14 years ago

We met.

 I was dating someone else, you just happened to be there at the same time in the same group of friends. We became friends. My relationship ended, and you and me, we continued to be friends, to get to know each other a little bit better. We started hanging out more, it was kind of hard not to when all our friends were dating each other. One night we all went out for pizza and bowling, and you and me were the only ones that were not attached to anybody. We spent the night talking and flirting I smiled at you, you smiled back, we sat next to one another and as the night was ending; me taking off my bowling shoes, you came up and asked me to "make it official, would you be my girlfriend?" I almost fainted right there in that bowling alley. "Yes" was the answer I gave. That was just the beginning.

 Eight years later, you asked me again, to "make it official, would you be my wife?" You put the ring on my finger and I screamed so loud I think people five miles away could hear me as I said "Are you serious?!! Yes!!!" there was much jumping up and down for joy and hugs and kisses that evening, and we drove off into the night to tell my parents. 

One year later, October 6th, 2007 we were married.

 On a day completely unlike today. It was 85 degrees and windy. We were getting married in a church out in the country in Carmel Iowa. I remember getting ready with all my girls, make-up just on, and through the door I heard your voice as you were walking past, and the tears came. Tears of joy and happiness. I was finally going to be your wife after so much time together and I couldn't stop the tears. 

 We met before the ceremony, a moment together alone (with the photographers), you told me how beautiful I looked and how "poofy" my dress was, and I commented on the tie clip I had given you to wear that day. A tie clip my grandmother had given to me to give to you while she told me "Your grandpa wore this on our wedding day", and I was filled with memories of him and all of our other family members who were watching us from above that day. 

 And then it was off for photos with our friends and family. 

My veil blew in the wind, my dress swooshed and swayed as you twirled and dipped me for photos. We smiled so much our cheeks hurt. It was so good. 

 Then the moment came. People, all the people that love and support us so much began to file into the church pews. The music started. I was standing at the end of the aisle with my dad, looking at you standing at the other end, and the tears came again. So happy for this moment, for God's faithfulness in bringing us here to this place together. That was the most important and best walk I've ever taken, the walk into my journey with you. 

 The ceremony was lovely. A great message, music, candles, parents laying their hands on us in prayer, being surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. And God was there, orchestrating it all. We walked out of the ceremony, I threw my hand holding my bouquet in the air and hollered, and everyone rang bells and clapped and hooted and hollered right along with us. 

 We drove away from the church in the Suzuki with streamers and cans following behind us and wind blowing down a country road, shaving cream that pelted us in the face, and we laughed and talked about what a great story this would be. Some of the best moments of our lives. 

 The night was spent celebrating and dancing, talking and sharing with friends and family who had come from all over the country just to be with us. We are so loved. We realized just how much and how blessed we are to have so many people who love us so much! We danced into the night and drove away around midnight.

 The next couple days are a blur. Everything moved so fast. I packed up the last of my things from my childhood home, hugged and cried some more and waved goodbye to my parents as I hopped in my Honda and followed you in your Chevy down the road to Ames, Iowa. Those were probably the most empty and full of thinking my own thoughts 3 and 1/2 hours that I've ever had. 

We started a new life here together in Ames 5 years ago. 

You're still my favorite. My best friend. The one who loves me through everything. My biggest fan. My shoulder to cry on. The one I still dream with and for.

 I love you. 

Thank you for choosing me.

  I will always choose you.

Feeling the need for Change

Lately been feeling that feeling where something needs to change in my life, or is it in our life together? (no worries, we are still together) Got the feeling a few weeks ago when I was texting my mom, and she said "I was talking to Candice, (my sister) and we think you'd make a really great birth photographer, have you ever thought about doing that?" This was interesting, because I had just been talking to Jake about that not even two days before that, and said "I think it would be awesome to be able to be a birth photographer, and photograph babies coming into the world!" I was joking totally NOT joking.

 I got the feeling that something needed to change when Jake and I had a conversation about our future, about what that looked like, about how we would get there, about babies and the desires of our hearts and all that jazz. We talked about things I had been praying about for a long time, and I just needed to hear my husbands thoughts on things, to gain perspective on things that I thought maybe I was "alone" in.

 I got that feeling again today when I was at work and and I just posted it out on Facebook for the whole "world" to see it. I asked for thoughts and prayers because I am feeling like I am being called, led to a change, to something different.

The thing is, I have been having this feeling for a long while now. It comes and goes, but I don't know what the change is (okay, I think I DO know), or if it's even what I am/we are supposed to be doing.

 I guess I am asking for your thoughts, your prayers on the the possible changes. I need to know that this is something that I am supposed to be doing, that I am headed in the right direction, that these feelings are coming from a good place, a TRUE place, that they are from God and not just because it's something I am humanly searching for. I want to know that I am following God's lead, that I am going where He's taking me, and not just because I so selfishly long for something more. I know God is the Creator. He's the writer of my story, a story that I am a part of. I am trusting Him, trusting his story for me, his story for me and my husband, to lead us to that next change; whatever it is, whenever it is, wherever that may be.

Please pray for us. With us. We are so blessed to have some amazing people in our lives that love us, and that we love so dearly, that would do anything for us, and we humbly ask for prayers for guidance, for truth, for God's will to be done in and through our lives and marriage and that these changes would be a blessing. We know God longs to bless us. He knows the desires of our hearts. 


              

(Courtesy of Mandie Gorsuch)

Dear Vaeh

Dear Vaeh,

 I miss you so much. I miss you sleeping in my bed and cuddling up next to me. I miss your wonderful furry face and your kisses. Someday you will be able to come and live with me and daddy again, but until that can happen please be good to your grandparents, your doggie-sister Diva and the other humans in your life. I think about you every day and wish I didn't have to live so far from you and in a place that doesn't allow you to be here with me. Be nice and don't torture Horatio the cat too much as all he really wants is a friend, and you are his best friend. Make sure to play nice and stay on the yard and listen when you are called, because I would be so sad if anything bad ever happened to you. Take time to lay in the sunshine and bark at those darn squirrels and just be the adorable fuzz-ball that I know you are. Remember to not beg too much, but some food from the table isn't a bad thing every once in a while. Also just a secret between you and me, they keep the treats on top of the fridge, so maybe glance up there longingly every once in a while, they'll get the hint :-)

Remember. I love you. You are my most favorite dog ever. I just wanted you to know.

Hugs and Kisses,

Momma

That one time I had a breakdown in the middle of Subway

Yes, the food chain, Subway. It was this past Sunday.

I'd had a long day at work with starting with an early morning alarm at 5 am. Taking care of residents all day with many needs, lets just say I was already drained.

 I got home. Jake gave me some news about someone in our church. It wasn't bad news, it was happy news, but for me it was the downhill spiral for the day. It had something to do with babies, and having them, and it wasn't me doing the having and that's all I needed to know.

To top it off I hadn't really spent any time with Jake the last couple days and I was missing him, I just wanted to spend time with him, but he was busy doing his own thing and I felt ignored and unwanted. Just being honest here.

I felt asleep on the couch and took a bitty nap hoping I'd feel better and be more chipper and much happier upon my awakening. Not the case. I feel more tired and worse and I didn't want to make supper but I was starvin' marvin and just wanted to eat. Right. Now! So we made the trek a few blocks downtown to the Subway like we have many times, but this time I complained and whined the whole way there. I was NOT in a good mood. Fabulous.

We got there I ordered, Jake ordered and I said I'd go get the drinks while Jake went and got us a table to sit. Now you must know, my husband never puts a lid on his drink when we go out to eat (at places that offer lids for drinks, don't judge, we all eat at those places). Moving on. So I debated whether or not to put a lid on and picked one up and then put it back, knowing he'd just make a comment on it when I brought his drink to the table if there was a lid present. So I filled the drinks and proceeded to turn and walk towards said table. There was a lady at the counter ordering all her toppings for her sandwich. She shifted back towards me, I swerved to try and not get hit, and bam. Down goes Jake's drink on the floor. Really?! I just joked with Jake trying to make light of the situation and said "Guess you don't get to drink today!" He countered with a joke that we have amongst the 2 of us, that usually makes me smile, with "I can't take you anywhere!" and he got up to go and get another drink, without a lid. There was no smiling involved this time.

 I. Lost. It. All of it. All the emotions and everything I'd been dealing with all day, maybe all week began to come to the surface. I just started crying and sobbing uncontrollably sitting next to the window of the Subway in downtown Ames. Fabulous. As if I didn't already feel stupid enough, now the tears were streaming down my face. I was literally crying into my food. I was a big snot-monster. It was really attractive let me tell you.

He came back to the table and said "honey, it's only a drink." But to me it wasn't just a drink. It was way more than that. It was my whole week at work, all the news that people were getting and I was not, the time not being spent with my husband, the nit-picking, the arguments, the whining and complaining and everything I had been dealing with. It was right there in that moment and it was rearing it's ugly head. I continued to cry in my food and wipe away tears (thank God for extra Subway napkins), and just stare out the window trying to ignore the people around me and hoping they weren't staring.

 I had been doing so well, (hence the lack of blogging on my part), but right then in that moment all that darkness came flooding back, reminding me that it was still there, that it had not left and that I still needed to deal with it. All my failures, my short-comings, the feeling that I couldn't do anything right ever. It all came to a head in that little Subway restaurant in downtown Ames. Right then in that moment I felt foolish. To think I could escape the darkness in my life, to run from the depression, to think I could do it by myself. Yeah, because that worked out so well the first time.

 I walked home with my husband that night and thanked God.

 Thanked God for his grace and mercy. For allowing "do-overs" and for being able to forgive ourselves, even in our short-comings, for not hanging on to the things that weigh us down. Thanked God for always being there and walking alongside us, even when we don't acknowledge his presence in our life. Thanked God for a loving and gracious husband who sees past all the crap and darkness and loves me in spite of all of the craziness I bring to our marriage. Thanked God for friends and family who help to drag me up out of the pit everyday with kind words and encouragement and love. Thanked God that He's God, and I am not. That I can give all these things to Him and even in those places where I am weak and feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, He reminds me who I am every day.
  Thank God.