeply and savor them.

Simple moments. Sharing life, and love and laughter, just the two of us.

To be Content:: : to appease the desires of

2010-12-12T18:56:00.005-06:00

: feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation

Today, after a long few weeks of wrestling with myself and with God I decided to try and be content. To try. To be content with what Jake and I have and are able to afford is more like it.

That is a hard thing to do especially during this Christmas season when everything and everyone is telling you "more! you need more, you want more you MUST have more!" Well this year we can't have more, even though I admit I am selfish and totally wanted more. A bigger tree, more ornaments, better smelling candles, after all I didn't want to be stuck with the same old 3 foot artificial tree and ornaments I've had for years! They would make my apartment look trashy, and not modern, or good enough, what would people think?!

I already have so much of the same in my life, I just wanted it to be nice, and different, but unfortunately nice and different costs money and that is something that does not grow on trees, not even Christmas trees.

Bummer.

I didn't care.

I dug my heels in and refused to put up that little tree, I wanted a real one, a big one, and I told Jake about it every day; "You know the flower shop on the corner is selling real trees for only $19.99!" I would say with excitement and the hope that he'd say "Well let's run right out and get one if they're only $19.99!" This obviously did not happen, and did not happen more than once, my discontent for the whole situation was growing. Jake refused to give in and that made me so angry, I wanted that tree and I was going to get it if.....well if.....if we had enough money to pay all our bills and had some leftover I was going to get it. And that was not going to happen.

We were, we are just barely getting by, and it's so hard to write that. Maybe because I am afraid people will judge, will criticize and say nasty hurtful things about us and our situation and that I should try harder, be better, get another job, just get over it, stop using it [depression and anxiety] as an excuse. I am screaming out to all these negative voices to "SHUT UP!"

I had to scream at these voices while I was sharing what God has been teaching me these past few weeks at Bible Study on Thursday. Everyone else had shared and it was my turn. Sandi asked me and my response? First I gave some lame-o answer about "yeah, what she said" referring to one of the other girls in the Bible Study group. Then I felt a sense of guilt and my throat clenched up and I could feel the tears coming. I blurted out how even though Jake and I have so very little right now that God continues to provide and sends us money through giving, loving people, through lost gift cards that have been found; ( gift cards that will help pay for groceries and the majority of Christmas gifts for our families this year), and how just when I don't know how we're going to pay the bills or put gas in the vehicles, there it is, there HE is, God providing for us once again.

This is when I realized my discontentment had been taking over my life. I wasn't happy because I thought I deserved more, I thought WE deserved more than what was getting thrown our way, only to have my eyes and heart opened to the fact that we were being cared and provided for in ways that I had obviously begun to take for granted. That made me so ashamed. Over and over again I take what God has given and done for us through our marriage for granted. I forget and so often need to be reminded.

My prayer now is that God in his infinite GRACE will continue to remind me, to let the scales fall from my eyes so that I can see him more clearly and learn what he is trying to teach me. I pray that my heart will be opened in a way that it never has been before, that I will not take for granted all the grace, love and mercy that surrounds me everyday. I pray that we would be happy with the "simple" things of life and cherish every moment with each other, family and friends that is right now.

Today I set up the Christmas tree. Yup, the 3 footer, and I have to tell you it has never looked more beautiful than through these newly opened eyes.

Blessings,

2010-11-15T18:25:00.001-06:00

What love really means

2010-10-26T13:42:00.002-05:00

Turn off the music at the bottom of the page for this, trust me you'll want to hear what this song has to say about real love. It made me think, it made me cry, it made sense to me. For this is what I heard on that day when God spoke to my heart, to my life. He came to me in my darkest hour and said these words to me.

So beyond thankful for a God who can love me like that. There are no words.

Jake - I praise God for you!

2010-10-06T06:45:00.003-05:00

I penned out these words in my little "made of recycled materials" notebook as I sat in Starbucks last week Saturday afternoon. Yes Starbucks, I went for a walk, and well "Hello, my name is Nikki and I am addicted to Starbucks," their beverages mostly, but on Saturday afternoon the mood was mellow and calm sitting at that table by the window along Lincoln Way.

As I was sipping on my SFCD, Soy Frapp, my head was filled with all these thoughts of our upcoming anniversary celebration. For those of you who do not know, Jake and I have been together since January of 1999 and got married on October 6th, 2007. You do the math :-)

My pen kept going, my mind and heart overflowing with all these words and thoughts of my husband:

God given, lover of God, man after Him.

Life sustaining- normalcy bringer, you bring me back down in those moments when I could drift away into the depths. You know.

Hand to hold. Fingers interlocking. Squeezing, warm. Amazing.

Arms to wrap. Always warm, always ready and waiting. Comforting.

Blue-eyed wonder. Love it. No other words.

Working hard. Always, in everything you do. Thank you for this. I don't say it enough.

Striving, trying, you make me proud. All the time. Never doubt that. Ever.

Searching for answers, always wanting to know more.

Dreaming big dreams, you know what. We dream together. Thank you.

Hopeful about the future and what it will bring, trusting God to lead.

Learning, always learning. I love this about you.

Enduring. Holding me up. Pushing through the pain and the darkness with me, even in the darkest hours you never abandoned.

Encouraging me in all things, loving me, praising me. Love you.

Smile. Oh that smile! God knew I needed it in my life. Yes He did!

Friend. You are my best friend. I know you are mine, God gave you to me for a reason.

Random. Love that my randomness amuses you. You know I try. Something about cows talking?

Laid Back. You help me relax. You help lighten my load, my burdens are lessened thanks to you. I love you.

Uncle. You're amazing with those kiddos. They love you and you take it all in stride. It's amazing to see you with them. Did I mention you're amazing?

Future Father. Someday. I know you'll be great. We'll be great together. Never perfect, but we'll make it, no doubt.

My Favorite. Always. As long as we both shall live. You know this. I tell you often.

I love you.
My God-given, Blue-eyed man.
I love you.

Learning to Lament

2010-10-02T17:25:00.004-05:00

God I need you, this sickness is gripping my life and sometimes controlling me. I have my good days which you have given me and for that I am forever grateful! I know your love and grace can rise above all of this as it has done so many times before.

Dear God, I suffer with depression, with anxiety and sometimes my bipolar-ness feels like to much for me. I am in a dark place, a place so deep that I feel as if the light will never reach me. People around me can see this change in me, and they don't like it anymore than me. I have abandoned you Lord, I have turned away from you because I feel like you are not there, like not even you could help me now.

Still God, I know you are there, you are holding me, walking beside me, being my light in the darkness. I can see your hand in and through my life, my family and friends.

God please take away this darkness, this evil thing that surrounds me, hold my heart God, you are the maker of the moon and stars and you know my heart, my mind and you've seen it breaking and cracking and you are holding it in your hands.

I know you hear me, you have lightened my darkness you have pulled my life out of that dark, horrible place. You protected me even when I turned from you. I will tell everybody about how in my darkest night you came to me in my little apartment on Douglas Avenue and showed me you are still there, you have been there all along, you shone your light behind my bedroom door and I praise you for bringing me back, to you, to the world, my friends and family.

God I praise you for your light in my life!

This is something I wrote in our Adult Discipleship/Sunday school class this past April after Jake and I started going back to church. We were "challenged" to write a Psalm of Lament and this is what came out. I have to say it was a very cleansing and purifying thing for me to write my grief, my darkness down in this way. I have always loved poetry and writing, but this was something new, something I grabbed onto and something I now cling to; it helps me get through a lot of dark moments.

I encourage you to write your own Psalm of Lament, if you have any questions about how I went about this let me know. I have a "checklist" of the structure a lament should take, but regardless, just know that no matter how you write it God will hear you and be in that moment with you. He is never so far that we cannot reach him, that he cannot hold us. He is there in every moment and goes before us. What a comfort.

Jake and I have shared this experience

2010-08-25T15:34:00.003-05:00

Prayers for the broken

2010-08-12T00:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Lord,

My heart is hurting, hurting for so many reasons, and you know why, you know all things and that helps to ease my heart and mind and give me peace, knowing that you are all knowing.

God I just fall on my knees before you, I give up, I give it all to you. I can't do this alone, and I know you always promised you'd be there God, that you'd never give me a burden so heavy and lonesome that I would carry it all by myself. You knew I would never be able to carry these heavy weights on my own and so you come alongside me and send people here on earth to walk down the dark paths with me, as your lanterns in my life. Thank you God for all those people.

Thank you God for you hand holding steady on my heart and and in my life. You are my one constant, in you I hope, believe, and endure all things because I know that you will never leave me or forsake me.

Thank you God for the times in my life when I felt most alone and afraid, because in those moments you showed yourself to me in awesome and wonderful ways and helped remind me that even when I don't feel you there, you are there, in the darkest moments of my life you shone forth your light into my life, I will always be amazed and in awe and praise you for that moment, for all those moments in my life, Thank you God.

God the future is uncertain, there are so many things that I think about, worry about, wanting so much more than I already have. God I ask that you calm my mind, my fears for things seen now and things yet to come. Give my heart peace and rest that I know I can only find in you, in your presence God. Take the worries from me, I give them all to you and lay them at your feet, knowing you are the one who can take them away and I never have to worry again, but you know I will God, and I just ask for forgiveness in those times when I worry and struggle, I pray that you will show that to me so that I will give everything over to you. God I want more, I am selfish and I know that you have already given me so much in this life. Help me to be more thankful and not take for granted all that you have given me, open my eyes, my mind and heart when I find myself in the depths of this.

God I thank you for my marriage, for my husband, who you so obviously put here on earth for me to meet. I praise you for knowing just what I needed in a man, in a partner that I prayed for and you brought him into my life in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty, you always knew what was best for me. God teach me to let go of control of my life and my marriage to you, for you are the only one strong enough to carry and sustain it through all things. I praise you for bringing Jake and I through one of the darkest points in our marriage. Even in the pit of depression and anxiety, you were working in our marriage, in our lives and I see that now, please forgive me when I did not see it sooner.
God we would have never made it through those days without you, and I don't know why we tried. I am so amazed by the grace and mercy you've shown to us and continue to show to us through everything. You are amazing God! You continue to fill our lives with blessings. Blessings in the form of people, places, and so many things too numerous to name. Thank you God for being a God who gives, as well as a God who takes away, for in all those things we can see your hand guiding us as we walk the road you've laid out before us.

God I just pray that you will mend broken hearts, bring peace where there needs peace and understanding too. Please protect the hearts and lives of the people around me, I lift them all to you. You know all their thoughts, and unspoken words. You know all their hearts and brokenness in and through their lives right now God. You know their praises and songs to you, you know every meaning of every tear cried, you know them God. You know what they need more than I do. I know your heart hurts when they hurt and all I ask is for you to surround them with your grace, mercy and love. The love that only comes from you Lord God.

I love you so much God, Holder of my heart.

Amen

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

2010-08-03T16:13:00.006-05:00

Let's just say I am now a sobbing mess. Praise God for the grace and mercy and love through the pain in my life! He has never left my side. He truly is EVERYTHING!

(I encourage you to go to youtube and watch this video since it doesn't fit here, but I just loved the message in it so I had to share!)!

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Find your wings

2010-07-22T11:31:00.012-05:00

Dear Daemon,

Today is your 5th birthday, and I cannot believe you are that old already! It seems like just yesterday when your mom and dad called and were so excited that you had finally arrived after many hours of labor and finally a c-section in the hot Texas weather. Even then you were a stubborn little boy!

I finally met you when you were 2 months old. You came to live with your mom and dad at GG and Pops' house when you moved up from Texas, and I was living there at the time too. How how I loved those days! Even when you would cry I would just think how awesome it was to have you here and how I wished I could have been there for your birth! It was great having you living at that house D-man, we spent so much time together, so many days and nights getting to know each other. I loved it when your cue ball head went from bald to curly, almost overnight! that curly hair, oh how I love the thought of it and miss it on your head even now, I would love to run my fingers through that mop of hair on your head.

You are the smartest little man I know. Reading by yourself when you were 4 years old, you know the alphabet forwards and backwards. The time you counted to 100 for me, that was awesome! You can probably count to infinity by now you're so smart!
Even your teacher was impressed.

You love to read, and you love to read to me when I come and visit and I love to soak it all up, and I just marvel at you, you are a little wonder, a little blessing, and you get smarter and smarter every time I see you. You even showed me how to log on to PBS Kids, and how I should really click the "Hint" button when I play Bejeweled because it will "help you out a lot." You make me smile.

You used to call me Auntie Ninny because you couldn't say your k's for "Nikki". I loved hearing you say that, it just made my heart melt. A few months ago I came home and you called me "Auntie Nikki" and oh how happy and sad I was all at the same time. Happy because you are getting bigger and smarter, but sad because I knew that I was always going to miss being your "Auntie Ninny" but I will always remember it too!

And buddy? I know that I am farther away now, and I don't get to come see you as much as you or I would like, but don't ever for a second think that means I don't love you and think about you and pray for you every single day! I would be there in a heartbeat to spend time with you and have you read to me, and show me how to use "my camera" and tell me everything you did that day over and over again.

1 month from now you will be starting kindergarten and I can hardly believe it! You are getting to be such a big boy and the time sure has flown by, I know your mommy and daddy say the same thing too. Even though I won't be there for your first day of kindergarten, just know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you and loving you still.

You are my little D-man, my little buddy. Happy Birthday!
Love,
Auntie Ninny

Even in the Dark

2010-07-21T20:54:00.003-05:00

This song and words touched my heart today in a way I really needed it. Just wanted to share with you:

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright s´gonna be alright

Goings' on

2010-07-19T23:56:00.003-05:00

It's been way too long, but I have so many things to share!
There have been many more ups and downs in the life of Nikki and Jake, Jake and Nikki since I wrote last.

Jake and I started going back to church in April, a move I believe that was in the making for some time, but me, being well, me, I was being selfish during all of the depression and the bi-polar and anxiety issues and sickness that I was dealing with. I thought if God couldn't help me through that and protect me from that then I didn't need Him anyway, and so I just stopped going to church, stopped being involved in that community and, just stopped. Everything just stopped, time stood still, even as it was passing me right by. I think of all the things I missed because of my foolish heart, of all the things that God was trying to tell me and fill me in on, all the great songs I never got to sing and people I never got to meet. I mourn that loss now.
Since going back I have joined the praise team and get to use my gifts through music every week and I love it! We've even joined a great community group filled with amazing, God-loving, sharing, caring people. It's been an awesome healing in my life and in my heart. God has even blessed me with a great friend that I can tell anything to, and I know that God brought her into my life for a reason, and I knew it the first time I met her. Honestly. I am in awe of how and why God put her in my life, she's an awesome person, and lives God out in her life, and is never afraid to share something with me from experiences in her life if she thinks it will help in my life. I praise God for the blessing she is in and to my life!

I have been jobless for over 9 months. Well in June I was offered a part time job at a retail/decorating store about 20 minutes away. I jumped at the chance, and even though it is only part time I love being able to get out and do more with my days. It helps to fulfill my longing for interaction and helping out in a way. I love my job, the people are great and right now I think this is a great fit for me! At first I was sad that it was only part time, but I think getting back into working, that maybe it's a good thing so that I can adjust to more "normal" way of life again!

After some encouragement from others I have finally decided to take on Photography more, and took a big step! O have begun posting my pictures on Darkness is as Light Photography and have even been approached to sell some of my images which I am really excited about! I have even looked into schooling options for photography and have found a great one through the Art Institute of America that I can take online, which would be awesome! Still looking at that though, cause the time and money involved would be great. Right now I am happy to be taking pictures for family and friends and just being able to show other people what I love so much about nature and the outdoors through my eyes, and through the lens of my camera.

I look back to last September when I lost my job, and think of how different things were then. How hopeless, how alone and lost I felt in my life and how no amount of anything, even God was going to make me feel normal. Make me feel more like a human again. Make me feel more of anything. I can see my journey out of the darkness and into the light. I heard a song on the radio today, and here's just some of the lyrics:

♬ ♪ ♪ Would you dare would you dare to believe ♫ ♬ ♪ That you still have a reason to sing ♫ ♩ ♪ Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling ♫ ♪ ♩ It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming ♫ ♬ ♪

And that is so true! All that pain that I had been feeling that was weighing me down could never compare to what God has in store for me, what his plans are for my life now and the future and for eternity! I still have a reason to sing, and I praise God for giving me that reason in Him.

Darkness is as light

2010-05-07T14:10:00.003-05:00

Psalm 139 (Today's New International Version)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, [a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I was inspired by another blogger today to read this passage from the Psalms. It really hit my heart in a big way. My life the way it is, and the struggles I have everyday along with all the worries I have about those struggles. Sometimes I forget that God is always there, even in my comings and goings he is there, watching over me, guiding me, loving me.

Psalm 139 11-12:

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

These verses especially fill my thoughts today. All of the darkness of depression, and anxiety, and bi-polar disease that have been pushing down on me; all those times when I felt so alone so lost in my own darkness I forgot that God, my God who can do anything; more than I even imagine was there with me in my darkness lighting the way for me, holding me, comforting me, taking me in his arms and calling me his child.

And he continues to call me his child, to provide and take my life well beyond places I never thought or imagined I could even go. The darkness was hiding me, covering me, entangling me, but he in all his grace and mercy continued to light my pathway, and I am coming out of the darkness into the light.

I am happy to say that things are on the upswing, and I am feeling positive about this. My meds are working the way they are supposed to be, and I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time.

For right now I would say that I am very hopeful. Taking things day by day, sometimes still moment to moment, but knowing that God is here walking alongside me; and if I ever get back to that place in my life where the pit of darkness was so deep, I know he will still be there walking before me, lighting the way as he has been and will continue to do through this life until that day when I am able to look upon his face in Heaven into the brightest light I will ever know.

I am looking forward to that day. How beautiful that will be.

The Big Picture

2010-03-16T01:01:00.004-05:00

It's been a long time since I updated you on what is going on at the Boden household.
In my last entry I talked about going to see the nurse at the Richmond Center here in Ames to get some medications to hopefully help me and my brain function more "normally."
I had gotten a phone call a week or so previously and a letter in the mail stating that "All of your charges will be taken care of and paid for, you have qualified for this assistance." An answer to prayer, something that I hoped for but never thought it would happen. To me in meant I was doing the right thing for me, something good to help me, and I was going to be able to get the help that I needed and not worry about paying for the services I would receive with what little money we have.

At that meeting I got weighed (whoopie!) and measured, had to fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms. This was like a check "yes" or "no" and listed symptoms for depression, anxiety, bipolar, manic, and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

I went into the nurses office, I was so nervous, I don't know why, everyone there was so nice, what did I expect? But I was scared. She went over the list of symptoms with me and asked me some questions about "Why are you here today? and How can we help you?" So I explained what was going on, what had been going on, and I broke down and started crying. Embarrassed, yes slightly, but also relieved at the same time. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar-depression with anxiety.

Excuse me, what did you just say? Depression and anxiety I knew, I could handle those, I was ready to face them head on, but I was totally slapped in the face by the bipolar diagnoses. I was in shock.

I was given a list of meds to try and come back in a month, and oh yeah I needed to set up an appointment to see a therapist. Wow. Um, okay. But I was going with the flow because I knew I needed to, this was the only way I was going to keep from completely falling off the deep end.

I got in my car and drove home trying to process what just happened. Did she really say Bipolar?? I was so confused and my heart was aching. I got home and Jake was sitting on the couch. "So, how'd it go?" he asked "What did they say?" And I told him, and starting crying again. He just came over and hugged me and said "It'll be alright, we'll work through this."

Fast forward the beginning of March. I went back for my monthly med-check and got weighed. Again. We talked, I was prescribed more meds because I still wasn't sleeping normally, and I made an appointment to get seen by a therapist there. Her name is June.

I met with June and we talked about a lot of things. Most notably how would I know when I was ready to be "DONE" with therapy. I threw some things out there, and the words "normal, whatever that means" came out. She asked me to explain.

What is normal really? Well for me it's living a happier more fulfilled life, being able to function on a daily basis to do everyday mundane tasks that some people may take for granted, but that I have to make myself do. I must force myself to do these things or they just don't get done. It's like there's a switch in my head that makes me want to NOT do these things like dishes and laundry and taking a shower more than once a week, I can always find an excuse, always think of something else to be doing that is "more important" then my own hygiene. June asked "So, what's more important than taking a shower?" I laughed and said "well, when you put it that way it just sounds silly!" I want to be able to enjoy the everyday things in my life again. I don't feel "normal" without them.

Its hard to even write that, trust me, in no way am I proud of these things, but in order for me to be more "normal" I need to do these things and do them for the betterment of myself; not only mentally, but physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. All of these aspects of my life suffer if I allow myself to slack off because I just don't care, and trust me, I do mean all of them.

Because of this I now I have a visual reminder hanging on my bathroom mirror that says: "What is more important than taking a shower?" I can smile when I see it now, because it's a small reminder of everything else I want and need to do in and with my life.

I am setting goals. Small goals, attainable goals, things I can be proud of for myself to accomplish. I know I have to start somewhere. The meds are going good. I am feeling better but I still have my bad days. Today was one of those days, but now I am better able to tolerate things because I got pointed in the right direction. One step at a time.

In my daily devotional from Sunday it reads:

It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day" (NIV). One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You'll see God's purpose behind the path He specifically chose for you.

What do I do in the meantime? You do what Proverbs 3 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." What does He mean "don't lean on your own understanding"? You don't need to try to figure it out. In truth, you're not going to understand most of the things that happen in your life until you get to heaven.

Be patient. God knows what He's doing. God knows what's best for you. He can see the end result. You can't. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays -- all the things that make you ask "why" -- one day it will all be clear in the light of God's love.

But for now, we're learning to trust God.

Getting through

2010-01-27T15:20:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to update on somethings that have going on around the Boden household this past month.

Jake started classes again at ISU the middle of the month and has been staying busy with that. They have had some "competitions" in some of the engineering classes he is in and his group has won both times and gotten some small "prizes" but still the satisfaction is great! He is enjoying school and even though it is not easy he is doing it and we are getting there. Slowly, but surely.

He has also been busy at work with all of the snow we're having. He works for a small trucking company that in the winter time moves A LOT of snow, especially is the case with this winter! It's nice because he makes a little more money doing that, but the hours are NOT so nice as often it is the middle of the night. While the hours were not such a big deal over Christmas break, right now it makes it harder, especially with school, so he has to make it work the best he can and so far it is going okay.

Please pray for this situation. His job is a blessing, especially with me not currently working but this also puts more stress on him, as a husband, as a provider. Please pray for strength.

I started working out and eating "healthy" in the hopes of dropping some weight and getting healthier, also Jake's brother is getting married in the Fall, so I want to look good in pictures, so that is definitely helping with the goal of losing weight. So far I have lost 4 pounds, so that is great in my book! I am moving in the right direction when it comes to my health, and I am feeling better about myself because of it.
I recently went to the Richmond Center here in town, a Mental Health and Addiction clinic. I wrote in my previous blog that I was waiting on hearing back to see if I could get funded, because obviously without insurance I couldn't pay for it myself. Well I got the phone call that said I got approved, 100% so I don't have to pay anything out of pocket! That is a real answer to prayer and just proves that I am taking a step in the right direction to where I need to be, I feel I was brought to this Center for a reason. We give thanks to God for this!

So I got approved and had to set up an appointment. I called in today and the lady that is helping me with all of my paperwork and such told me that they had a cancellation for this Friday, so could I come in then? I said that I could and I am meeting with one of their R.N.'s so that I can talk about getting my meds regulated. This is the first HUGE step in getting to have a more "normal" life for me. I know the depression will always be in my life, but now I feel like I am taking some control, and there is a way out.

So one step at a time. One moment, one day, one week at a time. That is how it is going right now, and I know it will continue to go. I can get through this!

I will let you know how it goes!

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. We ask for continued prayers. Prayers for understanding for those people who are still in denial about all of this that is going on, prayer for patience, for Jake, for me, this has been really trying on marriage. Prayer for physician knowledge and that they are able to help me to the best of their ability, prayer for strength to get through this. We also ask that if you are being led to pray in another direction please do so. We can feel and see the true power of prayer everyday in our lives. We know people are continuing to lift us up and we thank God for that everyday!

God Bless!

Nikki and Jake

Looking Back to Look Forward

2010-01-07T15:52:00.001-06:00

Haven't written in a while, you probably know why I wasn't here. I was away dealing with life and everything that has been thrown into my life. I was trying to take care of myself a little better, and by taking care of myself I don't mean working out; I mean I was busy trying to remember how to LIVE again, how to act and feel and be some semblance of a "normal" person again, no matter how feeble that attempt might be because I have never been and will never consider myself to be what the world considers "normal." I was busy trying to find that human being who I know so desperately wants to be and do so many thing, that person who had and has so many dreams for her life, where'd she go?! I have been searching high and low and yet still to no avail. She seems to have been lost in the shuffle, in the ups and downs of a life she didn't ask for and certainly never planned on, in a life that is hard for even the people that love me to completely understand. Lost in a life she would never wish on anybody, because it simply too painful, and too lonely, with too many inner demons and struggles; and nobody should have to go through any of that.

Not even me.

This depression, this anxiety, has wrapped itself around my life, embedded itself into my head and my body, and continues to wreck havoc, and cause stress and crying and self loathing. I am forever fighting with myself, in a disease I never wanted, I never asked for, and that I pray to be rescued from every day. But I have come to the realization that is not going to happen. Oh, don't get me wrong, I DO believe in miracles, in the Grace of God, I know He can deliver me from this, I HAVE the Faith, it is my middle name after all. However, I also believe that I have been "given" this disease for a reason,that there is something that God wants me to do. I believe that reason is so that I can tell other people about what is going on with me, that I can spread the awareness and make it not be such a shameful thing, such a "wrong" thing, something that is so looked down upon. I can open up my life and my mind to what is going on so that others around me can learn and hopefully be helped by even one thing that I may have to say. I have accepted this now. And no, I didn't ask for it, but I now feel like it is one of my many callings in my life.

Last week I finally decided to take some initiative and go get some more help, so that I can be that person I want to be, so that I can help more people understand, so that I can love life again, because I know that is what I want more than anything, and more than that, I NEED it. So I headed off to a Mental Health Center here in town, I registered, filled out all the necessary paper work, and now wait to hear back about getting treatment. Treatment, that I have prayed about and know that I will be covered for 100%, because I cannot afford it out of my own pocket. What kind of treatment? Well, therapy, or counseling for one. I need to talk to someone that is not "on the inside" of all of this and doesn't live it with me daily. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but he NEEDS a break from all of this too. The other thing is that I NEED to get my medications regulated. Regulated to the point where I can live my definition of a normal life. So that I can get out of bed in the morning, take a shower once in awhile, and have the energy and the motivation to work out and change my life and body. These meds are something that I know for me, despite all the exercise and endorphins coursing through my body, that I will have to take for the rest of my life in order to be human again. I have come to this realization, and I am not ashamed to admit it; because if that is what I need for myself, to take care of myself, THAT is what I am going to do. Take care of myself. This regulating of meds however, may involve me being checked into a hospital for a few days to make sure I can "tolerate" everything the way I am supposed to, and YES I am scared about that but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I feel like this is kind of the "rebirth" of me, like this is my time to do everything I wanted and needed and now, hopefully, I can get through. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I take my life by each moment sometimes, because it is all I can do to get through to the next day. Now I have a feeling, no, a knowledge, a confidence in the fact that I will be able to get through each day, to move forward, to look ahead to the new year, to this new life that I have wanted for myself for so long.

Music From a Friend

2009-12-11T17:46:00.002-06:00

Thanks so much for touching my heart again Miss S. You know who you are. Love you too.

Touching lives through Music

2009-12-04T10:39:00.002-06:00

Hopes and Dreams

2009-12-02T11:39:00.003-06:00

This week for me has been a realization of a lot of things in and around my life, and believe me when I say that not all of them were what I would call "good" in fact a lot of them have really opened my eyes in ways that I cannot even begin to describe, at least not adequately anyway.

This is the week that I spent money on things we didn't need, and I thought I was trying to help by getting some Christmas presents that we would have gotten eventually anyway, and besides that, everything was on sale! I thought it was justified, apparently it wasn't, and needless to say, Jake was not too pleased, which I understood, but didn't necessarily appreciate at the time.

I also have a goal of losing weight, and inspired by my little sister and my husband, I have the urge to go and run. Yes, you can check my temperature, I said run. Never in a million years would I have ever said that and be completely serious about it, or am I? Well this time, I mean it. Enough is enough, and if running will in some way help relieve my stresses and my inner demons, if it will give me some endorphins to help me make it through my day, then so be it. And I bought a great pair of running shoes (which came with a free pair of running leggings, and were $50 off the regular price, so the Dutch person in me dove at the chance to purchase), thinking that Jake would be happy that I finally decided to take some initiative and do something about all this pain and angst I have built up inside. He was not. I get it, I really do, but I had hoped that maybe this could be a Christmas present to me, and that would be that. Apparently I was sadly mistaken.

Friday this week, would be the day that I was supposed to go to the clinic and have a multitude of tests; poking, prodding, squeezing, what-have-you, for the surgery that I had scheduled for the 6th of January of 2010. Well the realization in all of this is that I don't have a job, I lost the one I loved because of my disease, because of my depression. Therefore I have no more insurance and when faced with the chance to continue my insurance through Cobra and pay for it every month until a month after surgery because I had been waiting 10 years for the opportunity to have said surgery, we decided that it couldn't happen, that it wouldn't happen.

I have to tell you my heart ripped when that conversation was had, that "yes you can do it, but no, we don't have the money to do it, so therefore you can't do it." I can honestly say that I have never felt the pain and reality of my "choices", the choices that came about because of my disease than at that very moment. All the choices that took away part of the hopes and dreams I'd had for myself, for my life for so long.

My life was going to be so much better, so much easier (as if), I was going to be so much happier, and my life was going to change because of this surgery. And now it's not. Now the hopes and dreams that I had for my life in those moments have all got to change, they need a new direction to go.

The question I keep asking is where? What? now how do I do this? You see, your hopes and dreams for your life don't change just because you no longer have a job, nobody will hire you because of what happened at your last job so they just give you some random answer about why you didn't get the job, you're depressed, and down-trodden, and forlorn and so lonely that you could scream, and all you want to do is lay in bed and cry, and try as you might you can never really explain it to people who just don't understand, who won't understand. I still have hopes and dreams, I just have to go about a new way of getting them.

My hopes for a healthier me, thus the running shoes, and therefore my dreams of having a family come from me being healthier, and I dream of having children because of this.

My hopes for normality in my life, thus, the spending money on Christmas gifts, because that is what I would do if I had a job, and that is normal, and I want normal, I crave it, to feel and be normal in my everyday life again. So, why not go on with life as I should and be a normal person and do some Christmas shopping.

That said, I also want a place to live, and food to eat, so when those packages arrive, I am afraid they might have to go back, or at least most of it anyway. Not because I don't want them, but because I don't need them, I can't need them right now, and sometimes it's just hard to admit that to myself, especially when I want so much right now, and feel like in some ways I have so little.

It's hard to explain why I do what I do sometimes, to justify my actions, because sometimes even I don't know why. I just thought it would make me happy somehow. Help fulfill even a PART of those hopes and dreams I have for myself, and Jake and our life together.

This week I realized, I can't do this on my own, I need help, I need my meds regulated, I need people in my life that help to hold me accountable for my actions, I need someone to talk to that is not "in" the situation, because trust me when I tell you that my husband can only take so much of me, despite the fact he loves me, I truly believe that he wants to fix me, and he can't. He doesn't get what is going on with me as much as he might try, and sometimes you have to admit when you need help. I need help. There it is, out for all to see.

In fact when I get done writing this I am going to get in contact with a Mental Health facility here in Ames, and see if I can't do something about all of this. It has taken a lot for me to admit this, because I have been "doing it on my own" and didn't want to admit that everything is worse than I thought, and getting worse everyday. It's like admitting defeat, but I will admit it, I feel defeated.

After all these are my hopes and dreams I am talking about here. And I don't want to lose those, for anything. I won't let anything take them away from me, not this disease, not the enemy, not ANYTHING! They are ours. Jake's and mine, and we deserve to have them and be happy and this is a start, a new beginning for our hopes and dreams that we have for ourselves, for one another, together. Always.

Jeremiah 29:11 TNIV (Today's New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We Will Tell the Story

2009-11-13T14:58:00.003-06:00

TWLOHA Day-Friday November 13th, 2009

Love is the Movement-TWLOHA

2009-11-12T15:19:00.010-06:00

Love is the movement.

"We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding"---Donald Miller

Tomorrow is TWLOHA day. TWLOHA stands for: To Write Love On Her Arms. This is a movement that has helped and saved so many people's lives. People who struggle with depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, addiction, cutting, etc. have been helped by this amazing, amazing movement. I don't really have the words to explain how much something like this could help someone like me, and I support this movement wholeheartedly! I, along with so many others will help to share and spread the movement, the movement of love by physically writing the word "LOVE" on my arms tomorrow, November 13th. (I hope to also take and post a photo of this as well).

For those of you interested in learning more about this, please check out the vision of TWLOHA. It will tell you how and why the movement began and give you the story of a girl who it all began with.

Below is a video I found from one of the "gatherings" TWLOHA has had. It begins with the story of Renee, and follows with a dance to the music A Time for Yohe, by Between the Trees.

Honor your American Soldier

2009-11-11T14:13:00.003-06:00

Today is November 11th, the day when we honor all those who have served and fought for our freedom and all those who are still fighting. There really are no words to say except Thank you, and that doesn't even seem like enough. This is to honor all the people in my life that I know of personally that have fought or served in some way for our great country weather in war or in peace time:

My Grandpa, Clarence Vander Stoep
Jakes Grandpa, Andrew Murman
My Uncle, Conrad Vande Zandschulp
My Uncle, Jon Heie
My Brother-in-Law, Ryan Pendergrass
My Cousin, Jered Height
My Cousin, Cara Vande Zandschulp
My Friend, Sam Boland
My Friend, Jesse Boland
My Friend, Corey Ervin
My Friend, Cory Van Sloten
My Friend, Kyle Statema

This is for all of them, and all the other American Soldiers out there.

A Mothers Prayer

2009-10-31T10:41:00.005-05:00

God, why?
Don’t worry about why
God, she needs a job
There will be one
God she needs a job now
In my time
God you have to be with her
I always am
God you have to protect their marriage, this is going to be tough on them
I will
God you have to keep her from doing anything stupid
I have it covered
God I just don’t understand
I know
God please heal her
I’m there for her
That’s not I’ll heal her
I know
OK God, I can’t do anything to make this OK
You don’t have to
Well, you’ll have to Help me trust you in this
I will
I love you
I love you too

Giving up control in this was another hard thing that God asked me to do and I knew I had to. The verse for the weekend came back to me ‘Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” I started praying that for Nikki and for me.

This is the prayer that my wonderful, amazing and God-fearing mother said for me when she found out I lost my job because of my sickness. And I know it must have been hard for her to pray some of these things, just because mostly like she said to me, she just doesn't understand what I am going through.

Later after she had prayed this prayer for me she began working on a talk she had to give at an adult retreat called Cursillo. She was searching a friends blog, and somehow came across mine, something she would later tell me was a "total God thing." She found this blog I had written.

This is what she wrote about that:

As I read through this blog on that morning I realized that Nikki had been writing this at almost exactly the same time I was sharing my heart with God about this exact situation. I couldn’t help but think about how faithful He is and how this fits exactly what perseverance is about.
Life isn’t easy…we go through storms……we get afraid and fall when we look only at the storm…an overcoming faith looks to Jesus. An overcoming faith rests in him.
All of the worries I had been carrying around on behalf of my daughter hadn’t helped her. They had caused me to focus on the storm and not the One who calms the storm. Here, in the middle of a life-challenging situation in the middle of a life-storm my daughter sought rest in the arms of Christ and was given the strength to persevere. In sharing that, she also spoke TRUTH into my life, reminding me once again, that perseverance isn’t something that we do on our own, it’s what He does in and through us.
God also reminded me through Nikki, that this journey isn’t one that we need to walk alone. She cried out to God, but she also cried out to her pastor, her family and her friends.

I love my mom. So much. I don't think I tell her that enough.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send my Savior right over....

2009-10-30T10:47:00.003-05:00

As you know a month ago I lost my job, that I loved due to this illness that I suffer with every day of my life, the big D. Depression. This past month has been a huge series of ups and downs, although I am sad to say that it has been mostly downs. I can say too, that this month has brought me back to my childhood. Not necessarily in a good way, just in a way that has made me realize how bad everything is right now and I think, no, I am sure I have hit rock bottom.

Lets compare shall we, all the ways the my life has become(sort of) like my childhood.

1. Doing everything I can and making every excuse in the book to not take a shower or a bath. Seriously, it really is that bad, I have gone 1 whole week plus a couple days without taking a shower and all because I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't going anywhere anyway, nobody was going to see me, and therefore I didn't "feel the need" to waste water on myself. I feel sorry for Jake mostly, because he had to deal with me every week, and he's been really good about it so far, but I think there might come a time when he might lock me in the bathroom, until I become so bored the only thing left to do after organizing the medicine cabinet is to take a shower. It's gross I realize this, but I just don't feel like it.

2. Staying up late until all hours of the night, having a slumber party, only this one is all by myself. Seriously, I haven't been sleeping normally. Last week I went almost 24 hours without any sleep. The reason? I don't want to go to bed knowing that I have nothing to get up for in the morning, and I don't have anywhere to go, so why bother!? Sad, I know.

3. Sleeping in. I remember how I cherished sleeping in on Saturday mornings during my junior high through college years. Seriously, if you ask my husband even now he would say there is no chance of waking me, I sleep like "the dead" and I often wake up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in, which is on my left side, snuggling with my body pillow. But seriously, along with the staying up until 5 in the morning everyday has come sleeping all day. Sometimes until 4 in the afternoon, just because then I won't have to think about not having to be anywhere or go anywhere, and then I have every excuse for why I didn't get the "chores" done.

4. Speaking of Chores. I would do everything, anything to get out of doing these as a child, and to tell you the truth I still do, to a point. My problem is that I like to put off doing things like washing the dishes or doing laundry until I have no dishes left, and the only thing I have left to wear is the "I love Shih'Tzus'" T-shirt and a pair of leggings, that I haven't worn in over 5 years. No. Lie. But really, now, it is out of control. I did dishes (by hand, because that's what you do when you have no dishwasher), for 2 hours the other day, and all because I don't "feel" like doing them, despite the fact that I am home all day. The laundry, nope not a chance that those clothes are getting washed, because the basement, it's just creep-tastic, and heaven forbid that I actually get out of my PJ's and get dressed like a normal person, and GO.OUT.SIDE. Gasp! People might see me, and the sun (when it's been out lately) is really bright! Who knew right?! These are all the excuses I make and have been making lately as to not do any of these household chores.

This has been my life the last month. I know it's sad. But it's reality for me. These are the things that I deal with, that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard to explain exactly why I do all these things, even I can't explain it, it defies a logic that even I cannot begin to understand. But, as sad as this life situation might be right now I know that my God, my Savior is holding me in the palm of his hand.

There are people everywhere praying for me and Jake, and things are getting better. Slowly. With time. I could say I expect a miracle, that I will be healed and this will all go away and I won't be "sick" or "crazy" anymore and I won't cry for no reason; and although I do believe in miracles I know that this is something I will inevitably deal with for the rest of my life.

I also know that even though I will have this "disease" for the rest of my life, that there are ways to control it, with medicine and doctors and therapy, and I am looking into all those things and combinations of those things to help me live a more normal and productive life.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have this disease and I am not ashamed to say that despite this disease I am a child of God, he loves me in spite of this and helps to carry me through all this. When he calls out "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nikki right over!" Instead of letting me run through his arms He catches me and I run INTO his arms and he holds me there and lets me know how much he loves me, and how he will never let me go.

It's been awhile hasn't it?

2009-09-29T13:52:00.003-05:00

These past few months have been a lot of ups and downs in life for both me and Jake. Jake started at ISU in Ag Engineering, a HUGE answer to so many prayers, so much time was spent with friends and family and working and just enjoying our second Summer here together in Ames. We even started attending a church here in Ames, called Bridgeway, and we know God has great things in store for this church and it's people!

My job was going really well, but I was and am still struggling with depression and it was starting to cause me to miss work. Yesterday I lost my job as a result of it, and now times are more stressful than ever. Today I received an email from my pastor, Pastor Bob as we call him, I had sent him and email yesterday about everything that was going on, and I'd like to share some of his response with you:

"As you go through this time, remember to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. We cannot muster up faith, but instead it comes as we lean on the One who is completely faithful to meet us in whatever we are facing. The great love, mercy and power of God in Christ Jesus is what grows our faith. Keep looking to him and claim is promises for you today that he will not leave or forsake you."

Just yesterday in church we had sermon about fear, and why we are afraid. Here are some of the notes that I took during that sermon:

There are 3 truths:

1. The storms in life we experience are real.

James 1:2-3 (TNIV) Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Romans 8:35-37 (TNIV) Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

2.Fear comes when we look only at the storm

*Fear is the opposite of Faith*

3.An Overcoming Faith looks to Jesus

*God does not always deliver us from the storm, but he WILL walk with us through all the storms in our life*

John 16:33(TNIV) "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Psalm 46:1-3 (TNIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, thought the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though the waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 107:28-32 (TNIV) Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them five thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for humankind. Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

Woah. All I know is all that hit me on Sunday, and if it didn't resonate then, it sure did yesterday when part of my life crumbled around me. This is truly God using his word to touch and help shape our lives. These passages are all such a blessing to me and I know I will read them and study them more in the days and weeks to come. I know God will bring me through this, I "fell on my knees" today and cried out to God to show me his promise for my life, and to heal my sickness, and lead me wherever he wants and needs me to be. For him to show me the way because I cannot do this alone, for him to help me in my times of unbelief.....it was the most cleansing thing. After I finished there was this peace around me. I felt him there, once again in my little bedroom on Douglas Avenue. He's been there all along, I am the one who got lost.

Pastor Bob also emailed me the lyrics to a song. Another God thing. This song had been on my heart the previous week and has helped me immensely! Praise God!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

-Matt Redman

Even when I feel abandoned, I can.

2009-08-01T09:38:00.001-05:00

This was my morning devotional the day after I wrote the last entry in this blog. Thanks be to God, Praise God! For even in my storm I can raise my hands and worship him!

“Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made him share our sin in order that in union with him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust Him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way.

Remember what God has already done for you. If God never did anything else for you, He would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God’s Son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship.

Unfortunately, we forget the cruel details of the agonizing sacrifice God made on our behalf. Familiarity breeds complacency. Even before His crucifixion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with thorns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heartless men, He was treated worse than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While His lifeblood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of His pain and challenging His claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind’s sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Jesus could have saved himself—but then He could not have saved you.

Words cannot describe the darkness of that moment. Why did God allow and endure such ghastly, evil mistreatment? Why? So you could be spared from eternity in hell, and so you could share in His glory forever! The Bible says, “Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made Him share our sin in order that in union with Him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

Jesus gave up everything so you could have everything. He died so you could live forever. That alone is worthy of your continual thanks and praise. Never again should you wonder what you have to be thankful for.

Need Your Prayers, Covet them

2009-07-28T08:55:00.002-05:00

I have started to go "downhill" again. The depression is getting worse, and I feel the enemy is conspiring against me to bring me down and keep me there.
I know that something needs to change, to happen, but I am not sure what, I am kind of at a standstill. I have noticed it a while ago, but put it in the back of my mind, or out of my mind, hoping it would just go away! I mean I was feeling great, happy, full of life, why now, at one of the highest points in my life would this be happening, again.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand as much as I want things to be normal again for me, I know they never really will be. Normal for me is what I make it on a day to day basis, there are a lot of times that I must choose to be happy for that day, for that moment, because otherwise I fear it would never happen! My meds seem to be working okay, but then I think maybe I need a higher dosage, which I really don't want because then it's like I am getting worse, and I am really longing to be better, to be a more normal wife, daughter, sister, and friend to everyone around me. This is NOT fair for them, they deserve to have a happy, normal, easygoing me instead of the sad, hollow shell of me that has been walking around this planet lately.

What I do know, is that all I can do for this moment is to ask God to continue to hold me, hold my heart, and keep me close to Him, because I need that more than ever right now. He is my light in the darkness, I have witnessed this for myself, and has carried me through so many hard times (and good) in my life, even when I did not know or realize that He was there because my heart was so closed off to Him, little did I know then that He was chasing me, running after me, continuing to love and protect me, even in that darkness. I know He is still here. But right now He feels so far away.

So all I ask is for prayers. For me, for Jake, for my family and friends that they will know how to help me, what to say, and just continue to pray for understanding for people who don't understand or think that it is all in my head. For me I know that this is a battle of the heart, the mind, and the spirit. It is one of the most emotionally empty times I have ever felt in my life. I do not want to fall back into the emptiness that has been around me, lurking and waiting for me to trip back into it.

I need your prayers and covet them now more than ever.

Never Leave or Forsake

2009-07-27T07:48:00.002-05:00

While reading my daily devotional, this is what I came across that really touched my heart. Especially in light of everything that I deal with on a daily basis and all the times I felt like God was so far away. It really made sense, and I never really thought of it this way before, but I understand so much better now why I went through the things I did and even in my darkest times He was still there, holding my heart.
“The Lord has hidden Himself from His people, but I trust Him and place my hope in Him” (Isaiah 8:17 TEV).

It is easy to worship God when things are going great in your life—when He has provided food, friends, family, health, and happy situations. But circumstances are not always pleasant. How do you worship God then? What do you do when God seems a million miles away?

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting Him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving Him when He seems distant.

Friendships are often tested by separation and silence; you are divided by physical distance or you are unable to talk. In your friendship with God, you won’t always feel close to Him.

Philip Yancey has wisely noted, “Any relationship involves times of closeness and times of distance, and in a relationship with God, no matter how intimate, the pendulum will swing from one side to the other” (Reaching for the Invisible God, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000; 242).

That’s when worship gets difficult.

To mature your friendship, God will test it with periods of seeming separation—times when it feels as if He has abandoned or forgotten you—when He feels a million miles away. St. John of the Cross referred to these days of spiritual dryness, doubt, and estrangement from God as “the dark night of the soul.” Henri Nouwen called them “the ministry of absence.” A. W. Tozer called them “the ministry of the night.” Others refer to “the winter of the heart.”

Besides Jesus, David probably had the closest friendship with God of anyone. God took pleasure in calling him “a man after My own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14; Acts 13:22).

Yet David frequently complained of God’s apparent absence:

• “Lord, why are You standing aloof and far away? Why do You hide when I need You the most?” (Psalm 10:1 LB).

• “Why have You forsaken me? Why do You remain so distant? Why do You ignore my cries for help?” (Psalm 22:1 NLT).

• “Why have You abandoned me?” (Psalm 43:2 TEV; see also Psalm 44:23 TEV; Psalm 88:14 MSG; Psalm 89:49 LB).

Of course, God hadn’t really left David, and He doesn’t leave you. He has promised repeatedly, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:8; Psalm 37:28; John 14:16–18; Hebrews 13:5).

Thought for my Day

2009-07-17T07:48:00.002-05:00

I'll fill you in on what I've been up to later, as promised weeks ago I think. I apologize for that. I will try and blog again this weekend. Thanks for reading!

Life Happens

2009-06-29T13:15:00.002-05:00

Yes, I am still here! No I have not forgotten about you reading these and updating on my life! I have much to share of what has been happening over the last few months in and around my life. Let's just say life happened, no excuses for not writing, but it just did, and continues to happen! I will fill you in on everything later on today. Thanks for being patient with me, and may God continue to bless all of you as you have blessed me in reading your blogs.

Renewal in the Rain....

2009-04-27T11:44:00.004-05:00

Wow, this month has flown by! I cannot believe that it is almost May and the last time I wrote on here seems like so long ago. I have been most blessed in my new job and love being there day after day. It is finally picking up with the warmer weather we've had lately, and it rained last week and everything, all the buds on the trees and shrubs, and flowers they just popped out and burst forth in a sea of color and glory. I love being able to witness that firsthand every day as there is always something new.

The past few days it has been raining off and on, and thunderstorms have been pretty constant as well. To me this is one of my most favorite things, to be able to smell the rain, and see the grass turn green again, and the buds opening on the plants, it is the smell of renewal, of rebirth, the Genesis of Spring if you will. I count myself blessed to be able to bear witness to such a marvelous thing, and it never gets old, every year I look forward to the "newness" of God's creation. It helps to remind me that everything is made new, and makes me think of my life being made new again in Christ.

The rain to me is a reminder of how all my sins have been washed away through Him and how He is constantly working in my life. My life now has been renewed through Him, the one who saved me and constantly reminds me, even in the little things like the rain that He is near, and He is in control. HE is the one who was with me in the biggest storms in my life and He will always be, and I will always be grateful for such love and grace in my life.

I WILL Praise You in This Storm.

Up to my elbows in soil

2009-04-06T15:32:00.002-05:00

Hey all, yes I am still here! I have not forgotten about my readers :-) I have recently started a new chapter in my life, one that Jake and I have been hoping and praying for.

After losing my job in February I was on the hunt for another one, one where I could use the gifts and talents that my God has given me. One that I got that degree in Horticulture and Landscape Design for. Something that I could feel like I was accomplishing more and more every day and proving to myself that I could do it, despite that "other" voice telling me I couldn't and I was hopeless and worthless and I didn't deserve any of it. I really don't like that voice.

So at the beginning of April I interviewed for a job at a place called Country Landscapes, Inc. for a position in the nursery where I would be doing daily tasks of taking care of the nursery and watering plants, helping customers, etc. This would have been a great job, but it did not have benefits and being as we currently had no health insurance, we talked it over and decided that I would take the job if it was offered to me and that we would look for health insurance ourselves. Not ideal, but it was a job I wanted, a job that I really hate to admit, NEEDED after all the things I'd struggled with in the past few months.

A couple weeks later I got an email from one of the Nursery Personnel at Country Landscapes telling me that they would love to hire me, but since I was considered to be "too qualified" for the nursery position I had originally interviewed for, they wanted to interview me for a new position, that would include year round work, as well as Benefits, which included Health Insurance; which we desperately needed, especially because of all the prescriptions I am currently taking for various issues. Yes Please! I almost had to hide my excitement when I called them back to let them know that yes I was indeed interested. They asked me if I could start on March 9th, regardless of which position I had, and I said yes I would.

My first day of work I loved every moment, and treasured the hard work despite the cold weather and was so excited to be doing something I had longed to do for a long time, but held myself back because I didn't think I was good enough, or that I deserved it. On my way to lunch, I got the good news, I had gotten "THE Job" the one with the benefits that we totally needed. This huge weight instantly fell from my shoulders and I felt alive and new and all my worries that I had been holding onto disappeared. I know who took them away, it was God, after all it had been Satan who had been weighing me down with all those worries and fears, and now they were all gone. It made me happy and sad at the same time, Happy because our prayers had been answered, and doubts and worries vanished, but Sad because I should never have had all those doubts and worries in the first place, especially after my first real encounter with God. He is always there, by my side, through it all.

Now being outside, in the Creation of God everyday, and being able to work among just a handful of the beauty He's created gives me renewed hope and joy every day and I have faith that I will continue to do this for a very long time. After all, these are the gifts that God has given me and I now know why he led me here on this seemingly long journey to Ames, Iowa. He led me straight to a place that needed me, and exactly where I needed to be at this time in my life. Even after all my fighting and sadness to want to leave this place, He gave me the patience and guidance I so desperately longed for and showed me the way once again.

God is Good.

Happy Birthday Little Princess

2009-03-06T10:46:00.001-06:00

Today it has been a year since my niece Victoria Lynn was born, and it seems like just yesterday, even her mom says so, and can't believe her baby is already a year old today. This weekend we are driving back to Northwest Iowa to help celebrate her birthday, and we are so very excited to be there for this momentous occasion! Living here we missed a lot of firsts with her, and getting to see her grow through this first year of her little life. It seems like every time we go back everything has changed, and now I hear she's even walking? or close to it. Just the last time we were there she was learning to crawl. It's such a miracle, these little ones that God brings into our lives and they bring us such joy. I am privileged to be her aunt (and Daemon and Elissa's too of course :-) and look forward to many more years of watching her learn and grow into the person God has already made her to be :-) Love you Tori Belle! Kisses from Auntie Nikki and Uncle Jake.
Candice and Ryan this next part is for you. This is the song that was played at Victoria's baptism.

Dance Party in my Kitchen

2009-03-05T10:18:00.002-06:00

As some of you may know, I love to have random dance parties in my apartment when I am cleaning and I have the radio on and I think no one is watching. So the other day I was cleaning and a song came on the radio that I am sure I have heard before, but perhaps was unaware because of the darkness that surrounded my heart.
Anyway, this song made my drop what I was doing, and I was spinning and twirling around with my hands up in the air and swaying from side to side. It was as if there was a tugging on my heart strings and I just began to dance, and sing! I had no idea I even knew the words to the song, but somehow they all just came through my mouth. By the end of the song I was crying and laughing and smiling, sort of a strange combination if you think about it, but when you understand the meaning behind it, and why it was happening and Who caused my heart to feel like that, it's not really crazy or random at all! It was God, and the Holy Spirit moving me in worship and praise, what an amazing thought!
I know this song was meant for me to hear in this moment, it just made sense, seeing everything that I have been through in the last half a year with depression and sickness, that I would be able to worship and praise God through this song is to me a miracle in itself. Regardless of if it was an "everyday miracle" or not, it was still a miracle in my life, to my soul, in my heart. Praise God from whom all Blessings Flow! Our Hope Endures.

Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant

Playing Tag, Part 2

2009-02-23T13:37:00.002-06:00

In reading my last post I realized that for some reason I missed 2 of the 10 things I was supposed to type. I am not sure why, I either missed the number of things I was supposed to type, or misread it, who knows, but I am going to finish out that list!
So here goes. I can honestly say that:

9. When I have dreams while I am sleeping I have dreams in Black and White, and dreams in color. For some reason the ones that are in color ALWAYS become reality and I ALWAYS remember those ones. It's like one of those things where you feel like it's Deja' Vu, but there will be times when something happens and I honestly feel like I've been there before, in that moment, and I know it's because I've dreamt about it. I know it sounds weird, but it's happened that way my whole life, and I like to think of it as a gift.

10. I always, ALWAYS cry when I hear or sing the following songs:
"How Great Thou Art", "Amazing Grace", and many more, but especially those two. The reason being is that they remind me of my Grandpa Clarence who passed away 4 years ago. These 2 songs were some of his favorite and I have great memories of singing the first song at the Anniversary Party of my grandparents with my sisters, specifically because it was one of his favorite songs. I never get sick of singing these, and I never get sick of hearing these. Whether you enjoy the original versions of these hymns, or the newer versions, or you love both, they are hymns that continue to bring me closer to God. I have a better understanding of why my Grandpa loved these songs so much, and I appreciate and love him so much more for being able to share the gift of music with me and giving me those memories.

Playing Tag

2009-02-18T20:05:00.004-06:00

The Love Friendships Award states: "These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

As for the Honest Scrap award: A) First list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it honest (hence, the award 'Honest Scrap'), even if you have to dig deep! B) Pass the award on to 8 bloggers that you feel embody the role of the Honest Scrap. (This is an award only to display on your blog that everything you write on it is in truth, sincerity, and integrity.)*
A nice one, that Honest Scrap award. So I can honestly say that:

1. I have many vices, but perhaps the greatest of them all are Chocolate, Facebook, and Rachael Ray. I have an almost unhealthy obsession with all of three. I am working on the chocolate and the Facebook things, but Rachael Ray is an absolute must have, especially her magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray. Love it.

2. I am a passionate person. The things I am passionate about may vary from time to time, but there are certain things that remain true. My passion for photography is undeniable, I can never take enough pictures! Music is a true passion, I can say that I need it in my life, and don't know what I would do without the gift that music provides me on a daily basis! Plants and Flowers, love them, huge part of my life, make me feel alive just smelling them, and proof that God has a sense of humor is that I majored in Landscape Design and Horticulture despite my allergies of pollen, and the like. Gotta love that :-)

3. I am allergic to everything. No lie. I was tested for allergies last year at the clinic here in town and they test everything from pollen, grass, feathers, trees, dander, dust, etc. And after they had poked and prodded my back (if any of you have ever had this done, I can say, not pleasant to say the least). Pretty much my back swelled up, well, like someone who was allergic to everything. Basically my allergy doctor says, "no, it's not all in your head, you really do have allergies all year round, to one thing or another." So basically I have seasonal allergies. All year round.

4. I was recently diagnosed with Depression and Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease after many months of testing and doctor's visits and not feeling well. The depression was not a new thing to me as I have struggled with that most of my life, but it has never been as severe as it is now. The Liver Disease literally scared me back into reality, and made me realize that I have to take better care of myself now, or I may not be around to enjoy the life God has given me. On that note, being sick these past 6 months has caused me to see things differently in my life and to know that God is with me, even in my darkest nights.

5. I recently had an encounter with God. This has changed me in ways I never knew possible. Like I said before I know now that He is always there, even in my darkest nights. My heart was just so closed before that I had no idea.

6. I used to be afraid to die. For the longest time since I can remember I was so afraid of leaving everything that I had here, or not being able to accomplish anything or be able to leave a legacy of anything. I just wanted to know that I had meant something to somebody, and that I had all the time I needed to get done what I wanted to get done. I know, selfish right? Little did I know that I had no need to be afraid of anything. Along with the encounter mentioned above, reading the book The Shack has changed my life, and I don't say that lightly. The book has given me a fresh and new perspective on God, forgiveness, heaven, and death. I know now that the faith I have gives me hope, and that hope will one day bring the joy in being able to walk with the my Lord forever in eternity! I cannot wait!

7. For the first time in a long time, I love my life again, although it makes me sad to even admit that I have not loved it in quite some time. In fact today I had that realization when some news that I had been waiting on came in the form of an email today, and that news is a new job! I cannot say what a HUGE blessing this is, and how this came along at the best and most perfect time, I know it is all in God's planning, and despite my impatience (I am still learning) and my worrying, God has provided in a big way once again. Proving to me, that yup, He is indeed the holder of my heart and the path-maker in my life!

8. I love singing at the top of my lungs. In my car I am the "crazy" one that is always rocking out to the radio, and I have gotten a few odd looks every now and then, but I love the way it makes you happy and can change your whole perspective on things! I often times listen to my Ipod while doing dishes and Jake comes home to find me blaring out lyrics to songs and having a personal dance-party in the kitchen, and he just has to shake his head and laugh and remind me that I am not the only one who lives in our house apartement, and then he goes on to tell me that's one of the reasons that he loves me so much. Yup people, the secret is out, the man loves and married me for my stellar singing skills and killer dance moves :-)

Now lets keep the ball rolling on to these fabulous blogs that give me all kinds of different inspiration and motivation!

Glory in the Highest
This is Reverb
Getting Down with Jesus
Triple the Love
Pastor Kuyp's Random Thoughts
Pioneer Woman
Dan McClanahan Photo
Vanessa Bartels Photography

And of Course Popcorn the 5th Foodgroup/A Life that Is Changed, but she nominated me, so I was just trying to roll the ball over to some newbs :-)

Enjoy! Can't wait to see who some of your favorite blogs are :-)

Faith, Hope and Love

2009-02-12T15:10:00.005-06:00

Found this video today as I was searching and praying for some things this afternoon, and it really touched my heart. It follows Laura Story and her husband and her song "Mighty to save" is playing in the background. So fitting this story of love this week and a great reminder to me of my wedding vows that I spoke to my husband only a little over a year ago.
So many great reasons to celebrate our 2nd Valentine's Day as husband and wife, but most important to me I think is because those vows really have meant something to the both of us this year. My illness has really taken a toll on the both of us, but we've been together through it all, and Jake has supported me like he promised he would in those vows when he said "In sickness and in health" and in that he has shown me some of the greatest love a wife could know. He has never left my side, and has held me in the darkest night, and I could not ask for more than the great support he has been through it all. Love you Blue eyes, forever and always! Happy Valentine's Day, and no worries, I'll still be baking you those cookies you love so much :-)

An Uncertain Future

2009-02-10T15:51:00.003-06:00

Came across this email today in my inbox, and it really made me think. As many of you know I have been struggling with depression and sickness, and a ton of doctors' visits in the last 5 months, and that made me feel my life was uncertain, and now just having lost my job, my future is even more uncertain. I also know a lot of people who are struggling with their lives having uncertainties in many ways, and so I thought the least I could do, even if I can't find the words myself, is to share this devotional with all of them, and you too, whatever it is that you are going through in your life right now. I pray this will give you some hope, and a measure of peace in and through everything. I know many of us have heard this verse before, probably even numerous times, and so much, that often times, we may just skim over it, or have it memorized but not really focus on what it all means to us in our lives. I hope this has some meaning for you.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans … to give you a future and a hope … You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.” Jeremiah 29:11, 13 (LB)

*** *** *** ***

No matter what the pollsters, pundits, and prognosticators claim, no one can accurately predict all that is going to happen in the next year, let alone the next few days or weeks. Our best forecasts are just educated guesses.

Change is not only increasing in speed and intensity, but also in unpredictability. How can anyone succeed when the future is so uncertain?

The Bible suggests three timeless principles for facing an uncertain future:

1. Set goals according to God’s direction. It’s foolish to make plans without first consulting God. He’s the only one who does know the future – and he’s eager to guide you through it.

The Bible says, “We may make our plans, but God has the last word” (Proverbs 16:1 GNT). In other words, planning without praying is presumption. Start by praying, “God, what do you want me to do in 2009?”

2. Live one day at a time. While you can plan for tomorrow, you can’t live it until it arrives. Most people spend so much time regretting the past and worrying about the future, they have no time to enjoy today!

John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” Decide to make the most of each moment this year. Jesus said, “Don’t be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time” (Matthew 6:34 LB).

3. Don’t procrastinate. Do it now! “Don’t boast about what you’re going to do tomorrow, for you don’t know what a day may bring forth” (Proverbs 27:1).

Procrastinating is a subtle trap. It wastes today by postponing things until tomorrow. You promise yourself that you’ll do it “one of these days.” But “one of these days” is usually “none of these days.”

What did you plan to get done last year that you didn’t do? When do you intend to start working on it?

Spelling Love T-I-M-E

2009-02-09T16:45:00.002-06:00

In honor of celebrating love this week for Valentine's Day, a little video I found by men, for men. But I must say, it made me laugh out loud, still the message rings true :-)

Regrets...

2009-01-31T23:12:00.002-06:00

Saw this video on my friend Sarah M's Blog and had to share it with those of you who read here.
This video really makes you think. It touched me today, hope it does the same for you.

It is Well with my Soul...

2009-01-29T17:40:00.003-06:00

Now this story I am about to tell you may take some of you by surprise, but I hope it touches your heart the way it touched mine. I am going to be brutally honest with you as I have had to be with myself these last few months.

As some of you may know I have been dealing with a lot of hurt and a great "depression" in my life and in my heart. To explain it best would be to say my heart is in a lot of pain a "Winter" season if you will. I haven't felt normal or much like myself in a long time, and I have really been struggling with it a lot as of late I just felt like something was and is trying to keep me down. So much so, that it has encroached on my work life as well as my life here at home with Jake. Sometimes I just break down into sobbing and Jake just holds me as I tell him I just want to feel normal again, and I just want the pain in my heart to go away.

After one of these long nights of this happening, Jake got up as he usually does around 6 am to shower and get ready for work. When he does this, he usually leaves the light in the hallway on right outside of our bedroom; where our door always gets left open a crack to circulate the air flow better in our apartment, and he did this day as well. He gets done getting ready for work and comes in the bedroom to get his shirt and socks, his cell phone and his wallet, and gives me a kiss goodbye and an "I love you" and heads out to the kitchen to make himself some food for the day. About 10 minutes later he is gone, and shuts off all the lights in the hallway, and living room before he leaves. He did all that in this exact order that day. I heard the door downstairs close and he started up his truck to drive the 15 minutes to work, it is about 6:40 am at this point.

I fall asleep again as I usually do, but for some reason something wakes me up today, my alarm did not go off and I look over to see what time it was and it was 7:07. At this point something catches my attention by our bedroom door. I look over and coming through the crack of the door was a bright white shining light, it just radiated. I thought this was weird since Jake always turns the light off in the hallway, and I had heard him do this very thing today just like every other day. I pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming, I am not. I get up to go to the door to see what's on the other side of it (at this point as I will tell Jake later, I think I am dying because of the bright white light I am following). Just as I touch the handle on the door and open it, the light disappears and I am shaking, not really knowing or understanding what I just saw in my little apartment on Douglas Avenue. I couldn't go back to sleep.

The rest of the day I am scared not really sure of what I saw, and not knowing what to think. I don't tell Jake what happened, I just ask him to leave the light in the hallway on when he leaves for work in the morning from now on, and he says "okay." Later he asks me why and when I tell him what happened, I think he's gonna tell me I'm crazy, that it's all in my head, but instead he says "wow, that's kind of cool!" Thanks Jake :-)

Last weekend we went home for a friends wedding, and Friday night when we arrived at my parents I proceed to tell my mom and dad this story of the light. My mom, without missing a beat says "It was just God, letting you know He is still there, you have nothing to be afraid of." My first thought was "why didn't I see or recognize that's what it was?" It's because my heart is in a dark place, I cannot see what's right in front of me! That night as I went to bed and read "The Shack" I felt this peace come over me like I haven't felt in a long time, knowing that indeed that's what was behind my door, letting me know that no matter what I am going through, He is always there, even in my darkest night.

Praying for the New President

2009-01-22T17:05:00.002-06:00

Even though I know a lot of people were "put off" by Barack Obama choosing Pastor Rick Warren to do the invocation at his inauguration, I think it was one of the best parts of the whole televised event. So, no matter what your opinion is about it here is the prayer in case you missed it.

I also found some articles about this very thing, some for and most obviously against as our media is obviously biased, but I will share both sides with you anyway.

I just find it hypocritical myself that people were so against Pastor Rick Warren giving the invocation at this historic event, but when Barack Obama included Biblical teachings in his speech, no one said a thing because he also included non-religious people in his speech, being more diverse is apparently the "in" thing to do.

Don't get me wrong, I think there is an obvious reason that Barack Obama was chosen in this place and time to be the President of the United States of America. I believe that God ordained this, that this all has a purpose even if we cannot see what that is, and that despite whether or not we agree with the views of Obama or even voted for him that we also should be in prayer for our new president, our government and the United States as this is the Will of God.

Psalm 32:8~The Lord says "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

And we have this promise from God:

Jeremiah 29:11~"I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Tell me, what is your opinion on this? What do you think?

I leave you with America's Song.

Best Invention Ever!

2009-01-18T17:16:00.002-06:00

No seriously, it is! What is it you ask? Why it's called a Whirley Pop and it allows you the fabulousness that is making popcorn on your stove. All I can say is Yum-O, welcome to my world you fabulous, yummy popcorn making machine! Trust me when I say if you love popcorn as much as I do, you NEED to have one of these. I've used mine every night since I got it for Christmas, yes you saw that right, every night! You could call me obsessed, but I know this machine has saved me from dreaded microwave popcorn forever! Wow, I sound like an infomercial for this thing, haha! Anyway, if you love popcorn like I do you must get your hands on this lovely gizmo. Trust me, your nighttime snacking will never be the same!

Another Castro? Um, Yeah!

2009-01-16T16:21:00.002-06:00

This one's for you, you know who you are! :-) Since you missed it the first time around. This is my gift to you!

It's gonna be worth it all

2009-01-16T15:31:00.003-06:00

The mark of true friendship is stated in Proverbs 17:17~ A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need. Some friendships are fleeting, and some are lasting. True friendships are glued together with bonds of loyalty and commitment. They remain intact, despite ever changing external circumstances that surround them.
I believe that I have found this once again in my life through a friend, we'll call her Sarah. She never ceases to amaze me with her love for God and for others, and is always there with a kind word, or music that inspires, and messages of hope in times of need. I know God has brought her into my life here in Ames for more reasons than I can even begin to know or explain. She is truly one of those people who makes me want to be more and do more in this life for God. She is passionate about so many things, but music is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of her and yet again, it has inspired me. I have been really struggling recently in many different areas of my life, and she sent me a message and suggested that I might like a certain song. So I thought, why not, she's got great taste in music, so I listened to it. The song? Worth it all By Rita Springer.
This song came into my life at the perfect time, just when I thought everything I was going through was never ending, and that I was all alone in this, truthfully I just wanted all the pain to go away, and have cried, well sobbed really more times than I care to admit this week. Like I told my husband, " I just want to feel normal again, I just want the pain to go away, is that too much to ask?" Well apparently it's not too much to ask, apparently everything I am struggling with and dealing with this week, there's a reason for it. All the pain, the suffering, the trials that I am enduring in my life will be worth it in the end. There is a reason for all of this, and despite my problems I can give it all up to God and still praise Him in all of this, and in the end when I go to meet My Maker, I can say to Him, it was worth it. All of it. Everything was worth it for this. Thank you for calling me yours and holding me through all those times.
Trust me when I say, nothing you are going through is never NOT worth the glory of the Lord that we will see in heaven!

2 Corinthians 12:10~ Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Timothy 2:10~ I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.

Romans 5:3-4~ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know they are good for us-they help us to learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character.

Here are the lyrics to Worth it All:

I don't understand Your ways
Oh but I will give You my song
Give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain
With it You are pulling me closer
And pulling me into Your ways

Now around every corner
And up every mountain
I'm not looking for crowns
Or the water from fountains
I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
That the sight of Your face
Is all that I need
I will say to You

It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it all
I believe this

You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it
You're gonna be worth it all
I believe this

By Your Side

2009-01-13T12:00:00.007-06:00

I am not sure exactly why, but whenever I get into my car and the radio is on I always hope to hear this song because I love it so much (love this group too!)! And I always hear it when I am driving somewhere, it never fails. I know it has to be a God thing, because it's not a coincidence that He knows how I am feeling and He's trying to let me know that He's there by my side no matter what I am going through or feeling in that moment. He is ALWAYS there and this song has helped me to understand that in so many ways! Such an amazing thing to know that even when I feel so far away from God, or feel that He is so far from me, there's this awesome reminder through the gift of song, that He never really is too far that we cannot reach Him and He cannot get to us! He runs to us! Hallelujah! His love never ceases to amaze or astound me. And I pray that this song may touch your heart like it has touched mine.

You can listen to it here, on the TenthAvenueNorth webpage. It's called By Your Side:

http://tenthavenuenorth.com/media/music

This is what the songwriters and musicians had to say about this song:

By Your Side
Mike Donehey, Jason Ingram, Phillip LaRue

“There are a couple of lines in ‘By Your Side’ that to me really encapsulate the whole song. One is in the second verse that says, ‘Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough? To where will you go child? To where will you run?’ And the last verse it says, ‘Look at these hands and my side, they swallowed the grave on that night, when I drank the world’s sin so that I could carry you in and give you life.’ ‘By Your Side’ is just a call to anyone who’s struggling or fighting against God thinking they have to work to earn it. It’s calling them to stop looking for what you can do for God and fix your gaze upon what God has done for you. Let that motivate you. We love because He first loved us.”

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

Also in a recent entry on their website Mike had a great message about titled "By Your Side" where he talks about Christmas. I read it, and just thought I'd share it with all of you as well. If you click on the link below it will take you to that message and I hope it touches your heart.

http://tenthavenuenorth.com/blog/2008/12/25/chapter-4-by-your-side/

I will sing to the LORD as long as I live. I will praise my God to my last breath! Psalm 104:33

With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever.
Psalm 86:12

The Cutest Things...

2009-01-08T17:15:00.007-06:00

My nephew Daemon and my niece Victoria, along with my dog caught on video just doing what they do! This is how they roll :

This is Victoria. She just loves her a good Oreo cookie. I mean who doesn't, am I right?! Look out Cookie Monster, she's giving you a run for your money! (Or cookies is probably more his kind of currency, eh?!). :-)

This is Daemon. He just loves him some Scooby Doo (amongst other things what he calls his version of the show "No Deal or No Deal" apparently there is "No Deal" in his world). I think his big sister Elissa showed him the ever changing world of Scooby Doo, Shaggy, Daphne, Fred,Velma and the Mystery Machine, and he hasn't been the same since :-)

Also another for your viewing pleasure, my dog, a Shih-tzu named Nevaeh, ( I refer to her as Vaeh, or Banana Rama, she usually responds to those 2 names). Here she is trying to be the BIG dog she knows she is way deep down :-)

New Year, New Life, New Love

2009-01-07T13:59:00.009-06:00

As I celebrated the arrival of 2009 I looked back on the year that was 2008. There have been many changes in my and Jake's life in the past year and I would just like to share some of those with you.

1. I continued my life here in Ames, IA, after having moved in October of 2007 (after having gotten married only 2 days before no-less!)! And got a job at McFarland Clinic here in town in February of 2008.

2. My niece Victoria Lynn Pendergrass was born on March 6, 2008, and is one of the most beautiful itty bitties you've ever seen. I am totally NOT biased by the way, just because I am her aunt :-) She really is THAT cute :-) Just to prove it here's a picture:

See she's cute, right :-) I think she kinda looks like me, but I am sure my sister Candice would beg to differ and say she looks like her because
it's her kid and all. Whatevs I guess. Same difference. Oh yeah! And Daemon celebrated his 3rd birthday this year too, and he's a pretty handsome little man if I do say so myself, and here's a pic of him too! Not like you need any proof, I mean hello, look at the family he comes from :-)

I also had the opportunity to take some adorable pictures of my niece Elissa in her flower girl dress when we were back home in NW Iowa for a weekend and here's a pic from that. I must say she is pretty adorable too :-)

3. I enjoyed spending time with my family when they came to Ames to celebrate the 4th of July with me, and we had a great meal, went to the parade, and visited the Reiman Gardens over on the campus of ISU; that are absolutely fabulous by the way; and of course, once again just because I have a degree in Horticulture and Landscape Design does NOT mean I am
biased :-) They really are beautiful! If you've never been you should come visit Ames and
check them out! Unfortunately I don't have any pics of my own from that weekend cause
my camera was acting up, but you can always go to http://www.reimangardens.iastate.edu/ and check out their website.

4. We had many random events over the summer. Jake and I went to a few races in the area, and now Jake is thinking of getting into racing B-mods. You'll have to ask him for all the details, but it sounds pretty exciting to me! We also went home in September over Labor Day weekend to the lakes at Okoboji and to visit the family. It's always nice to go home!

5. I got sick starting at the end of August, and beginning of September and waited 3 long months to even find out what was wrong with me. I have been tested for virtually everything, but it turns out I have been diagnosed with a malabsorption problem. I was also diagnosed with depression, and am still awaiting some test results on my liver, as it seems I have a genetic "deficiency" and there may be more wrong with my liver than first thought. So please still keep Jake and I in your prayers regarding my health in the new year!

6. We celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary on October 6th, 2008! It's amazing to know that we've gotten through that first year as a married couple, and how far we've come in that short time. We'll have been together as a couple for 10 years tomorrow, January 8, 2009, and I just think how amazing it is how much we've grown and changed and learned from each other in those years, and we cannot wait to see what God has in store for us in the next 10 years of our lives together!

7. We returned home to celebrate Christmas with our families and friends, and ended 2008 where we began, in NW Iowa!

8. I officially began Weight Watchers online to go with my Curves workouts, and am starting a brand new year, with a new love for myself that I haven't had in a really long time. I cannot tell you how good it feels to take care of me, and to know that I deserve it. I have needed this so much I cannot even tell you how "all about" this new me I am, and I cannot wait to begin my "New Life!"

We cannot wait to see what happens in our lives in 2009 and where God takes us this year. Until then I leave you with the lyrics to a song that has helped get me through many times in my life, and is just a great reminder that throughout the years, no matter what, God is always faithful to us. (The song to these lyrics can be found at the right side of the page on my player).

Faithful to Me (Jennifer Knapp)

All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
that have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand,
just to watch them all wash away

Through another day, another trial
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly,
for a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial,
Another chance to reconcile
To One who sees past all I've seen,
and reaching out my weary hand,
I pray that you'd understand,
You're the only one who's faithful to me.
You're the only one who's faithful to me.

The True Meaning of Christmas

2008-12-29T10:44:00.004-06:00

Christmas: Open Your Gift from God
by Rick Warren

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. Romans 5:1 (MSG)

*** *** *** ***

You’re not reading this by accident. No, God knew before you were born that you would be here in this moment. He planned to get your attention for just a few seconds so he could say this to you: “I’ve seen every hurt in your life, and I’ve never stopped loving you. You matter to me. I love you more than you will ever know. I made you to love you, and I’ve been waiting for you to love me back.”

God is saying, “I want the rest of your life to be the best of your life. I’m with you, and I’m for you. I want to save you from your past. I want to save you for the purpose I made you for. And I want to save you by my grace. If you’ll let me do that, I will give you peace with me, peace of me, and peace with other people. But you’ve got to open the door and receive the Christmas gift.”

If you gave me a Christmas gift and I never opened it, you would be disappointed. And it would be a worthless gift because I don’t receive the benefit of a gift I never opened.

Jesus Christ is God’s Christmas gift to you. Yet some of us have gone Christmas after Christmas and never opened the best gift of all – God’s gift of salvation. Why even celebrate Christmas if you’re not going to open the biggest gift? It doesn’t make sense to leave unwrapped the gift of your past forgiven, a purpose for living, and a home in heaven.

Jesus Christ says to you, “I can replace the frustration in your heart with peace. I can replace the guilt, resentment, shame, and grudges with forgiveness. I can replace the worry and anxiety with confidence and faith. I can replace depression or despair with hope. I can replace emptiness with meaning and purpose. I can replace confusion with clarity. But I’m not going to break down the door of your heart. You’ve got to invite me in.”

God says: “It makes no difference who you are or where you’re from, if you want me and you are ready to do as I say, the door is open.”

It doesn’t matter what your religious background is – Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim, Mormon, Buddhist, Baptist, Hindu, or no religion. This is not about religion. God didn’t send Jesus to give you religion. He sent him so you could have a personal relationship with God. It’s all about relationship.

Below is a prayer I prayed years ago when I stepped across the line and became a friend of God’s. It’s a pretty simple prayer. If these words express the desire in your heart, read them as if you are talking to God.

Prayer:

Dear God, I’m scared, but I want to get to know you. I don’t understand it all, but I thank you that you love me. I thank you that you’re with me even when I didn’t recognize it. I thank you that you are for me; that you didn’t send Jesus to condemn me but to save me.

I admit I never even realized I needed a Savior, but today I want to receive the Christmas gift of your Son. I ask you to save me from my past, my regrets, my mistakes, my sins, my habits, my hurts, and my hang-ups. Save me from myself.

I ask you to save me for your purpose. I want to know why you put me on this planet. And I want to fulfill what you made me to do. I want to learn to love you and trust you and have a relationship with you.

I need peace with you, God, and I need you to put your peace in my heart. I need you to take away the stress and fill me with your love. Help me be a peacemaker, to help others find peace with you and each other. In your name I pray, amen.

A great reminder of what Christmas is really all about.

Go Elf Yourself

2008-12-23T20:15:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas!
Send your own ElfYourself eCards

The Answer

2008-12-16T07:56:00.004-06:00

Again, just wanted to share another message from my daily devotional. It touched my heart today in a way that I was needing it to be touched! It never ceases to amaze me how God works like that. So here for your reading pleasure.

I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question? Romans 7:24 (MSG)

*** *** *** ***

Have you figured out yet that a lot of times you are your own worst enemy? It’s your own reactions, your own fears, your own inadequacies that cause you to act in foolish ways. I know that’s true for me.

I need to be saved from myself because there are things I don’t like about me – things I wish I had done differently, things I’d like to change. But I can’t change them, not on my own power. I need an outside power source.

You may be saying, “I can change.” I hate to say this, but you can’t. In January, you’re going to make a list of New Year’s resolutions. And, by the end of January, that list will be in the dumpster. Why? Because you can’t change on your own; you need God’s power. You need a Savior, someone who can make the changes you can’t make yourself.

Let me make an important point here: God never wastes energy. He doesn’t waste effort on things that are unnecessary. In other words, if you didn’t need a Savior, he wouldn’t have sent one. The very fact that God sent a Savior means you need one.

The truth is, if you are honest about it, sometimes you feel like your life is out of control. That’s a pretty common feeling. Welcome to the human race!

The apostle Paul felt that way 2,000 years ago. Paul says this in the Bible: “I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does” (Romans 7:24-25 MSG). That’s the answer!

Let me be honest with you. You may be looking for salvation in the wrong places, that’s why you’re frustrated. You’re looking for that one thing that’s going to give you fulfillment and meaning and peace in life.

Some of us think that if we could just get married, or if we could just get a certain job, or a promotion, or attain a certain level of wealth, or have a baby – or if our babies would grow up and graduate! – things would be great.

You’re looking in the wrong places.

A lot of people are looking for salvation in a self-help book. Or they’re looking for it in therapy or in a fad or diet. Or they’re looking for it in a vacation, “If I could just escape to Tahiti, everything would be great.” The problem is that if you go to Tahiti, you’re taking you with you!

The answer is not in a place. It’s not in a program or a pill. The answer is a person: Jesus Christ. You were made by God and for God, and until you understand that, life is never going to make sense.

And to end, a video and song from a group that has also helped me realize a lot about what I am going through right now.

Christmas Is a Time of Salvation

2008-12-12T09:25:00.003-06:00

Each day I get a daily devotional sent to my email that Pastor Rick Warren of the Purpose Driven Life has written, and given all that has been going on around me lately, not only in my life, but the lives of people I love, I thought this was an especially fitting "story" to share with you.

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger. Luke 2:11-12 (NIV)

*** *** *** ***

Today in the town of David (that’s Bethlehem) a Savior (there’s the salvation part) has been born to you (for you – a savior for YOU); he is Christ the Lord.

No doubt you’ve heard the phrase, “He was saved” or “She was saved,” but maybe you’ve wondered what that really means?

Let me give you a simple illustration. When my oldest child, Amy, was still young enough to be strapped into a car seat, she was with me as we were driving on a very, very hot day. She finally hung her head out the window, and being a three-and-a-half-year-old unable to get herself out of the car seat, she said, “Please, God! Get me out of this!”

Amy needed a savior! She couldn’t get out of her predicament by herself; she needed someone else to set her free. She needed someone to rescue her, to deliver her, to release her.

Maybe you’ve hit a point in your life when you felt the same way? Or, maybe you feel that way today? You simply want to hang your head out the window, and plead, “Oh, God. Get me out of this! Hello, God, I need your help here … please!”

What you’re hoping for is a savior. You’re hoping someone will somehow save you. The good news is that your hope is no longer an empty dream. God is actively engaged in a plan to save you. He is a God of hope, and it is a hope that will not disappoint.

God’s plan for your salvation is three-dimensional: You’re saved from something; you’re saved for something; and you’re saved by something.

Turn me towards the sun and water me periodically...

2008-12-05T15:43:00.001-06:00

That's the status on my facebook page today. I am done, or feeling like I am done anyway. Let me tell you why.

I got some answers from the doctors last week (FINALLY!) after 3 long months of being sick and not feeling like myself. Turns out I have an intestinal mal-absorbtion problem. In short that means all the nutrients in the food I eat don't get absorbed into my system but all the fat goes straight through to my stomach and intestines, and wall-ah, stomach problems. Lovely. So to counter-act all the this the doc prescribed some Colestid, which is supposed to help bind all the fats together and not make my stomach so gross anymore. Yay! Also I have to start taking a multi-vitamin; the children's chewables so that I can absorb it easier, as well as Vitamins A and D to help with any of the nutrients I may be lacking and also for fatigue. At this same appointment, as I suspected and pretty much already knew, I was diagnosed as having depression. To counter-act those symptoms I have been put on Prozac, with the option to switch to a different anti-depressant if this one gives me any bad side effects. So yay! I am able to help myself and it really is NOT all in my head! (only some of it :-) My mom said, she thinks it's great that we have those kinds of medicines, so that we are able to help ourselves, and that she thinks God obviously allowed people to make them for a reason, so we can feel better and better about ourselves, so there is no reason I should feel "ashamed" for getting help with the Prozac. Moms always put things into perspective don't they? :-)

I cannot tell you how long it seems that I have waited for all of this to come to fruition, many people have been thinking of and praying for me (and Jake) in all this, and there are no words that I can use to thank all of you enough! However, we still need those prayers, and covet them more than you all know or probably even realize! I have still been having some symptoms despite the medication, and I have been feeling really sick these last few days.

Today I had another doctors appointment and he wants me to have a CT scan on my abdomen, to rule out anything really bad; ie: lesions, cancer, etc. that could be effecting my liver and pancreatic enzyme levels. He doesn't think that that's what it is, but wants to rule it out because my blood tests have been showing really high levels in many areas, but especially those. That appointment is next week Thursday 12/11/08 at 8:30am and I have to drink this fun "contrast" stuff beforehand, so prayers for my nerves and also for me to be able to keep that stuff down, cause I hear it's not the most pleasant thing I could ever drink :-) After the CT I will follow up with the specialist in GI (Gastrointerology) again, and go from there.

So you can imagine, after all that why I am done. I feel really alone in all this sometimes, and I have to check myself back into reality and remind myself that I am not alone, and it could always be worse than what it is. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, and I should not be, because I have been so blessed in my life. Sometimes it's still hard though, and I know that it's not just me going through these hard times, it is God, me, Jake, my family and friends, they're all in this with me too! It's amazing to think and to know that I have that much support no matter where I am and what I am going through in my life.

To end, I have been hearing this great song from Tenth Avenue North all over the radio since my friend Sarah introduced me to them a few weeks ago, and I cannot help but to think that this song is from God as a message to me. Not only to me, but to all those who need to know that no matter what He is by your side, through it all.

Heaven called, he answered...

2008-11-29T16:00:00.001-06:00

Today as I woke up I had no idea of the news I was about to find as I logged on to my facebook account. Jake and I just found out that one of my and Jake's friends, Todd, lost his dad Ron to a battle with cancer last night 11/28/08 around 9 pm. This was a fast and furious battle from what we understand, as he was diagnosed a little over a month ago. This is a sad day for the De Jong family and we lift up his wife Ranelle, and his children Todd and his wife April, Tyler and his wife Crystal, and Sandra, her husband Chris Borchers and their kids, and all their extended family. I know this time is not easy for them, and I don't even pretend to know what they're going through right now. I do know however that they know and are comforted by the fact that he has gone to heaven to be with Jesus, and that they too will see Ron again one day when they are called home to heaven for eternity.

Ron was a great man, and we have many fond memories of him, especially Figure 8 racing and all the fun we had at those times. We will always remember those moments with him, and cannot wait for the day when we too will join him in singing with the choirs of angels in heaven.
God called a great man home today, he must've needed a very special angel to join him.
We love you Ron, we'll miss you, always.

I have a lot of songs that come to mind right now that I'd like to post on here, but I will only post one. It has really helped me through some difficult times recently, and I hope it will be able to help this family during this time, and it will be a blessing to them.

This is a video of the lead singer talking about the song "Streets of Gold" that you can play on my music player to the right of this message. There are also some other songs after that and mixed in that are very comforting as well.

God Bless.

Giving Thanks in all Circumstances

2008-11-27T12:12:00.000-06:00

In honor of the celebration of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be fitting that Jake and I compiled lists of the things we are especially thankful for this year. I figured that even despite all the negative things we are all seeing in the news these days and all the happenings around the world, there is still always something to be thankful for, and today just happens to provide us a day to be able to focus on these things and give thanks in ALL circumstances.
These are in no particular order, and no particular amount. And before you ask, no, I did NOT write these for Jake, as for #1, I am not that vain :-)

Jake is thankful for:

1. Nikki, having a loving wife
2. Freedom
3. Family and Friends
4. Health
5. Living in Iowa

Nikki is thankful for:

1. Jake, a loving and understanding husband, such a blessing in my life.
2. Friends and Family who are always there and constantly uplifting us in prayer.
3. God, His rich blessings and grace in our lives.
4. Freedom. Being able to live in a free country (and Iowa) :-) And being able to give Thanks.
5. Life and life lessons. Being able to live and learn even now as I am struggling with my health.
6. Music. So uplifting and moving, helps get me through whatever it is I am facing in any given day.
7. The many gifts that God has given me through Art and Photography, Nature and Song.

So we pray in this day, weather you are alone or spending time with friends and family, that you too are giving thanks. Being able to give thanks no matter what your going through, it's all part of God's Faithfulness in and to all our lives.

I leave you with a video to the song For the Beauty of the Earth, sung here by Barlowgirl. This song is one of my favorite and most cherished songs about the Thanksgiving season and I know it's "old school" but I never get sick of hearing it. "Lord of all to Thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise!"

Also, I found a video of the things that little kids are thankful for, very cute!

Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving from the Boden Household :-)

Love is Here...

2008-11-21T13:01:00.000-06:00

I have really been struggling these past 2 months. Jake has also been struggling right along with me. What are we dealing with?

I have been very sick the past 2 months. I won't go into great detail, but I have been having Gastrointestinal and Stomach issues, and a multitude of tests are being and have been run to figure out what is wrong with me, and to no avail. It started with pain in my side and the doctors thought it was my Gall Bladder, proceed to gallbladder ultrasound, and then a scan to see how my gallbladder was functioning, and they still found nothing.

Still having symptoms, I continued to go see my doctor and they continued to draw more and more blood and run more and more tests to rule out various things. Still, nothing. This has been going on and on, over and over for a little over 2 months now, and still there are no answers to be had. As a result of all of this I have missed a lot of work, and while the place I work has been
very good in dealing with all this, and helping me through this, I know I cannot miss much more.

First of all Jake and I need that money and rely on it to help pay our bills, without it we could fall really behind. I have used all my PTO (paid time off) missing work and therefore am no longer getting paid out those hours that I miss anymore, so that is one thing.

Secondly Jake is having to deal with all this right along with me and I know that it is very frustrating to not know, and having me be sick all the time, but he has been so good about everything and very understanding; yet another reason why I married this man.

Thirdly, me. I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately and I believe that is adding to all the symptoms that I continue to have, as well as depression. This depression is not a new thing for me, in fact I have been dealing with this as far back as when I was in High School, and probably even before but I never realized it until then. My depression has gotten worse, and has become so bad that I have a harder and harder time getting out of bed in the morning, I cry at almost everything, and most of the time for no reason whatsoever. I often find catch myself taking this all out on Jake and my mood-swings have been all over the place lately. I am tired all the time and it seems as if I can never get enough sleep, so I am always fatigued. I also believe part of this depression is because I am homesick and miss my family, as I have never been away from them for this long a period of time.

Anyway, my point being after talking to my doctor she believes that that I am truly depressed, and that this might be causing the Gastro and Stomach problems that I've been having, or at least adding to the problem. I have to meet with her further to discuss all of this next week, so hopefully all that I have been going through will be able to be resolved, and soon!

Jake and I are both frustrated at this point and I am beginning to feel hopeless about the situation at hand, sometimes I wonder why me? Why am I going through this?

Then I am reminded of this : "the Lord gives no trial to the faithful that will not in the end prove to be a blessing." Just some encouraging words from a friend. How great it is to think that through all of this, despite the not knowing and the uncertainty of these trials I am going through, that God is blessing me, and continues to bless me, even in this.

This is why I tell you this, not for you to feel sorry for me, because there is no need for that, but to tell you that even in this I am feeling God's love, and I know that no matter what you are going through in your life, Gods love and grace is there for you too! How amazing!

I finish by saying just how thankful and grateful I am for all that I have been given in my life despite my current "sufferings." I thank God every day that I have Jake here to help me get through every day and know that no matter what he will always be here for me. I thank God for supportive friends and family that are constantly uplifting me and Jake in your prayers, and constantly continue to do so.

So I leave you all with this. One of my "Sisters" introduced me to this group Tenth Avenue North, and I found this song to be healing and helpful to me, especially in my struggles today.
It is entitled " Love is Here." So for your listening and viewing pleasure.....

The story of us, in a nutshell, I hope

2008-11-16T18:05:00.000-06:00

For those of you who don't know us, and for those
who do, this might be new to you so here goes.

Jake and I got together in high school, he was 18, I was 17,( and no I will not give away my age, you'll just have to figure it out from reading the rest of this); but we met in 1999, in what can only be considered the most CLASSY way to meet, and that would be Cruising the "Loop" as they call it in a good old NW Iowa town called Sioux Center. Basically we'd hang out (even in the cold) from about 7-11pm at night driving around and just hanging out. Sounds like fun, right?!

So, anyway all his friends (from the opposing High school I might add), were dating all my friends. One night they were all going out for Pizza to the "Ranch" and then bowling, and they were all like "do you wanna come? cause we can get our guys to take him along!" Of course I said yes, I am not crazy! I wasn't really looking for anybody, cause I had been burnt in the past, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try right? So there we were a slice of pizza between us....and like 14 other people:-) Haha! Anyway we hung out all night talking and eating pizza and bowling and the end of the night came to be. I was sitting down taking my lovely and stylish bowling shoes off and Jake struts over in his cowboy boots and sits down next to me. Here is what he said verbatim. "So, do you wanna make it official, do you wanna be my girlfriend?" and me so eagerly said "OK!" and that was that. Then we drove off into the night in separate vehicles. What a way to start. The rest as they say, is history.

8 years later, yes you saw that correctly, I decided to make Jake a meal that I had found on the internet called "Engagement Chicken" and decided it couldn't hurt to try, I mean it had to work after all this time, right? So the plan was for me to cook Jake a meal at his house while he was gone to work and wasn't supposed to be back for at least a few hours. Well, didn't exactly work out as planned. He came home super early and caught me in the act of preparing supper for him almost saw the recipe I had laying on the table for the "Engagement Chicken" and I freaked!
I promptly made him go downstairs and get cleaned up and just relax, and I would let him know when supper was ready. So I finish cooking, we eat and we're hanging out just talking and relaxing. We have some dessert, and I am not feeling well, at all. Not good. My head is pounding, by body hurts and I have the chills, fantastic. So much for a romantic evening, right? So anyway, Jake runs downstairs and says he'll be right back. At this point I feel like I'm gonna pass out, so I don't think I even heard anything he said. He comes back up stairs and sits down on the couch and there is this cap sitting next to him, um okay? We sit there, (and I think he had other plans on how to do this but he's never admitted to it) and he get's down on the floor and I stand up cause I thought he was going somewhere, I don't know why, and he says something like "Nikki I love you and we've been together a long time and I just want to know if you'll make it official and be my wife, will you marry me." (again probably not verbatim since I was probably hallucinating from being sick at this point). All I could say was "are you serious?!" like 10 times, and then I finally said "Yes" and we laughed and cried and hugged for a long time, and all the sudden my sickness seemed to disappear, probably from adreneline. The day after this happened I found out I had the flu and was sick for the whole week afterwords, so I couldn't even enjoy being engaged for the 1st week!

We got engaged on October 7th 2006, and planned our wedding for almost exactly a year later on October 6th 2007. We got married at 4:00 on an 85 degree and windy day surrounded by about 250 of our families and friends.

It was the best day ever, and we waited almost 9 years to get to the day, but it was so worth all the tears, fights, laughter, and all the events we'd gone through to get to this point. We both knew on that day, that we were marrying our best friend, and there are not many things that surpass that knowledge, except of course the Knowledge of God and the fact that He was the one who had brought us through all those years, together. He's the one that has set our path, and now we are in this thing together, dancing through life, no matter what life brings we have God on our side and we can't wait to see what happens next!

We Will Dance...

2008-11-15T22:09:00.002-06:00

Hey,
This blog is starting as a result of Jake and I being away from our families and as a way to stay in contact with all of you and let you know what we're up to and what's going on in our lives here. It's a chance to connect with you on a different level and for you to see us going through our everyday lives together. Also this is a chance for me to sort of journal about what's been going on, and hopefully start to let people know our hopes and dreams for the future and to "showcase" those thoughts on here as well.

The title of the blog comes from a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, which talks about dancing through life with the person you love and living day by day, going through it all together no matter what until the last day of your lives' together. Hopefully once I get this whole blogging thing down I can post a link to the song or put a music player up on this blog of all our favorite songs, as well as the things that inspire us.
Hope you enjoy reading this and getting to know us just a little bit better.