Hopes and Dreams

This week for me has been a realization of a lot of things in and around my life, and believe me when I say that not all of them were what I would call "good" in fact a lot of them have really opened my eyes in ways that I cannot even begin to describe, at least not adequately anyway.

This is the week that I spent money on things we didn't need, and I thought I was trying to help by getting some Christmas presents that we would have gotten eventually anyway, and besides that, everything was on sale! I thought it was justified, apparently it wasn't, and needless to say, Jake was not too pleased, which I understood, but didn't necessarily appreciate at the time.

I also have a goal of losing weight, and inspired by my little sister and my husband, I have the urge to go and run. Yes, you can check my temperature, I said run. Never in a million years would I have ever said that and be completely serious about it, or am I? Well this time, I mean it. Enough is enough, and if running will in some way help relieve my stresses and my inner demons, if it will give me some endorphins to help me make it through my day, then so be it. And I bought a great pair of running shoes (which came with a free pair of running leggings, and were $50 off the regular price, so the Dutch person in me dove at the chance to purchase), thinking that Jake would be happy that I finally decided to take some initiative and do something about all this pain and angst I have built up inside. He was not. I get it, I really do, but I had hoped that maybe this could be a Christmas present to me, and that would be that. Apparently I was sadly mistaken.

Friday this week, would be the day that I was supposed to go to the clinic and have a multitude of tests; poking, prodding, squeezing, what-have-you, for the surgery that I had scheduled for the 6th of January of 2010. Well the realization in all of this is that I don't have a job, I lost the one I loved because of my disease, because of my depression. Therefore I have no more insurance and when faced with the chance to continue my insurance through Cobra and pay for it every month until a month after surgery because I had been waiting 10 years for the opportunity to have said surgery, we decided that it couldn't happen, that it wouldn't happen.

I have to tell you my heart ripped when that conversation was had, that "yes you can do it, but no, we don't have the money to do it, so therefore you can't do it." I can honestly say that I have never felt the pain and reality of my "choices", the choices that came about because of my disease than at that very moment. All the choices that took away part of the hopes and dreams I'd had for myself, for my life for so long.

My life was going to be so much better, so much easier (as if), I was going to be so much happier, and my life was going to change because of this surgery. And now it's not. Now the hopes and dreams that I had for my life in those moments have all got to change, they need a new direction to go.

The question I keep asking is where? What? now how do I do this? You see, your hopes and dreams for your life don't change just because you no longer have a job, nobody will hire you because of what happened at your last job so they just give you some random answer about why you didn't get the job, you're depressed, and down-trodden, and forlorn and so lonely that you could scream, and all you want to do is lay in bed and cry, and try as you might you can never really explain it to people who just don't understand, who won't understand. I still have hopes and dreams, I just have to go about a new way of getting them.

My hopes for a healthier me, thus the running shoes, and therefore my dreams of having a family come from me being healthier, and I dream of having children because of this.

My hopes for normality in my life, thus, the spending money on Christmas gifts, because that is what I would do if I had a job, and that is normal, and I want normal, I crave it, to feel and be normal in my everyday life again. So, why not go on with life as I should and be a normal person and do some Christmas shopping.

That said, I also want a place to live, and food to eat, so when those packages arrive, I am afraid they might have to go back, or at least most of it anyway. Not because I don't want them, but because I don't need them, I can't need them right now, and sometimes it's just hard to admit that to myself, especially when I want so much right now, and feel like in some ways I have so little.

It's hard to explain why I do what I do sometimes, to justify my actions, because sometimes even I don't know why. I just thought it would make me happy somehow. Help fulfill even a PART of those hopes and dreams I have for myself, and Jake and our life together.

This week I realized, I can't do this on my own, I need help, I need my meds regulated, I need people in my life that help to hold me accountable for my actions, I need someone to talk to that is not "in" the situation, because trust me when I tell you that my husband can only take so much of me, despite the fact he loves me, I truly believe that he wants to fix me, and he can't. He doesn't get what is going on with me as much as he might try, and sometimes you have to admit when you need help. I need help. There it is, out for all to see.

In fact when I get done writing this I am going to get in contact with a Mental Health facility here in Ames, and see if I can't do something about all of this. It has taken a lot for me to admit this, because I have been "doing it on my own" and didn't want to admit that everything is worse than I thought, and getting worse everyday. It's like admitting defeat, but I will admit it, I feel defeated.

After all these are my hopes and dreams I am talking about here. And I don't want to lose those, for anything. I won't let anything take them away from me, not this disease, not the enemy, not ANYTHING! They are ours. Jake's and mine, and we deserve to have them and be happy and this is a start, a new beginning for our hopes and dreams that we have for ourselves, for one another, together. Always.


Jeremiah 29:11 TNIV (Today's New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.