Red Rover, Red Rover, Send my Savior right over....

As you know a month ago I lost my job, that I loved due to this illness that I suffer with every day of my life, the big D. Depression. This past month has been a huge series of ups and downs, although I am sad to say that it has been mostly downs. I can say too, that this month has brought me back to my childhood. Not necessarily in a good way, just in a way that has made me realize how bad everything is right now and I think, no, I am sure I have hit rock bottom.

Lets compare shall we, all the ways the my life has become(sort of) like my childhood.

1. Doing everything I can and making every excuse in the book to not take a shower or a bath. Seriously, it really is that bad, I have gone 1 whole week plus a couple days without taking a shower and all because I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't going anywhere anyway, nobody was going to see me, and therefore I didn't "feel the need" to waste water on myself. I feel sorry for Jake mostly, because he had to deal with me every week, and he's been really good about it so far, but I think there might come a time when he might lock me in the bathroom, until I become so bored the only thing left to do after organizing the medicine cabinet is to take a shower. It's gross I realize this, but I just don't feel like it.

2. Staying up late until all hours of the night, having a slumber party, only this one is all by myself. Seriously, I haven't been sleeping normally. Last week I went almost 24 hours without any sleep. The reason? I don't want to go to bed knowing that I have nothing to get up for in the morning, and I don't have anywhere to go, so why bother!? Sad, I know.

3. Sleeping in. I remember how I cherished sleeping in on Saturday mornings during my junior high through college years. Seriously, if you ask my husband even now he would say there is no chance of waking me, I sleep like "the dead" and I often wake up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in, which is on my left side, snuggling with my body pillow. But seriously, along with the staying up until 5 in the morning everyday has come sleeping all day. Sometimes until 4 in the afternoon, just because then I won't have to think about not having to be anywhere or go anywhere, and then I have every excuse for why I didn't get the "chores" done.

4. Speaking of Chores. I would do everything, anything to get out of doing these as a child, and to tell you the truth I still do, to a point. My problem is that I like to put off doing things like washing the dishes or doing laundry until I have no dishes left, and the only thing I have left to wear is the "I love Shih'Tzus'" T-shirt and a pair of leggings, that I haven't worn in over 5 years. No. Lie. But really, now, it is out of control. I did dishes (by hand, because that's what you do when you have no dishwasher), for 2 hours the other day, and all because I don't "feel" like doing them, despite the fact that I am home all day. The laundry, nope not a chance that those clothes are getting washed, because the basement, it's just creep-tastic, and heaven forbid that I actually get out of my PJ's and get dressed like a normal person, and GO.OUT.SIDE. Gasp! People might see me, and the sun (when it's been out lately) is really bright! Who knew right?! These are all the excuses I make and have been making lately as to not do any of these household chores.

This has been my life the last month. I know it's sad. But it's reality for me. These are the things that I deal with, that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard to explain exactly why I do all these things, even I can't explain it, it defies a logic that even I cannot begin to understand. But, as sad as this life situation might be right now I know that my God, my Savior is holding me in the palm of his hand.

There are people everywhere praying for me and Jake, and things are getting better. Slowly. With time. I could say I expect a miracle, that I will be healed and this will all go away and I won't be "sick" or "crazy" anymore and I won't cry for no reason; and although I do believe in miracles I know that this is something I will inevitably deal with for the rest of my life.

I also know that even though I will have this "disease" for the rest of my life, that there are ways to control it, with medicine and doctors and therapy, and I am looking into all those things and combinations of those things to help me live a more normal and productive life.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have this disease and I am not ashamed to say that despite this disease I am a child of God, he loves me in spite of this and helps to carry me through all this. When he calls out "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nikki right over!" Instead of letting me run through his arms He catches me and I run INTO his arms and he holds me there and lets me know how much he loves me, and how he will never let me go.

It's been awhile hasn't it?

These past few months have been a lot of ups and downs in life for both me and Jake. Jake started at ISU in Ag Engineering, a HUGE answer to so many prayers, so much time was spent with friends and family and working and just enjoying our second Summer here together in Ames. We even started attending a church here in Ames, called Bridgeway, and we know God has great things in store for this church and it's people!

My job was going really well, but I was and am still struggling with depression and it was starting to cause me to miss work. Yesterday I lost my job as a result of it, and now times are more stressful than ever. Today I received an email from my pastor, Pastor Bob as we call him, I had sent him and email yesterday about everything that was going on, and I'd like to share some of his response with you:

"As you go through this time, remember to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. We cannot muster up faith, but instead it comes as we lean on the One who is completely faithful to meet us in whatever we are facing. The great love, mercy and power of God in Christ Jesus is what grows our faith. Keep looking to him and claim is promises for you today that he will not leave or forsake you."

Just yesterday in church we had sermon about fear, and why we are afraid. Here are some of the notes that I took during that sermon:

There are 3 truths:

1. The storms in life we experience are real.

James 1:2-3 (TNIV) Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Romans 8:35-37 (TNIV) Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

2.Fear comes when we look only at the storm

*Fear is the opposite of Faith*

3.An Overcoming Faith looks to Jesus

*God does not always deliver us from the storm, but he WILL walk with us through all the storms in our life*

John 16:33(TNIV) "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Psalm 46:1-3 (TNIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, thought the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though the waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 107:28-32 (TNIV) Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them five thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for humankind. Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

Woah. All I know is all that hit me on Sunday, and if it didn't resonate then, it sure did yesterday when part of my life crumbled around me. This is truly God using his word to touch and help shape our lives. These passages are all such a blessing to me and I know I will read them and study them more in the days and weeks to come. I know God will bring me through this, I "fell on my knees" today and cried out to God to show me his promise for my life, and to heal my sickness, and lead me wherever he wants and needs me to be. For him to show me the way because I cannot do this alone, for him to help me in my times of unbelief.....it was the most cleansing thing. After I finished there was this peace around me. I felt him there, once again in my little bedroom on Douglas Avenue. He's been there all along, I am the one who got lost.

Pastor Bob also emailed me the lyrics to a song. Another God thing. This song had been on my heart the previous week and has helped me immensely! Praise God!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You


-Matt Redman

Even when I feel abandoned, I can.

This was my morning devotional the day after I wrote the last entry in this blog. Thanks be to God, Praise God! For even in my storm I can raise my hands and worship him!


“Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made him share our sin in order that in union with him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust Him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way.

Remember what God has already done for you. If God never did anything else for you, He would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God’s Son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship.

Unfortunately, we forget the cruel details of the agonizing sacrifice God made on our behalf. Familiarity breeds complacency. Even before His crucifixion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with thorns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heartless men, He was treated worse than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While His lifeblood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of His pain and challenging His claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind’s sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Jesus could have saved himself—but then He could not have saved you.

Words cannot describe the darkness of that moment. Why did God allow and endure such ghastly, evil mistreatment? Why? So you could be spared from eternity in hell, and so you could share in His glory forever! The Bible says, “Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made Him share our sin in order that in union with Him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

Jesus gave up everything so you could have everything. He died so you could live forever. That alone is worthy of your continual thanks and praise. Never again should you wonder what you have to be thankful for.