Looking Back to Look Forward

Haven't written in a while, you probably know why I wasn't here. I was away dealing with life and everything that has been thrown into my life. I was trying to take care of myself a little better, and by taking care of myself I don't mean working out; I mean I was busy trying to remember how to LIVE again, how to act and feel and be some semblance of a "normal" person again, no matter how feeble that attempt might be because I have never been and will never consider myself to be what the world considers "normal." I was busy trying to find that human being who I know so desperately wants to be and do so many thing, that person who had and has so many dreams for her life, where'd she go?! I have been searching high and low and yet still to no avail. She seems to have been lost in the shuffle, in the ups and downs of a life she didn't ask for and certainly never planned on, in a life that is hard for even the people that love me to completely understand. Lost in a life she would never wish on anybody, because it simply too painful, and too lonely, with too many inner demons and struggles; and nobody should have to go through any of that.

Not even me.

This depression, this anxiety, has wrapped itself around my life, embedded itself into my head and my body, and continues to wreck havoc, and cause stress and crying and self loathing. I am forever fighting with myself, in a disease I never wanted, I never asked for, and that I pray to be rescued from every day. But I have come to the realization that is not going to happen. Oh, don't get me wrong, I DO believe in miracles, in the Grace of God, I know He can deliver me from this, I HAVE the Faith, it is my middle name after all. However, I also believe that I have been "given" this disease for a reason,that there is something that God wants me to do. I believe that reason is so that I can tell other people about what is going on with me, that I can spread the awareness and make it not be such a shameful thing, such a "wrong" thing, something that is so looked down upon. I can open up my life and my mind to what is going on so that others around me can learn and hopefully be helped by even one thing that I may have to say. I have accepted this now. And no, I didn't ask for it, but I now feel like it is one of my many callings in my life.

Last week I finally decided to take some initiative and go get some more help, so that I can be that person I want to be, so that I can help more people understand, so that I can love life again, because I know that is what I want more than anything, and more than that, I NEED it. So I headed off to a Mental Health Center here in town, I registered, filled out all the necessary paper work, and now wait to hear back about getting treatment. Treatment, that I have prayed about and know that I will be covered for 100%, because I cannot afford it out of my own pocket. What kind of treatment? Well, therapy, or counseling for one. I need to talk to someone that is not "on the inside" of all of this and doesn't live it with me daily. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but he NEEDS a break from all of this too. The other thing is that I NEED to get my medications regulated. Regulated to the point where I can live my definition of a normal life. So that I can get out of bed in the morning, take a shower once in awhile, and have the energy and the motivation to work out and change my life and body. These meds are something that I know for me, despite all the exercise and endorphins coursing through my body, that I will have to take for the rest of my life in order to be human again. I have come to this realization, and I am not ashamed to admit it; because if that is what I need for myself, to take care of myself, THAT is what I am going to do. Take care of myself. This regulating of meds however, may involve me being checked into a hospital for a few days to make sure I can "tolerate" everything the way I am supposed to, and YES I am scared about that but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I feel like this is kind of the "rebirth" of me, like this is my time to do everything I wanted and needed and now, hopefully, I can get through. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I take my life by each moment sometimes, because it is all I can do to get through to the next day. Now I have a feeling, no, a knowledge, a confidence in the fact that I will be able to get through each day, to move forward, to look ahead to the new year, to this new life that I have wanted for myself for so long.