A Mothers Prayer

God, why?
Don’t worry about why
God, she needs a job
There will be one
God she needs a job now
In my time
God you have to be with her
I always am
God you have to protect their marriage, this is going to be tough on them
I will
God you have to keep her from doing anything stupid
I have it covered
God I just don’t understand
I know
God please heal her
I’m there for her
That’s not I’ll heal her
I know
OK God, I can’t do anything to make this OK
You don’t have to
Well, you’ll have to Help me trust you in this
I will
I love you
I love you too

Giving up control in this was another hard thing that God asked me to do and I knew I had to. The verse for the weekend came back to me ‘Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” I started praying that for Nikki and for me.

This is the prayer that my wonderful, amazing and God-fearing mother said for me when she found out I lost my job because of my sickness. And I know it must have been hard for her to pray some of these things, just because mostly like she said to me, she just doesn't understand what I am going through.

Later after she had prayed this prayer for me she began working on a talk she had to give at an adult retreat called Cursillo. She was searching a friends blog, and somehow came across mine, something she would later tell me was a "total God thing." She found this blog I had written.

This is what she wrote about that:

As I read through this blog on that morning I realized that Nikki had been writing this at almost exactly the same time I was sharing my heart with God about this exact situation. I couldn’t help but think about how faithful He is and how this fits exactly what perseverance is about.
Life isn’t easy…we go through storms……we get afraid and fall when we look only at the storm…an overcoming faith looks to Jesus. An overcoming faith rests in him.
All of the worries I had been carrying around on behalf of my daughter hadn’t helped her. They had caused me to focus on the storm and not the One who calms the storm. Here, in the middle of a life-challenging situation in the middle of a life-storm my daughter sought rest in the arms of Christ and was given the strength to persevere. In sharing that, she also spoke TRUTH into my life, reminding me once again, that perseverance isn’t something that we do on our own, it’s what He does in and through us.
God also reminded me through Nikki, that this journey isn’t one that we need to walk alone. She cried out to God, but she also cried out to her pastor, her family and her friends.


I love my mom. So much. I don't think I tell her that enough.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send my Savior right over....

As you know a month ago I lost my job, that I loved due to this illness that I suffer with every day of my life, the big D. Depression. This past month has been a huge series of ups and downs, although I am sad to say that it has been mostly downs. I can say too, that this month has brought me back to my childhood. Not necessarily in a good way, just in a way that has made me realize how bad everything is right now and I think, no, I am sure I have hit rock bottom.

Lets compare shall we, all the ways the my life has become(sort of) like my childhood.

1. Doing everything I can and making every excuse in the book to not take a shower or a bath. Seriously, it really is that bad, I have gone 1 whole week plus a couple days without taking a shower and all because I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't going anywhere anyway, nobody was going to see me, and therefore I didn't "feel the need" to waste water on myself. I feel sorry for Jake mostly, because he had to deal with me every week, and he's been really good about it so far, but I think there might come a time when he might lock me in the bathroom, until I become so bored the only thing left to do after organizing the medicine cabinet is to take a shower. It's gross I realize this, but I just don't feel like it.

2. Staying up late until all hours of the night, having a slumber party, only this one is all by myself. Seriously, I haven't been sleeping normally. Last week I went almost 24 hours without any sleep. The reason? I don't want to go to bed knowing that I have nothing to get up for in the morning, and I don't have anywhere to go, so why bother!? Sad, I know.

3. Sleeping in. I remember how I cherished sleeping in on Saturday mornings during my junior high through college years. Seriously, if you ask my husband even now he would say there is no chance of waking me, I sleep like "the dead" and I often wake up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in, which is on my left side, snuggling with my body pillow. But seriously, along with the staying up until 5 in the morning everyday has come sleeping all day. Sometimes until 4 in the afternoon, just because then I won't have to think about not having to be anywhere or go anywhere, and then I have every excuse for why I didn't get the "chores" done.

4. Speaking of Chores. I would do everything, anything to get out of doing these as a child, and to tell you the truth I still do, to a point. My problem is that I like to put off doing things like washing the dishes or doing laundry until I have no dishes left, and the only thing I have left to wear is the "I love Shih'Tzus'" T-shirt and a pair of leggings, that I haven't worn in over 5 years. No. Lie. But really, now, it is out of control. I did dishes (by hand, because that's what you do when you have no dishwasher), for 2 hours the other day, and all because I don't "feel" like doing them, despite the fact that I am home all day. The laundry, nope not a chance that those clothes are getting washed, because the basement, it's just creep-tastic, and heaven forbid that I actually get out of my PJ's and get dressed like a normal person, and GO.OUT.SIDE. Gasp! People might see me, and the sun (when it's been out lately) is really bright! Who knew right?! These are all the excuses I make and have been making lately as to not do any of these household chores.

This has been my life the last month. I know it's sad. But it's reality for me. These are the things that I deal with, that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard to explain exactly why I do all these things, even I can't explain it, it defies a logic that even I cannot begin to understand. But, as sad as this life situation might be right now I know that my God, my Savior is holding me in the palm of his hand.

There are people everywhere praying for me and Jake, and things are getting better. Slowly. With time. I could say I expect a miracle, that I will be healed and this will all go away and I won't be "sick" or "crazy" anymore and I won't cry for no reason; and although I do believe in miracles I know that this is something I will inevitably deal with for the rest of my life.

I also know that even though I will have this "disease" for the rest of my life, that there are ways to control it, with medicine and doctors and therapy, and I am looking into all those things and combinations of those things to help me live a more normal and productive life.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have this disease and I am not ashamed to say that despite this disease I am a child of God, he loves me in spite of this and helps to carry me through all this. When he calls out "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nikki right over!" Instead of letting me run through his arms He catches me and I run INTO his arms and he holds me there and lets me know how much he loves me, and how he will never let me go.