The Hardest Summer

 

(Trigger warning, this may be difficult for you to read if you’ve experienced the loss of a child or baby).

 

When you think of Summer you think of warm weather and sunshine, being carefree, camping, S’mores, catching fireflies in mason jars, BBQ’s, picnics and fishing at the lake. Summer is a joyful season filled with holidays that bring people together, fireworks and baseball, concerts in the park down the street on a warm evening. That’s what Summer should be.

Those things are exactly what I was hoping Summer 2014 was going to be filled with, and it was, but there was something else about this Summer that spun my little world around.

Summer 2014 was the hardest season of my life, and while nearly everyone around me just wanted Summer to just go on and on, I couldn’t wait for it to end.

 As many of you know, Jake and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now. Struggling with the reality of infertility and not being able to get pregnant, along with the toll it was beginning to take on our marriage, we decided in April that it was time to take a break from all the “trying” to have a baby. So we stopped trying, and while everyone around us was telling us about how we should “just relax and it will happen,” we had done this very thing more than just this time, and it didn’t happen, it really was a very trying time for both of us, it made us into people we didn’t like and we needed to just “be” and find a part of that couple that we were before we began this journey.

 May 19^th was just like any other day, and then, the 2 lines showed up on the pregnancy test. I felt like I was in a dream. It all seemed so surreal and strange. Every month for the last 18 months I had done the same routine and taken a pregnancy test because I was sure “this month would be the month,” and it never was, but now it was happening. I didn’t really know how to feel, to say I was excited would be an understatement. There were happy tears and lots of “Thank-you God for this miracle” prayers that went up, and the realization that I was going to finally be a mom, Jake was finally going to be a dad, and this is what we, and everyone around us had been praying for. The realization that God does answer prayers, that He does hear us, and that His timing is so much greater than anything we could ever imagine.

 

Before any of this had happened, I had bought a set of onesies from Target as a hopeful reminder that someday it would happen, we would have that baby we had wanted and prayed for, for so long and had hung them in the back of my closet. So I set the onesies out, laid the (clean and dry) pregnancy test on them and called Jake. It just so happened he was working in town that day, which I did not know, and I called him and asked him if he could stop home when he had a chance, and he said he’d stop by around 1:00pm. I was so excited and nervous to tell him we were going be parents! I heard him come in the front door and walk up the stairs to our place and he came in the door, looked over to the onesies and the test laying on the couch and just said “you’re pregnant?!” I shook my head and said “yes” and we hugged and cried together for a bit, he’d step back and then look at me and then we hugged again and again. He kept saying “I have to go back to work” and then he’d give me another hug and it went this way for a few minutes. It was lovely and beautiful and something I’ll never forget. I just told him “I couldn’t go all day without you knowing!” He left and went back to work and unbeknownst to me at the time told everyone he talked to on the phone that day about our great news.

I floated around with my head in the clouds for the rest of the day. It was the greatest, most happy day of my life.

The next week was great. I started talking to the baby, even though I knew that it couldn’t hear me, but it felt right. Jake would rub my belly when he’d walk by me and we’d smile and talk about names, everything was such a dream. We just couldn’t believe that after so long we were going to finally be parents, and we were so very excited and so much in love with this little person already.

Everything changed 2 weeks later. I won’t go into great detail, but I started spotting and I just knew something was wrong. I went to go and have an ultrasound done and they told me they really didn’t even want to do one because of the spotting, but I insisted.

Being able to see our baby on the screen was such a lovely, surreal and relieving thing, and I am so grateful for that. But there was something wrong. Baby was measuring 1 and ½ weeks behind. They reassured me and told me that there are so many factors that are involved in a pregnancy that it was common for that to be the case at the first ultrasound. The ultrasound tech told me “unless you know exactly when you ovulated, you’d have no idea exactly how far along you were.” But I did know, and I knew all the other details about my cycle, in my heart I knew there was something wrong. I was hopeful, I knew God was in control of it all, but so worried and scared at the same time.

They scheduled another appointment for me to come back in the following week.

The next week dragged by.

The spotting continued and I was really starting to worry, even though everyone I talked to about it said it was completely normal and that it happens to so many women in the beginning of pregnancy and everything would turn out all right, but I felt like I already knew it wouldn’t be. This time in my life when I should have been so excited and joyful and getting ready for a baby to arrive was spent crying and praying and there were way too many sleepless nights of crying out to God and just thinking about everything going on.

A couple days before the next ultrasound all of my pregnancy symptoms that I had been having just disappeared. The nausea that had been there in full force was gone, I no longer felt sick to my stomach all day, and everything just felt different. I can’t explain it other than to say that I think women really do just know when things are wrong, it was my body and it just felt off.

I went into the ultrasound on the 18^th of June. I was hopeful, but had already prepared myself for any news they had to give. Jake wasn’t able to get off of work that morning because they were swamped, and so I went alone. I great friend had offered to come in his place but I felt like somehow everything would be fine and I wanted to be by myself, no matter what the news was. This time they did 2 ultrasounds. I waited and held my breath while the ultrasound tech clicked on all the little measurements and made her notes, and from the look on her face I could tell something was wrong. She finished the ultrasound and told me she’d be back and to have a seat on the couch in the ultrasound room.

That’s never good.

She came back in, told me the sac had not grown and there was no fetal pole, and no heartbeat from what she could see and with as far along as I thought I was ( I knew I was) there should be a heartbeat and we should be able to see all of those things by now. I didn’t know what to say. I had no words. I knew it was a possibility, but I thought she must have been wrong, obviously she didn’t know what she was talking about. Then she offered to pray for me and asked if that would be okay? I told her yes and so she did. It was lovely and kind and I felt a brief moment of peace. She then scheduled me to go and have my blood drawn to check my Hcg levels because the ultrasound “can’t show everything”, and so off I went, feeling numb, and I had to drive myself, not a good combination. I don’t know how I made it all the way across town.

I got to the Women’s Clinic and walked into a waiting room filled with pregnant women. It was like a slap in the face. I had to sit in that waiting room and try not to cry. I was thinking that should be me, I should be just like that, and be just as happy, but I wasn’t anymore. I had some kind friends, part of a group of women that I’ve become so close to who are/were all on the same journey I was of trying to have a baby; that texted me as I was waiting, they were anticipating news and I’d hoped to have good news, and I told them it wasn’t, but I was getting blood drawn and they kept me calm. It was like they were right there holding my hand. I love these women so much, and we’ve never even met. It’s amazing the people God puts in your life for these very moments.

I got called back to the lab area and I walked in the lady looked at my chart and said “January baby, huh?!” I just nodded and smiled and said “Yup.” It was everything I could do to not cry. She took a few vials of blood and told me the doctor would call me the next day. More waiting. Great.

After I got home I had to text Jake and let him know what was going on, I couldn’t say the words out loud so I didn’t call him. I didn’t want to since he had to be at work for the rest of the day, but I felt like he had to know. Then I went in my bedroom, laid on my bed, and cried. Crying turned into sobbing, and screaming and yelling. Yelling at God for His broken promises, about why He would give us this baby only to take it away from us so soon, and how I didn’t know what He was trying to teach me through all of this but it was a really shitty way to do it. Yes I said it, and other things that I will not repeat here. I was pissed. I felt lost. I felt alone. I’ve felt far away from God before, but this time, it felt like it was even farther. I just didn’t understand how a God who says he loves me and wants to give me the desires of my heart would take away the very thing that so many people have prayed for, for so long. Why would He take away a baby that was so wanted, and so, so loved already?

I never knew I could love someone so deeply who I had never even met. It was the greatest heartache I’ve ever experienced.

Jake came home that night and in the quiet of our bedroom he walked in and I was bent over on the bed on my hands and knees sobbing. He just hugged me and held me and told me that everything would be okay, that he loved me, and he was pissed off about all of it too, but that whatever happened we would be okay. Then we just laid next to each other on the bed and I snuggled up next to him and just cried, and we talked, and cried for almost 2 hours until I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore and then we ate supper.

The doctor called the next day with my blood test results. My Hcg levels were 7500. He said that was good, that it didn’t necessarily mean anything since we didn’t have any previous numbers to go by, but the numbers were good, but that I’d have to come in on Friday to get my blood drawn again to see if there was a change. I was hopeful, I called Jake and told him. I told my friends and family. Everyone was still praying and trusting for a miracle that somehow God would take this and make everything perfect.

 I was hoping and trusting for a miracle too.

 

That miracle never came. That night I started bleeding, and I just knew that was it. The baby was gone. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Jake.

Friday morning, June 20^th Jake left for work. I woke up in severe pain and went to the bathroom, still bleeding. I went back to bed hoping to get some rest. It was then in my tossing and turning that I felt the worst physical pain I’d ever felt, it lasted for what seemed like an eternity. I got up to go to the bathroom hoping I was wrong, but I wasn’t. It really was over. At least the physical pain was over.

I didn’t know what to do. I called a friend. I had to go and get my blood drawn which almost seemed comical at this point, but I went anyway. I had a bruise on my arm from the time before so the lab tech took it out of the other arm. She said the doctor would call me that day. He didn’t, he wouldn’t call until Monday morning to tell me what I already knew, but it didn’t matter.

I was mad. I was angry. I wanted to cry, but had cried so much the past 2 days that I couldn’t even do it. The heartache was there, but I just felt lost. I put it out there on Facebook, and so many women, so many, reached out to me with their stories of loss and it helped me to not feel so alone anymore. It still hurt, that pain was still there, but I knew I was not alone. I was part of a group of women, part of a club that I’d never wanted to be in, and my heart ached for me and Jake and for the baby we would never get to meet, and for all the couples and women that go through this every day. My heart just hurt so much.

My heart ached for the hopes and dreams that died that day, the plans we had already been making in preparing to have a baby, the love we had for the baby, also for the future that wasn’t going to be, and for the realization that everything I’d wanted was gone in a breath.

 

I don’t know why but I felt like it was a girl. So we named her “Grace.”

Sometimes in my dreams I think I see her face, and she is so perfect and whole and beautiful. I feel like this is God’s way of telling me she is alright.

 

We are still waiting expectantly and believing that God is who He said, and that He does keep His promises, and that He has something so much greater planned for us then we could ever have imagined. He is Faithful. He is Love. He is Truth. He has everything in His hands. His timing, not ours.

I don’t know why we’ve been chosen to walk this road. Does it still hurt? All the time. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. Some days the best thing I can do for myself is just to get out of bed for the day and that is good enough. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t wreck me when I think about what was lost. The tears do come and the pain is overwhelming. I would be lying if said that when my due date comes and goes in January that it won’t bring tears and that my heart won’t hurt, because it will. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard to see women who are pregnant and announcements on Facebook, and wishing it was me, and that it was us making that announcement too, because I do.

I will always wonder who this baby would have been.

I don’t understand it, and I know it’s not for me or anyone to understand, but we are still trusting God and it is our prayer that He will take the ashes of our brokenness and make them beautiful. And even though we won’t get to hold our baby here on earth, and the pain of that is so great, I do know that I can’t wait to get to Heaven someday and meet our baby face to face.

So yes, this has been the hardest Summer of my life, and I am ready for what’s next. 

I am ready for new beginnings.

Ready for new seasons.

Ready for what God has in store for us.

 

 

 

Time Flies...

1 and 1/2 years.
18 months.
78.26 weeks.
589 days.
13,149 hours.
788,940 minutes.
47,336,400 seconds.

That's how long we've been trying to have a baby.
How long we've been waiting to have a baby.
How long we've been praying for a baby.

I remember when we decided it was finally "time" to have a baby, and I laugh at that now, like it was just going to happen because we decided, and it was actually up to us somehow.

I remember how happy I was. How happy we were.

I remember how hopeful I was, how I just knew it was going to happen and 9 months after we decided that we were going to try we'd have that baby in our arms, and it would be how it was supposed to be, because that's just the way it worked.

I remember talking about what we would name the baby when it was born and about what we would call the baby until the day it was born. Jake said if anyone asked we'd just tell them it was "Bob" (Baby Of Bodens), and since we were not planning on finding out the sex of the baby until it was born how that would be hilarious and funny and we'd joke and laugh about it.

I remember having dreams about the baby, about how life would be once the baby came and we'd be a family. We'd plan outings and make memories and take lots and lots of photos, I always said this baby would have no shortage of photos of it because I have a camera permanently attached to my hand at all times. Jake was relieved, because he was ready for me to practice on someone else besides him.

I remember how a few months passed and still no baby. I wasn't worried because I knew it was normal for it to take that long to get pregnant, and I just knew it would happen eventually.

I remember how 1 year passed and I still wasn't pregnant. That was a sad day for me. 1 year of trying to have a baby and still no baby. Meanwhile everywhere I looked friends, family, people I didn't even know were pregnant and having babies. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was a pregnant lady, couples out walking together and pushing strollers. Everyone was having babies, but we were still waiting, the hope was beginning to fade.

I remember announcement after announcement on Facebook and wondering when it was finally going to be my turn to make that announcement. Jake reassured me and said "I would have my turn soon." Always reassuring me. I remember how I longed for it to be "my turn" and month after month the stick would show one line no matter how much I hoped and prayed for that second line to appear, and I would cry and yell and cry some more, and mourn the baby that never was. Jake would let me cry and he would hold me and try to understand, and we'd try to understand together, but it would never make any sense, we never understood "why them, and not us", because when you want something like that so much and that's a huge desire of your heart, it doesn't make sense, and you don't understand, because there is no understanding in that broken place.

I remember holidays. Ugh, holidays. How well meaning people would ask "when?" and I would hold back the tears and have nothing eloquent or lovely to say and what I really wanted to say I couldn't say out loud because they just wouldn't understand and it would be awkward and I would cry and I didn't want to cry about it anymore, and having to sit through it all and not really feeling like anybody understood why I felt the way I did.

I remember walking away when people were walking towards me to talk to me because I didn't even want to chance the possibility that they would ask me questions about it all and I would break down and they wouldn't know what to do.

I remember feeling broken, less-than, like a failure, this shouldn't be this hard! "Maybe we're not supposed to have a baby...," "We don't deserve a baby." "Maybe if we hadn't of done (fill in the blank) or we did (fill in the blank) better......if we prayed more, or trusted God more, or cried less, or didn't want it so much, or just relaxed....maybe then I would get pregnant."

I remember becoming bitter, resentful, hateful, ugly and just plain angry about trying to have a baby. Jake and I were fighting more and more, and I was crying all the time. Marriage became even harder, because it's not hard enough some days, right? We started ignoring each other and spending less time doing things together, we would get mad at each other, and not even remember why, or what we were fighting about. We were having conversations that I never thought we'd ever have to have about "what's next?" "what do we do if we can't have a baby" and I would cry some more.

I remember thinking "this isn't how it's supposed to be." But it was and we didn't know how to change it, or what to do next, or differently.

I remember falling on my face and praying, crying out to God and screaming and yelling at Him and just thinking that He must not be listening to all the prayers going up on our behalf, because if He was we'd have that baby. I specifically remember reminding God that I was not a patient person and so if He was trying to teach me a lesson in waiting and patience that I had gotten the point, and He could send that baby our way any time now. I told him how tired and worn I was, how my heart hurt so much that I felt like it would explode from the pain, from the not understanding why.

I remember just last week I threw my hands up in the air and told Jake and I told God that I was giving up. I quit. I don't want this baby that I've been wanting for so long anymore. I told Him that it hurt too much and that I didn't want to hurt that much anymore and that it wasn't worth it. I told him that He could just keep giving all those babies to all the people who didn't love them that have been all over the news lately for hurting and killing their own children because obviously I wasn't crazy enough for Him to give me a baby, so He should just keep on doing what He's doing.

I'm sure He appreciated that.

I'm sure He heard me.

I am sure He still has His own plan.

I am sure that He knows what's best for my life.

I am sure that He's already been where I am going and He knows how the story ends.

I am sure that I don't understand it at all......and that's probably okay.

I am sure He still loves me.

I am sure that I say all of those things everyday, that I have to remind myself of those things daily even if the words seem hollow, because if I don't, I might not make it through the day without breaking down.

1 and 1/2 years.
18 months.
78.26 weeks.
589 days.
13,149 hours.
788,940 minutes.
47,336,400 seconds.

And counting............

Brokenness

I don't like it.

I don't like feeling broken.

It cuts deep to a place that I thought was long gone.

It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel gross and full of loathing and fear.

I don't like it. This brokenness in my life is making me feel like a failure at something I didn't even know I could be "bad" at.

How can you fail at something that you want so much, that you long for?

How can you fail at something that you've prayed so fervently for and cried out before God?

Today I am angry.

Angry because I feel broken.

Angry because I feel like a failure.

Angry because I feel like God isn't listening, like he doesn't hear me.

God do you hear me?! 

What are you trying to teach me?! I don't understand!

You know if you just let me have what I want my way that I wouldn't have to yell and be angry and frustrated!

And most of all I wouldn't feel broken.

I don't understand.

Today I am also thankful.

Thankful for a God who gives me mercy and grace when I have a temper tantrum and yell and scream and kick, trying to get my own way.

Thankful that he knows best.

Thankful that I won't be left in this place, that I can be restored.

Thankful that my heart will heal and I will continue to keep going because I need to.

Thankful that there is something that I can't even imagine or fathom that is going to come from all this brokenness.

Today I am praying for beauty in the brokenness.

Beauty from the ashes. 
That I would see it.
That I would receive it.

wildolivetees.com

Isaiah 61:3 The Voice (VOICE) 3 As for those who grieve over Zion, God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, To anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness. People will call them magnificent, like great towering trees standing for what is right. They stand to the glory of the Eternal who planted them.

Be Still My Soul

This is my prayer today.

That I am so still that I will be able to hear that still, small voice.

That in the stillness I will hear answers to prayers being prayed.

That I will be able to rest in the stillness, to just be.

To be present, to be fully aware.

Filled with joy.

So full of joy.

To be so thankful and grateful for all the blessings in my life.

That this stillness will just let me live and breathe in all of these blessings, the big and so encompassing and the so very little.

That I may appreciate this life that has been given, so much more than I have been.

To not take for granted these moments, because they are passing me by all too quickly.

That I will live fully in His promises and reside and rest in the peace and stillness only He can give.

Amen.

(Music/Song by Kari Jobe)

The Sound of Silence

Silence. 

It can be so quiet and yet so loud all at the same time. 

There has been a lot of silence, here on this page, in this blog, and also in my life.

I have not felt the need or the desire to post here because honestly, I had nothing to write. The words wouldn't come no matter how much I tried.

I have been in listening mode. Waiting for answers. Listening. Being still. Praying. Thinking. Hoping. Dreaming. Listening some more.

I have felt the silence so loudly that it hurts. Deep into my innermost being, it is truly painful at times and overwhelming to the point where I don't want the silence, I long for noise and loud and things that fill my head and my days so that I don't have to be in the silence, in the still place anymore.

It is too quiet and I have felt so alone, on my face and crying out for the silence to end, for doors to open, for where He is leading me.

But still I am waiting. Listening for that still small voice.

For answers to "what's next" and for when, and why and how?

I know He hears me when I call to him. He has been keeping track of all my tears. He longs to fulfill the desires of my heart.

I know all of these things, so I pray and talk to Him and tell him everything that is going on my life, just like best friends do. Still, there are no answers. I do not hear Him.

That loud silence creeps in.

I am waiting. I am longing. I am hopeful.

Even in the silence I know He is there. I know He does not leave or forsake me. I know how much He loves me.

So I sit in the stillness, in the silent place. Listening. Waiting for Him to speak into my heart, into my life. Longing for Him, for His voice.

I know He is trying to teach me something, even through the silence, and I want to learn and to know what that is so desperately.

So I will wait. I will listen. I will pray. I will sing. I will rejoice, even in the silence.

 Because I know He is working something in my life that I cannot even begin to imagine or fathom.

Crying Out

I was just minding my own business really. Sitting on my couch, watching the news, drinking my coffee, and tears came to my eyes. Why am I crying? I thought to myself. This is dumb, so dumb. Why now?

All these words started to fill my head, were on my heart, and so I just started praying, talking really, to Him. I had been feeling less than, less than everything that He created me to be, and I just started talking. I can honestly say it had been far to long since the last time I really talked to God, really opened up my mind and my heart and just let Him in and those moments drinking my morning coffee, God was prodding in my heart, I am sure he had been for some time trying to get my attention, again, because how quickly I just seem to "fall away" when life gets busy and I forget to take it to him. I have been keeping it all inside, and not letting go, and it was eating away at me.

With tears streaming down my face I started talking.

I started talking about my marriage, I prayed for Jake and his schooling, for Jake to be able to continue to do what he's doing and to be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done, with a clear mind and understanding of everything that is placed in front of him.

I prayed for God to continue to walk with us through our marriage, in this season, because it wasn't going to be easy, but to just be the God who I know he is and has been in both our lives and in our marriage.

I prayed for patience for me, in waiting for things that I want so badly now but know that it is all in His time, in His plan. He already knows.

I prayed for family and friends hurting, and how much I so want to be able to do more and help more but how much I know that He is there too, going before them and already doing so much in and through their lives.

I prayed for our little church, searching for a pastor, waiting on a pastor whom we have called, and for peace and understanding in whatever decision is made. For us as a body to know that God is there in all the details and He has already prepared someone for our little church to come and lead us. He has gone before us and knows who that person is, and that I just trust him to bring the right person to us, in His time.

I prayed for strength, for peace in my unsettled heart, in those anxiety ridden places, I prayed for peace. I asked God to continue to work in my heart and my life and use me, for His purpose in the place he has called me to be, right now.

I thanked God for all he has done in and through my life, taking me out of the darkness and into the light, and how he has saved me over and over again, day in and day out and continues to do so. I thanked him for all the blessings, for all the ways Jake and I have been blessed, and that we are so amazed and ever grateful for all the blessings He sends our way, even though we know we do not deserve any of them.

I prayed to get through this day, To accomplish what I needed to get done, and that He would continue to guide me, to guide us, through every step along the way. Amen.

Amen indeed. It was amazing to have that talk with God. I need to do it more and more, and make it a part of my day, everyday; and know that I can take anything to him. The good, the bad, whatever. He loves me anyway.

Conversations with God

Today, well lately I have been feeling really down. Down and out. I am really trying to not be in one of those things where I am feeling "sorry for myself" but I am having a really hard time with that lately. It seems things here are getting harder by the day. Jake and I really don't spend time together lately where we're not talking about money and finances, school, jobs, how we're going to afford to get groceries this week, amongst a list of things that seem to be building up around us.

These things usually end up with us having an argument about something, and I hate that.

I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be able to spend the time with him and just be together, not worrying, not wondering why? or how? or when? I just want to be able to be in those moments with him, those moments that I SO cherish, because I know this time, in our lives is not forever. I have to keep reminding myself that we are in a season in our lives that is not easy, that things are not coming easy for us, but that we are always and constantly being provided for, by the Grace of God we are getting through.

I know people are praying for us, thinking of us and helping us out in all sorts of ways that none of the CRAP should matter. But it does. It weighs heavy on my heart, and it is really hard for me to just let it be, just let it go and let God have control over it. I think it's because I am constantly trying to tell God what I want, and not letting him just do His thing, when He is OBVIOUSLY very capable thankyouverymuch.

Some "Conversations" I've had with God lately:

Conversation #1:

Me: But everyone is having babies, why can't I have one too! I just want to be a momma to someone and it's not fair! Why are you breaking my heart this way?! I want this so much, why aren't you helping me out here, I mean throw me a bone or something!

God: Yeah, I got this. In my time.

Me: No, you obviously don't get it! Breaking. MY. Heart.

God: I HOLD your heart. In my time.

Conversation #2:

Me: Why can't you just give us the money we need so we don't have to worry about where our next meal/rent/gasinthecar/electric bill/etc. is going to come from?!

God: I always provide.

Me: But, no really, seriously, why can't you just show me the money!?? I am so anxious and stressed out here, don't you see this isn't good for my health?

God: I always provide. Do not worry, I got this (aka: I am in control).

Obviously those conversations with God didn't work out the way I had in mind, but I knew He was right. About everything.

I can tell God what I want and need and want (yes I realize I said that one twice), until I am blue in the face, but I always come back down to earth and back to reality and realize that it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what God wants for me and Jake, and He knows what's best for us, even when we think we know better. We just need to have the patience (He knows I have problems with this one), and let Him have the upper hand, to have the control over our hearts and minds, and well, our LIVES.

This is a hard one for me because if you know me at all, you know I am STUBBORN with a capital "S". I want what I want and I have been known to whine and beg and plead. Let me tell you, that hasn't worked out so well with God. I know He knows what's best for me and Jake and I know it's in HIS time, not OUR time. I am learning patience. I am growing through GRACE. We are giving it ALL (time, money, circumstances, tears, laughter, love, the list could go on), to GOD.

This is our prayer:


Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

-Josh Wilson

Fresh Start, the Year of Grace

Hello everybody and welcome to the New Year!

I know I am a little late in saying that, but things around here have been busy, well, I guess it's felt that way, I don't know if I really am, maybe more like "putting things off." I have a great habit of doing that. ::insert sarcasm here:: So anyway, here I am off and Running, walking, tripping, no, more like schlumping into the new year.

Fabulous. Not really how I was hoping to start the "grand kickoff" to my weight loss, amongst other goals I have set for myself this year. (No New Year's resolutions for me, I have changed my mindset), and instead have decided upon goals, I make resolutions every year, usually the same ones and they never come to be, let alone even started. This year my goals are these ( In no particular order, because they are all important to me):

1. Lose weight, get healthier so I can go in to my (gasp!) 30th year of life with more energy and focus and more loving me!

2. Become more organized. Trust me I have the best intentions when it comes to this, but somehow it always veers off course.

3. Keep the apartment "tidy." This by no means means spotless. It is nice when that happens, but right now I am to the point where I have to stop kicking myself when it doesn't look "perfect" whatever that means. To me as long as I can pick up after myself and keep the dishes out of the sink and the laundry from piling up half way up the wall, I will call that a success and keep going from there.

4. Look for a second job, or a full time job. I love my job at the Pier, but I need more hours, so I am just praying for another fitting part time job, or a full time job doing something that I love!

5. Sell my photographs. I have an account all set up, I think it's just a fear of failure or lack of people "loving" what I do that makes me scared to do it, but I am going to face that fear, put myself out there and just roll with it!

6. I want to learn how to knit. I want to make scarves, and socks and cute little baby things, and NO that is NOT a hint about anything. Trust me. Not happening. Yet.

7. Make more time for my husband. I am going to be praying for him every day.

8. Take my medication every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to take it because I am "better" but trust me, I need to take it. I am not better. I make excuses and I have been having headaches lately because I need to go for a Med Check at the Mental Health Clinic in order to renew my meds and I have been putting it off. Laziness really, no other excuses, and the fact that I think I am okay. Yeah, right. So I have to take care of that, and then go from there.

I love fresh starts, the chance to start anew and begin again, it's a GRACE in my life I cannot do without. I have to accept the GRACE, and keep moving forward. I think that is one of the biggest challenges in my life. Not beating myself up when something doesn't go MY way. I am still learning that lesson, to let go and let God, to accept his GRACE even when I feel like I am a loser and have let Him down, again. Big surprise, what's new right?

I think that might even be the most "important" goal on my list. To really let God in, allow him to move me and show me what He wants for me, for Jake for US in our lives. We are searching, we are listening, we are striving now we just have to give God that space, to accept His forgiveness, the fullness of Him and his Grace, and let Him lead us where He wants us to be. Whether that is reaching our goals we have set for ourselves, facing new challenges or just being present in every moment, of every day.

We know God is guiding us, we just have to give up the stubborn beings we are and let Him do it! I have a habit of thinking I know "better" than God what I need in my life and so I tell Him how it's going to be! Yeah, that doesn't work so well, it has NOT been working so well. This year is the time I allow it to be up to God. To Take my life and let it be, for Him!

So, here's to fresh starts, new beginnings, a Genesis, accepting Grace and letting God take over.

Prayers for the broken

Dear Lord,

My heart is hurting, hurting for so many reasons, and you know why, you know all things and that helps to ease my heart and mind and give me peace, knowing that you are all knowing.

God I just fall on my knees before you, I give up, I give it all to you. I can't do this alone, and I know you always promised you'd be there God, that you'd never give me a burden so heavy and lonesome that I would carry it all by myself. You knew I would never be able to carry these heavy weights on my own and so you come alongside me and send people here on earth to walk down the dark paths with me, as your lanterns in my life. Thank you God for all those people.

Thank you God for you hand holding steady on my heart and and in my life. You are my one constant, in you I hope, believe, and endure all things because I know that you will never leave me or forsake me.

Thank you God for the times in my life when I felt most alone and afraid, because in those moments you showed yourself to me in awesome and wonderful ways and helped remind me that even when I don't feel you there, you are there, in the darkest moments of my life you shone forth your light into my life, I will always be amazed and in awe and praise you for that moment, for all those moments in my life, Thank you God.

God the future is uncertain, there are so many things that I think about, worry about, wanting so much more than I already have. God I ask that you calm my mind, my fears for things seen now and things yet to come. Give my heart peace and rest that I know I can only find in you, in your presence God. Take the worries from me, I give them all to you and lay them at your feet, knowing you are the one who can take them away and I never have to worry again, but you know I will God, and I just ask for forgiveness in those times when I worry and struggle, I pray that you will show that to me so that I will give everything over to you. God I want more, I am selfish and I know that you have already given me so much in this life. Help me to be more thankful and not take for granted all that you have given me, open my eyes, my mind and heart when I find myself in the depths of this.

God I thank you for my marriage, for my husband, who you so obviously put here on earth for me to meet. I praise you for knowing just what I needed in a man, in a partner that I prayed for and you brought him into my life in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty, you always knew what was best for me. God teach me to let go of control of my life and my marriage to you, for you are the only one strong enough to carry and sustain it through all things. I praise you for bringing Jake and I through one of the darkest points in our marriage. Even in the pit of depression and anxiety, you were working in our marriage, in our lives and I see that now, please forgive me when I did not see it sooner.
God we would have never made it through those days without you, and I don't know why we tried. I am so amazed by the grace and mercy you've shown to us and continue to show to us through everything. You are amazing God! You continue to fill our lives with blessings. Blessings in the form of people, places, and so many things too numerous to name. Thank you God for being a God who gives, as well as a God who takes away, for in all those things we can see your hand guiding us as we walk the road you've laid out before us.

God I just pray that you will mend broken hearts, bring peace where there needs peace and understanding too. Please protect the hearts and lives of the people around me, I lift them all to you. You know all their thoughts, and unspoken words. You know all their hearts and brokenness in and through their lives right now God. You know their praises and songs to you, you know every meaning of every tear cried, you know them God. You know what they need more than I do. I know your heart hurts when they hurt and all I ask is for you to surround them with your grace, mercy and love. The love that only comes from you Lord God.

I love you so much God, Holder of my heart.

Amen

A Mothers Prayer

God, why?
Don’t worry about why
God, she needs a job
There will be one
God she needs a job now
In my time
God you have to be with her
I always am
God you have to protect their marriage, this is going to be tough on them
I will
God you have to keep her from doing anything stupid
I have it covered
God I just don’t understand
I know
God please heal her
I’m there for her
That’s not I’ll heal her
I know
OK God, I can’t do anything to make this OK
You don’t have to
Well, you’ll have to Help me trust you in this
I will
I love you
I love you too

Giving up control in this was another hard thing that God asked me to do and I knew I had to. The verse for the weekend came back to me ‘Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” I started praying that for Nikki and for me.

This is the prayer that my wonderful, amazing and God-fearing mother said for me when she found out I lost my job because of my sickness. And I know it must have been hard for her to pray some of these things, just because mostly like she said to me, she just doesn't understand what I am going through.

Later after she had prayed this prayer for me she began working on a talk she had to give at an adult retreat called Cursillo. She was searching a friends blog, and somehow came across mine, something she would later tell me was a "total God thing." She found this blog I had written.

This is what she wrote about that:

As I read through this blog on that morning I realized that Nikki had been writing this at almost exactly the same time I was sharing my heart with God about this exact situation. I couldn’t help but think about how faithful He is and how this fits exactly what perseverance is about.
Life isn’t easy…we go through storms……we get afraid and fall when we look only at the storm…an overcoming faith looks to Jesus. An overcoming faith rests in him.
All of the worries I had been carrying around on behalf of my daughter hadn’t helped her. They had caused me to focus on the storm and not the One who calms the storm. Here, in the middle of a life-challenging situation in the middle of a life-storm my daughter sought rest in the arms of Christ and was given the strength to persevere. In sharing that, she also spoke TRUTH into my life, reminding me once again, that perseverance isn’t something that we do on our own, it’s what He does in and through us.
God also reminded me through Nikki, that this journey isn’t one that we need to walk alone. She cried out to God, but she also cried out to her pastor, her family and her friends.


I love my mom. So much. I don't think I tell her that enough.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send my Savior right over....

As you know a month ago I lost my job, that I loved due to this illness that I suffer with every day of my life, the big D. Depression. This past month has been a huge series of ups and downs, although I am sad to say that it has been mostly downs. I can say too, that this month has brought me back to my childhood. Not necessarily in a good way, just in a way that has made me realize how bad everything is right now and I think, no, I am sure I have hit rock bottom.

Lets compare shall we, all the ways the my life has become(sort of) like my childhood.

1. Doing everything I can and making every excuse in the book to not take a shower or a bath. Seriously, it really is that bad, I have gone 1 whole week plus a couple days without taking a shower and all because I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't going anywhere anyway, nobody was going to see me, and therefore I didn't "feel the need" to waste water on myself. I feel sorry for Jake mostly, because he had to deal with me every week, and he's been really good about it so far, but I think there might come a time when he might lock me in the bathroom, until I become so bored the only thing left to do after organizing the medicine cabinet is to take a shower. It's gross I realize this, but I just don't feel like it.

2. Staying up late until all hours of the night, having a slumber party, only this one is all by myself. Seriously, I haven't been sleeping normally. Last week I went almost 24 hours without any sleep. The reason? I don't want to go to bed knowing that I have nothing to get up for in the morning, and I don't have anywhere to go, so why bother!? Sad, I know.

3. Sleeping in. I remember how I cherished sleeping in on Saturday mornings during my junior high through college years. Seriously, if you ask my husband even now he would say there is no chance of waking me, I sleep like "the dead" and I often wake up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in, which is on my left side, snuggling with my body pillow. But seriously, along with the staying up until 5 in the morning everyday has come sleeping all day. Sometimes until 4 in the afternoon, just because then I won't have to think about not having to be anywhere or go anywhere, and then I have every excuse for why I didn't get the "chores" done.

4. Speaking of Chores. I would do everything, anything to get out of doing these as a child, and to tell you the truth I still do, to a point. My problem is that I like to put off doing things like washing the dishes or doing laundry until I have no dishes left, and the only thing I have left to wear is the "I love Shih'Tzus'" T-shirt and a pair of leggings, that I haven't worn in over 5 years. No. Lie. But really, now, it is out of control. I did dishes (by hand, because that's what you do when you have no dishwasher), for 2 hours the other day, and all because I don't "feel" like doing them, despite the fact that I am home all day. The laundry, nope not a chance that those clothes are getting washed, because the basement, it's just creep-tastic, and heaven forbid that I actually get out of my PJ's and get dressed like a normal person, and GO.OUT.SIDE. Gasp! People might see me, and the sun (when it's been out lately) is really bright! Who knew right?! These are all the excuses I make and have been making lately as to not do any of these household chores.

This has been my life the last month. I know it's sad. But it's reality for me. These are the things that I deal with, that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard to explain exactly why I do all these things, even I can't explain it, it defies a logic that even I cannot begin to understand. But, as sad as this life situation might be right now I know that my God, my Savior is holding me in the palm of his hand.

There are people everywhere praying for me and Jake, and things are getting better. Slowly. With time. I could say I expect a miracle, that I will be healed and this will all go away and I won't be "sick" or "crazy" anymore and I won't cry for no reason; and although I do believe in miracles I know that this is something I will inevitably deal with for the rest of my life.

I also know that even though I will have this "disease" for the rest of my life, that there are ways to control it, with medicine and doctors and therapy, and I am looking into all those things and combinations of those things to help me live a more normal and productive life.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have this disease and I am not ashamed to say that despite this disease I am a child of God, he loves me in spite of this and helps to carry me through all this. When he calls out "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nikki right over!" Instead of letting me run through his arms He catches me and I run INTO his arms and he holds me there and lets me know how much he loves me, and how he will never let me go.