That one time I had a breakdown in the middle of Subway

Yes, the food chain, Subway. It was this past Sunday.

I'd had a long day at work with starting with an early morning alarm at 5 am. Taking care of residents all day with many needs, lets just say I was already drained.

 I got home. Jake gave me some news about someone in our church. It wasn't bad news, it was happy news, but for me it was the downhill spiral for the day. It had something to do with babies, and having them, and it wasn't me doing the having and that's all I needed to know.

To top it off I hadn't really spent any time with Jake the last couple days and I was missing him, I just wanted to spend time with him, but he was busy doing his own thing and I felt ignored and unwanted. Just being honest here.

I felt asleep on the couch and took a bitty nap hoping I'd feel better and be more chipper and much happier upon my awakening. Not the case. I feel more tired and worse and I didn't want to make supper but I was starvin' marvin and just wanted to eat. Right. Now! So we made the trek a few blocks downtown to the Subway like we have many times, but this time I complained and whined the whole way there. I was NOT in a good mood. Fabulous.

We got there I ordered, Jake ordered and I said I'd go get the drinks while Jake went and got us a table to sit. Now you must know, my husband never puts a lid on his drink when we go out to eat (at places that offer lids for drinks, don't judge, we all eat at those places). Moving on. So I debated whether or not to put a lid on and picked one up and then put it back, knowing he'd just make a comment on it when I brought his drink to the table if there was a lid present. So I filled the drinks and proceeded to turn and walk towards said table. There was a lady at the counter ordering all her toppings for her sandwich. She shifted back towards me, I swerved to try and not get hit, and bam. Down goes Jake's drink on the floor. Really?! I just joked with Jake trying to make light of the situation and said "Guess you don't get to drink today!" He countered with a joke that we have amongst the 2 of us, that usually makes me smile, with "I can't take you anywhere!" and he got up to go and get another drink, without a lid. There was no smiling involved this time.

 I. Lost. It. All of it. All the emotions and everything I'd been dealing with all day, maybe all week began to come to the surface. I just started crying and sobbing uncontrollably sitting next to the window of the Subway in downtown Ames. Fabulous. As if I didn't already feel stupid enough, now the tears were streaming down my face. I was literally crying into my food. I was a big snot-monster. It was really attractive let me tell you.

He came back to the table and said "honey, it's only a drink." But to me it wasn't just a drink. It was way more than that. It was my whole week at work, all the news that people were getting and I was not, the time not being spent with my husband, the nit-picking, the arguments, the whining and complaining and everything I had been dealing with. It was right there in that moment and it was rearing it's ugly head. I continued to cry in my food and wipe away tears (thank God for extra Subway napkins), and just stare out the window trying to ignore the people around me and hoping they weren't staring.

 I had been doing so well, (hence the lack of blogging on my part), but right then in that moment all that darkness came flooding back, reminding me that it was still there, that it had not left and that I still needed to deal with it. All my failures, my short-comings, the feeling that I couldn't do anything right ever. It all came to a head in that little Subway restaurant in downtown Ames. Right then in that moment I felt foolish. To think I could escape the darkness in my life, to run from the depression, to think I could do it by myself. Yeah, because that worked out so well the first time.

 I walked home with my husband that night and thanked God.

 Thanked God for his grace and mercy. For allowing "do-overs" and for being able to forgive ourselves, even in our short-comings, for not hanging on to the things that weigh us down. Thanked God for always being there and walking alongside us, even when we don't acknowledge his presence in our life. Thanked God for a loving and gracious husband who sees past all the crap and darkness and loves me in spite of all of the craziness I bring to our marriage. Thanked God for friends and family who help to drag me up out of the pit everyday with kind words and encouragement and love. Thanked God that He's God, and I am not. That I can give all these things to Him and even in those places where I am weak and feel like I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, He reminds me who I am every day.
  Thank God.