Find your wings

Dear Daemon,

Today is your 5th birthday, and I cannot believe you are that old already! It seems like just yesterday when your mom and dad called and were so excited that you had finally arrived after many hours of labor and finally a c-section in the hot Texas weather. Even then you were a stubborn little boy!



I finally met you when you were 2 months old. You came to live with your mom and dad at GG and Pops' house when you moved up from Texas, and I was living there at the time too. How how I loved those days! Even when you would cry I would just think how awesome it was to have you here and how I wished I could have been there for your birth! It was great having you living at that house D-man, we spent so much time together, so many days and nights getting to know each other. I loved it when your cue ball head went from bald to curly, almost overnight! that curly hair, oh how I love the thought of it and miss it on your head even now, I would love to run my fingers through that mop of hair on your head.

You are the smartest little man I know. Reading by yourself when you were 4 years old, you know the alphabet forwards and backwards. The time you counted to 100 for me, that was awesome! You can probably count to infinity by now you're so smart!
Even your teacher was impressed.

You love to read, and you love to read to me when I come and visit and I love to soak it all up, and I just marvel at you, you are a little wonder, a little blessing, and you get smarter and smarter every time I see you. You even showed me how to log on to PBS Kids, and how I should really click the "Hint" button when I play Bejeweled because it will "help you out a lot." You make me smile.

You used to call me Auntie Ninny because you couldn't say your k's for "Nikki". I loved hearing you say that, it just made my heart melt. A few months ago I came home and you called me "Auntie Nikki" and oh how happy and sad I was all at the same time. Happy because you are getting bigger and smarter, but sad because I knew that I was always going to miss being your "Auntie Ninny" but I will always remember it too!

And buddy? I know that I am farther away now, and I don't get to come see you as much as you or I would like, but don't ever for a second think that means I don't love you and think about you and pray for you every single day! I would be there in a heartbeat to spend time with you and have you read to me, and show me how to use "my camera" and tell me everything you did that day over and over again.

1 month from now you will be starting kindergarten and I can hardly believe it! You are getting to be such a big boy and the time sure has flown by, I know your mommy and daddy say the same thing too. Even though I won't be there for your first day of kindergarten, just know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you and loving you still.

You are my little D-man, my little buddy. Happy Birthday!
Love,
Auntie Ninny

Even in the Dark

This song and words touched my heart today in a way I really needed it. Just wanted to share with you:

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright s´gonna be alright

Goings' on

It's been way too long, but I have so many things to share!
There have been many more ups and downs in the life of Nikki and Jake, Jake and Nikki since I wrote last.

Jake and I started going back to church in April, a move I believe that was in the making for some time, but me, being well, me, I was being selfish during all of the depression and the bi-polar and anxiety issues and sickness that I was dealing with. I thought if God couldn't help me through that and protect me from that then I didn't need Him anyway, and so I just stopped going to church, stopped being involved in that community and, just stopped. Everything just stopped, time stood still, even as it was passing me right by. I think of all the things I missed because of my foolish heart, of all the things that God was trying to tell me and fill me in on, all the great songs I never got to sing and people I never got to meet. I mourn that loss now.
Since going back I have joined the praise team and get to use my gifts through music every week and I love it! We've even joined a great community group filled with amazing, God-loving, sharing, caring people. It's been an awesome healing in my life and in my heart. God has even blessed me with a great friend that I can tell anything to, and I know that God brought her into my life for a reason, and I knew it the first time I met her. Honestly. I am in awe of how and why God put her in my life, she's an awesome person, and lives God out in her life, and is never afraid to share something with me from experiences in her life if she thinks it will help in my life. I praise God for the blessing she is in and to my life!

I have been jobless for over 9 months. Well in June I was offered a part time job at a retail/decorating store about 20 minutes away. I jumped at the chance, and even though it is only part time I love being able to get out and do more with my days. It helps to fulfill my longing for interaction and helping out in a way. I love my job, the people are great and right now I think this is a great fit for me! At first I was sad that it was only part time, but I think getting back into working, that maybe it's a good thing so that I can adjust to more "normal" way of life again!

After some encouragement from others I have finally decided to take on Photography more, and took a big step! O have begun posting my pictures on Darkness is as Light Photography and have even been approached to sell some of my images which I am really excited about! I have even looked into schooling options for photography and have found a great one through the Art Institute of America that I can take online, which would be awesome! Still looking at that though, cause the time and money involved would be great. Right now I am happy to be taking pictures for family and friends and just being able to show other people what I love so much about nature and the outdoors through my eyes, and through the lens of my camera.

I look back to last September when I lost my job, and think of how different things were then. How hopeless, how alone and lost I felt in my life and how no amount of anything, even God was going to make me feel normal. Make me feel more like a human again. Make me feel more of anything. I can see my journey out of the darkness and into the light. I heard a song on the radio today, and here's just some of the lyrics:

♬ ♪ ♪ Would you dare would you dare to believe ♫ ♬ ♪ That you still have a reason to sing ♫ ♩ ♪ Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling ♫ ♪ ♩ It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming ♫ ♬ ♪

And that is so true! All that pain that I had been feeling that was weighing me down could never compare to what God has in store for me, what his plans are for my life now and the future and for eternity! I still have a reason to sing, and I praise God for giving me that reason in Him.