The Hardest Summer

 

(Trigger warning, this may be difficult for you to read if you’ve experienced the loss of a child or baby).

 

When you think of Summer you think of warm weather and sunshine, being carefree, camping, S’mores, catching fireflies in mason jars, BBQ’s, picnics and fishing at the lake. Summer is a joyful season filled with holidays that bring people together, fireworks and baseball, concerts in the park down the street on a warm evening. That’s what Summer should be.

Those things are exactly what I was hoping Summer 2014 was going to be filled with, and it was, but there was something else about this Summer that spun my little world around.

Summer 2014 was the hardest season of my life, and while nearly everyone around me just wanted Summer to just go on and on, I couldn’t wait for it to end.

 As many of you know, Jake and I have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years now. Struggling with the reality of infertility and not being able to get pregnant, along with the toll it was beginning to take on our marriage, we decided in April that it was time to take a break from all the “trying” to have a baby. So we stopped trying, and while everyone around us was telling us about how we should “just relax and it will happen,” we had done this very thing more than just this time, and it didn’t happen, it really was a very trying time for both of us, it made us into people we didn’t like and we needed to just “be” and find a part of that couple that we were before we began this journey.

 May 19^th was just like any other day, and then, the 2 lines showed up on the pregnancy test. I felt like I was in a dream. It all seemed so surreal and strange. Every month for the last 18 months I had done the same routine and taken a pregnancy test because I was sure “this month would be the month,” and it never was, but now it was happening. I didn’t really know how to feel, to say I was excited would be an understatement. There were happy tears and lots of “Thank-you God for this miracle” prayers that went up, and the realization that I was going to finally be a mom, Jake was finally going to be a dad, and this is what we, and everyone around us had been praying for. The realization that God does answer prayers, that He does hear us, and that His timing is so much greater than anything we could ever imagine.

 

Before any of this had happened, I had bought a set of onesies from Target as a hopeful reminder that someday it would happen, we would have that baby we had wanted and prayed for, for so long and had hung them in the back of my closet. So I set the onesies out, laid the (clean and dry) pregnancy test on them and called Jake. It just so happened he was working in town that day, which I did not know, and I called him and asked him if he could stop home when he had a chance, and he said he’d stop by around 1:00pm. I was so excited and nervous to tell him we were going be parents! I heard him come in the front door and walk up the stairs to our place and he came in the door, looked over to the onesies and the test laying on the couch and just said “you’re pregnant?!” I shook my head and said “yes” and we hugged and cried together for a bit, he’d step back and then look at me and then we hugged again and again. He kept saying “I have to go back to work” and then he’d give me another hug and it went this way for a few minutes. It was lovely and beautiful and something I’ll never forget. I just told him “I couldn’t go all day without you knowing!” He left and went back to work and unbeknownst to me at the time told everyone he talked to on the phone that day about our great news.

I floated around with my head in the clouds for the rest of the day. It was the greatest, most happy day of my life.

The next week was great. I started talking to the baby, even though I knew that it couldn’t hear me, but it felt right. Jake would rub my belly when he’d walk by me and we’d smile and talk about names, everything was such a dream. We just couldn’t believe that after so long we were going to finally be parents, and we were so very excited and so much in love with this little person already.

Everything changed 2 weeks later. I won’t go into great detail, but I started spotting and I just knew something was wrong. I went to go and have an ultrasound done and they told me they really didn’t even want to do one because of the spotting, but I insisted.

Being able to see our baby on the screen was such a lovely, surreal and relieving thing, and I am so grateful for that. But there was something wrong. Baby was measuring 1 and ½ weeks behind. They reassured me and told me that there are so many factors that are involved in a pregnancy that it was common for that to be the case at the first ultrasound. The ultrasound tech told me “unless you know exactly when you ovulated, you’d have no idea exactly how far along you were.” But I did know, and I knew all the other details about my cycle, in my heart I knew there was something wrong. I was hopeful, I knew God was in control of it all, but so worried and scared at the same time.

They scheduled another appointment for me to come back in the following week.

The next week dragged by.

The spotting continued and I was really starting to worry, even though everyone I talked to about it said it was completely normal and that it happens to so many women in the beginning of pregnancy and everything would turn out all right, but I felt like I already knew it wouldn’t be. This time in my life when I should have been so excited and joyful and getting ready for a baby to arrive was spent crying and praying and there were way too many sleepless nights of crying out to God and just thinking about everything going on.

A couple days before the next ultrasound all of my pregnancy symptoms that I had been having just disappeared. The nausea that had been there in full force was gone, I no longer felt sick to my stomach all day, and everything just felt different. I can’t explain it other than to say that I think women really do just know when things are wrong, it was my body and it just felt off.

I went into the ultrasound on the 18^th of June. I was hopeful, but had already prepared myself for any news they had to give. Jake wasn’t able to get off of work that morning because they were swamped, and so I went alone. I great friend had offered to come in his place but I felt like somehow everything would be fine and I wanted to be by myself, no matter what the news was. This time they did 2 ultrasounds. I waited and held my breath while the ultrasound tech clicked on all the little measurements and made her notes, and from the look on her face I could tell something was wrong. She finished the ultrasound and told me she’d be back and to have a seat on the couch in the ultrasound room.

That’s never good.

She came back in, told me the sac had not grown and there was no fetal pole, and no heartbeat from what she could see and with as far along as I thought I was ( I knew I was) there should be a heartbeat and we should be able to see all of those things by now. I didn’t know what to say. I had no words. I knew it was a possibility, but I thought she must have been wrong, obviously she didn’t know what she was talking about. Then she offered to pray for me and asked if that would be okay? I told her yes and so she did. It was lovely and kind and I felt a brief moment of peace. She then scheduled me to go and have my blood drawn to check my Hcg levels because the ultrasound “can’t show everything”, and so off I went, feeling numb, and I had to drive myself, not a good combination. I don’t know how I made it all the way across town.

I got to the Women’s Clinic and walked into a waiting room filled with pregnant women. It was like a slap in the face. I had to sit in that waiting room and try not to cry. I was thinking that should be me, I should be just like that, and be just as happy, but I wasn’t anymore. I had some kind friends, part of a group of women that I’ve become so close to who are/were all on the same journey I was of trying to have a baby; that texted me as I was waiting, they were anticipating news and I’d hoped to have good news, and I told them it wasn’t, but I was getting blood drawn and they kept me calm. It was like they were right there holding my hand. I love these women so much, and we’ve never even met. It’s amazing the people God puts in your life for these very moments.

I got called back to the lab area and I walked in the lady looked at my chart and said “January baby, huh?!” I just nodded and smiled and said “Yup.” It was everything I could do to not cry. She took a few vials of blood and told me the doctor would call me the next day. More waiting. Great.

After I got home I had to text Jake and let him know what was going on, I couldn’t say the words out loud so I didn’t call him. I didn’t want to since he had to be at work for the rest of the day, but I felt like he had to know. Then I went in my bedroom, laid on my bed, and cried. Crying turned into sobbing, and screaming and yelling. Yelling at God for His broken promises, about why He would give us this baby only to take it away from us so soon, and how I didn’t know what He was trying to teach me through all of this but it was a really shitty way to do it. Yes I said it, and other things that I will not repeat here. I was pissed. I felt lost. I felt alone. I’ve felt far away from God before, but this time, it felt like it was even farther. I just didn’t understand how a God who says he loves me and wants to give me the desires of my heart would take away the very thing that so many people have prayed for, for so long. Why would He take away a baby that was so wanted, and so, so loved already?

I never knew I could love someone so deeply who I had never even met. It was the greatest heartache I’ve ever experienced.

Jake came home that night and in the quiet of our bedroom he walked in and I was bent over on the bed on my hands and knees sobbing. He just hugged me and held me and told me that everything would be okay, that he loved me, and he was pissed off about all of it too, but that whatever happened we would be okay. Then we just laid next to each other on the bed and I snuggled up next to him and just cried, and we talked, and cried for almost 2 hours until I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore and then we ate supper.

The doctor called the next day with my blood test results. My Hcg levels were 7500. He said that was good, that it didn’t necessarily mean anything since we didn’t have any previous numbers to go by, but the numbers were good, but that I’d have to come in on Friday to get my blood drawn again to see if there was a change. I was hopeful, I called Jake and told him. I told my friends and family. Everyone was still praying and trusting for a miracle that somehow God would take this and make everything perfect.

 I was hoping and trusting for a miracle too.

 

That miracle never came. That night I started bleeding, and I just knew that was it. The baby was gone. I didn’t tell anyone, not even Jake.

Friday morning, June 20^th Jake left for work. I woke up in severe pain and went to the bathroom, still bleeding. I went back to bed hoping to get some rest. It was then in my tossing and turning that I felt the worst physical pain I’d ever felt, it lasted for what seemed like an eternity. I got up to go to the bathroom hoping I was wrong, but I wasn’t. It really was over. At least the physical pain was over.

I didn’t know what to do. I called a friend. I had to go and get my blood drawn which almost seemed comical at this point, but I went anyway. I had a bruise on my arm from the time before so the lab tech took it out of the other arm. She said the doctor would call me that day. He didn’t, he wouldn’t call until Monday morning to tell me what I already knew, but it didn’t matter.

I was mad. I was angry. I wanted to cry, but had cried so much the past 2 days that I couldn’t even do it. The heartache was there, but I just felt lost. I put it out there on Facebook, and so many women, so many, reached out to me with their stories of loss and it helped me to not feel so alone anymore. It still hurt, that pain was still there, but I knew I was not alone. I was part of a group of women, part of a club that I’d never wanted to be in, and my heart ached for me and Jake and for the baby we would never get to meet, and for all the couples and women that go through this every day. My heart just hurt so much.

My heart ached for the hopes and dreams that died that day, the plans we had already been making in preparing to have a baby, the love we had for the baby, also for the future that wasn’t going to be, and for the realization that everything I’d wanted was gone in a breath.

 

I don’t know why but I felt like it was a girl. So we named her “Grace.”

Sometimes in my dreams I think I see her face, and she is so perfect and whole and beautiful. I feel like this is God’s way of telling me she is alright.

 

We are still waiting expectantly and believing that God is who He said, and that He does keep His promises, and that He has something so much greater planned for us then we could ever have imagined. He is Faithful. He is Love. He is Truth. He has everything in His hands. His timing, not ours.

I don’t know why we’ve been chosen to walk this road. Does it still hurt? All the time. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. Some days the best thing I can do for myself is just to get out of bed for the day and that is good enough. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t wreck me when I think about what was lost. The tears do come and the pain is overwhelming. I would be lying if said that when my due date comes and goes in January that it won’t bring tears and that my heart won’t hurt, because it will. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard to see women who are pregnant and announcements on Facebook, and wishing it was me, and that it was us making that announcement too, because I do.

I will always wonder who this baby would have been.

I don’t understand it, and I know it’s not for me or anyone to understand, but we are still trusting God and it is our prayer that He will take the ashes of our brokenness and make them beautiful. And even though we won’t get to hold our baby here on earth, and the pain of that is so great, I do know that I can’t wait to get to Heaven someday and meet our baby face to face.

So yes, this has been the hardest Summer of my life, and I am ready for what’s next. 

I am ready for new beginnings.

Ready for new seasons.

Ready for what God has in store for us.

 

 

 

Time Flies...

1 and 1/2 years.
18 months.
78.26 weeks.
589 days.
13,149 hours.
788,940 minutes.
47,336,400 seconds.

That's how long we've been trying to have a baby.
How long we've been waiting to have a baby.
How long we've been praying for a baby.

I remember when we decided it was finally "time" to have a baby, and I laugh at that now, like it was just going to happen because we decided, and it was actually up to us somehow.

I remember how happy I was. How happy we were.

I remember how hopeful I was, how I just knew it was going to happen and 9 months after we decided that we were going to try we'd have that baby in our arms, and it would be how it was supposed to be, because that's just the way it worked.

I remember talking about what we would name the baby when it was born and about what we would call the baby until the day it was born. Jake said if anyone asked we'd just tell them it was "Bob" (Baby Of Bodens), and since we were not planning on finding out the sex of the baby until it was born how that would be hilarious and funny and we'd joke and laugh about it.

I remember having dreams about the baby, about how life would be once the baby came and we'd be a family. We'd plan outings and make memories and take lots and lots of photos, I always said this baby would have no shortage of photos of it because I have a camera permanently attached to my hand at all times. Jake was relieved, because he was ready for me to practice on someone else besides him.

I remember how a few months passed and still no baby. I wasn't worried because I knew it was normal for it to take that long to get pregnant, and I just knew it would happen eventually.

I remember how 1 year passed and I still wasn't pregnant. That was a sad day for me. 1 year of trying to have a baby and still no baby. Meanwhile everywhere I looked friends, family, people I didn't even know were pregnant and having babies. It seemed like everywhere I looked there was a pregnant lady, couples out walking together and pushing strollers. Everyone was having babies, but we were still waiting, the hope was beginning to fade.

I remember announcement after announcement on Facebook and wondering when it was finally going to be my turn to make that announcement. Jake reassured me and said "I would have my turn soon." Always reassuring me. I remember how I longed for it to be "my turn" and month after month the stick would show one line no matter how much I hoped and prayed for that second line to appear, and I would cry and yell and cry some more, and mourn the baby that never was. Jake would let me cry and he would hold me and try to understand, and we'd try to understand together, but it would never make any sense, we never understood "why them, and not us", because when you want something like that so much and that's a huge desire of your heart, it doesn't make sense, and you don't understand, because there is no understanding in that broken place.

I remember holidays. Ugh, holidays. How well meaning people would ask "when?" and I would hold back the tears and have nothing eloquent or lovely to say and what I really wanted to say I couldn't say out loud because they just wouldn't understand and it would be awkward and I would cry and I didn't want to cry about it anymore, and having to sit through it all and not really feeling like anybody understood why I felt the way I did.

I remember walking away when people were walking towards me to talk to me because I didn't even want to chance the possibility that they would ask me questions about it all and I would break down and they wouldn't know what to do.

I remember feeling broken, less-than, like a failure, this shouldn't be this hard! "Maybe we're not supposed to have a baby...," "We don't deserve a baby." "Maybe if we hadn't of done (fill in the blank) or we did (fill in the blank) better......if we prayed more, or trusted God more, or cried less, or didn't want it so much, or just relaxed....maybe then I would get pregnant."

I remember becoming bitter, resentful, hateful, ugly and just plain angry about trying to have a baby. Jake and I were fighting more and more, and I was crying all the time. Marriage became even harder, because it's not hard enough some days, right? We started ignoring each other and spending less time doing things together, we would get mad at each other, and not even remember why, or what we were fighting about. We were having conversations that I never thought we'd ever have to have about "what's next?" "what do we do if we can't have a baby" and I would cry some more.

I remember thinking "this isn't how it's supposed to be." But it was and we didn't know how to change it, or what to do next, or differently.

I remember falling on my face and praying, crying out to God and screaming and yelling at Him and just thinking that He must not be listening to all the prayers going up on our behalf, because if He was we'd have that baby. I specifically remember reminding God that I was not a patient person and so if He was trying to teach me a lesson in waiting and patience that I had gotten the point, and He could send that baby our way any time now. I told him how tired and worn I was, how my heart hurt so much that I felt like it would explode from the pain, from the not understanding why.

I remember just last week I threw my hands up in the air and told Jake and I told God that I was giving up. I quit. I don't want this baby that I've been wanting for so long anymore. I told Him that it hurt too much and that I didn't want to hurt that much anymore and that it wasn't worth it. I told him that He could just keep giving all those babies to all the people who didn't love them that have been all over the news lately for hurting and killing their own children because obviously I wasn't crazy enough for Him to give me a baby, so He should just keep on doing what He's doing.

I'm sure He appreciated that.

I'm sure He heard me.

I am sure He still has His own plan.

I am sure that He knows what's best for my life.

I am sure that He's already been where I am going and He knows how the story ends.

I am sure that I don't understand it at all......and that's probably okay.

I am sure He still loves me.

I am sure that I say all of those things everyday, that I have to remind myself of those things daily even if the words seem hollow, because if I don't, I might not make it through the day without breaking down.

1 and 1/2 years.
18 months.
78.26 weeks.
589 days.
13,149 hours.
788,940 minutes.
47,336,400 seconds.

And counting............

Be Still My Soul

This is my prayer today.

That I am so still that I will be able to hear that still, small voice.

That in the stillness I will hear answers to prayers being prayed.

That I will be able to rest in the stillness, to just be.

To be present, to be fully aware.

Filled with joy.

So full of joy.

To be so thankful and grateful for all the blessings in my life.

That this stillness will just let me live and breathe in all of these blessings, the big and so encompassing and the so very little.

That I may appreciate this life that has been given, so much more than I have been.

To not take for granted these moments, because they are passing me by all too quickly.

That I will live fully in His promises and reside and rest in the peace and stillness only He can give.

Amen.

(Music/Song by Kari Jobe)

14 years ago

We met.

 I was dating someone else, you just happened to be there at the same time in the same group of friends. We became friends. My relationship ended, and you and me, we continued to be friends, to get to know each other a little bit better. We started hanging out more, it was kind of hard not to when all our friends were dating each other. One night we all went out for pizza and bowling, and you and me were the only ones that were not attached to anybody. We spent the night talking and flirting I smiled at you, you smiled back, we sat next to one another and as the night was ending; me taking off my bowling shoes, you came up and asked me to "make it official, would you be my girlfriend?" I almost fainted right there in that bowling alley. "Yes" was the answer I gave. That was just the beginning.

 Eight years later, you asked me again, to "make it official, would you be my wife?" You put the ring on my finger and I screamed so loud I think people five miles away could hear me as I said "Are you serious?!! Yes!!!" there was much jumping up and down for joy and hugs and kisses that evening, and we drove off into the night to tell my parents. 

One year later, October 6th, 2007 we were married.

 On a day completely unlike today. It was 85 degrees and windy. We were getting married in a church out in the country in Carmel Iowa. I remember getting ready with all my girls, make-up just on, and through the door I heard your voice as you were walking past, and the tears came. Tears of joy and happiness. I was finally going to be your wife after so much time together and I couldn't stop the tears. 

 We met before the ceremony, a moment together alone (with the photographers), you told me how beautiful I looked and how "poofy" my dress was, and I commented on the tie clip I had given you to wear that day. A tie clip my grandmother had given to me to give to you while she told me "Your grandpa wore this on our wedding day", and I was filled with memories of him and all of our other family members who were watching us from above that day. 

 And then it was off for photos with our friends and family. 

My veil blew in the wind, my dress swooshed and swayed as you twirled and dipped me for photos. We smiled so much our cheeks hurt. It was so good. 

 Then the moment came. People, all the people that love and support us so much began to file into the church pews. The music started. I was standing at the end of the aisle with my dad, looking at you standing at the other end, and the tears came again. So happy for this moment, for God's faithfulness in bringing us here to this place together. That was the most important and best walk I've ever taken, the walk into my journey with you. 

 The ceremony was lovely. A great message, music, candles, parents laying their hands on us in prayer, being surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. And God was there, orchestrating it all. We walked out of the ceremony, I threw my hand holding my bouquet in the air and hollered, and everyone rang bells and clapped and hooted and hollered right along with us. 

 We drove away from the church in the Suzuki with streamers and cans following behind us and wind blowing down a country road, shaving cream that pelted us in the face, and we laughed and talked about what a great story this would be. Some of the best moments of our lives. 

 The night was spent celebrating and dancing, talking and sharing with friends and family who had come from all over the country just to be with us. We are so loved. We realized just how much and how blessed we are to have so many people who love us so much! We danced into the night and drove away around midnight.

 The next couple days are a blur. Everything moved so fast. I packed up the last of my things from my childhood home, hugged and cried some more and waved goodbye to my parents as I hopped in my Honda and followed you in your Chevy down the road to Ames, Iowa. Those were probably the most empty and full of thinking my own thoughts 3 and 1/2 hours that I've ever had. 

We started a new life here together in Ames 5 years ago. 

You're still my favorite. My best friend. The one who loves me through everything. My biggest fan. My shoulder to cry on. The one I still dream with and for.

 I love you. 

Thank you for choosing me.

  I will always choose you.

Dancing in the Minefields, in the Shadowlands

Today I am feeling like there are bombs being thrown at me, and Jake and at our marriage. So many bills piling up, so little money, need gas in the truck, there is no money. So much worry. So much time spent fighting, throwing bombs at each other. We are in the minefields people. Big time.

I have been feeling really low, not to the point where I am back to the point in the journey of my illness that it is so bad I don't even want to get out of bed, but it is getting there, and that scares me. There have been later and later nights spent awake, and more and more worrying and such anxiety and tears about things, that looking back over the last few weeks (who am I kidding the last few months), mean so little. I know this:

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)

So I know that my tears mean something, I get that, but right now, entering that pit again, those tears just feel so empty.

So here I am laying myself out for the world to see. Broken. Empty. Stumbling. Admitting that I can't do this alone, oh believe me I have tried, I DO try, but it always ends up back to this point. I get full of myself, feeling better, loving life (on the meds) that I think I don't need anything, any meds, to help me hold my head up and keep me from throwing things at Jake's head.

So I stopped taking them awhile back, it's been a few months now; thinking that I could and would do better without them this time. I did it for a lot of reasons. A lot of excuses really. But really I think that I am still so afraid of being judged by others, of being labeled: Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. Anxiety attack girl. Yup, that's me. So afraid that I just gave up on myself really. I let myself fall back down here, and now I need help back up again.

Yes. I need help. I said it. We need help, Jake and I. We need your prayers. My illness is wearing on my husband, I can see it. He's been having more and more sleepless nights too, worrying about me, worrying about money, and bills and everything a husband worries about. He just wants to fix it, and I know it hurts him that right now, he just can't. It makes things harder for him, and the last thing he needs, especially now while in school is to have all of this extra crap piled on him.

He can only handle so much and then he's just done, not with me, just done with trying to help fix me, trying to make me feel better about me. Done. Trust me, I get it. If the situation was reversed and it was him going through it, I would have been done, and stopped caring a long time ago, and as ashamed as I am to admit that, that's saying something. I know what I put him through on a daily basis and I know that it's not easy. At all. I know sometimes he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away, run even, because I know that I am a lot to deal with.

But he doesn't. He doesn't do any of that. He's a strong man and I know for certain that God put him in my life because He knew I needed someone that could handle me. All of me. At my best, and my worst. I know he really loves me. I don't know many other people that could handle the moods swings, and yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing of inanimate objects at one's head. He does it. Everyday. Thank you God!

So now it's time again. Time for the meds. Gotta go get a med check at the clinic to do that. And sleeping regular hours again, which will come with taking the meds.

God's promise to me and Jake. HE will carry us through these dark days, through the shadow-lands, and we will keep dancing through the minefields. Together.



Now turn the music off at the bottom of the page and listen to this music right here. It touched my heart in a HUGE way today.

There stands a little Christmas Tree...

..... looks a lot like Charlie Brown’s.

Well pretty close, a little "nicer" but still humble in it's own right

Took some pictures of the most beautiful, humble, little tree standing in the living room of my one bedroom apartment on Douglas Avenue.



Well, I think it's beautiful.


It's simple and not fussy and showcases some ornaments that Jake and I have gotten from others or collected over the years.

This tree holds a lot of memories already; it's got some big "memory" shoes to fill I can tell you that.



New memories. The owl ornament I purchased from Pier 1. I got a great deal on it, and fell in love! I just love owls. Can't get enough. Seriously, I am obsessed! I might need help, I'll let you know. Some sparkly, shiny glass ornaments, I drool. Really. We begin new memories of our own with these on our tree. Fabulous.


Old Memories.

The clear plastic stars, given to us by Jake's mom for Christmas last year, we called them "throwing stars," they're sharp and pointy, but boy do they ever sparkle on that tree.

The Faith ornament, given to me by my parents, it's my middle name, and means so much more to me than just the middle name given to me. It's the basis of my belief. In my trust in God.

Hebrews 11:1 (The Message)

¹The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.

The red wagon. I am told it was the first Christmas ornament ever given to me. It hangs on our tree every year. It will hang on that tree every year, as long as it lasts. The red wagon. It's the ornament that started the giving of all the other ornaments, and for that I am forever thankful.

We are blessed in the fact that we get to decorate OUR tree with these ornaments and so many others! We get to make new memories around a tree filled to the brim with such great memories already.

Memories that are ours. Together. Around our little Charlie Brown tree.

I cherish those memories already. I know they are fleeting and for a moment and oh how I cherish them! Someday there will be so much more going on in our lives, God willing there will be children and we will share even more memories and noise and laughter around the tree. There will be chaos and going here and there....and so now, right now, I take in these moments, breathe them in deeply and savor them.

Simple moments. Sharing life, and love and laughter, just the two of us.

What love really means

Turn off the music at the bottom of the page for this, trust me you'll want to hear what this song has to say about real love. It made me think, it made me cry, it made sense to me. For this is what I heard on that day when God spoke to my heart, to my life. He came to me in my darkest hour and said these words to me.

So beyond thankful for a God who can love me like that. There are no words.

Jake - I praise God for you!

I penned out these words in my little "made of recycled materials" notebook as I sat in Starbucks last week Saturday afternoon. Yes Starbucks, I went for a walk, and well "Hello, my name is Nikki and I am addicted to Starbucks," their beverages mostly, but on Saturday afternoon the mood was mellow and calm sitting at that table by the window along Lincoln Way.

As I was sipping on my SFCD, Soy Frapp, my head was filled with all these thoughts of our upcoming anniversary celebration. For those of you who do not know, Jake and I have been together since January of 1999 and got married on October 6th, 2007. You do the math :-)

My pen kept going, my mind and heart overflowing with all these words and thoughts of my husband:

God given, lover of God, man after Him.

Life sustaining- normalcy bringer, you bring me back down in those moments when I could drift away into the depths. You know.

Hand to hold. Fingers interlocking. Squeezing, warm. Amazing.

Arms to wrap. Always warm, always ready and waiting. Comforting.

Blue-eyed wonder. Love it. No other words.

Working hard. Always, in everything you do. Thank you for this. I don't say it enough.

Striving, trying, you make me proud. All the time. Never doubt that. Ever.

Searching for answers, always wanting to know more.

Dreaming big dreams, you know what. We dream together. Thank you.

Hopeful about the future and what it will bring, trusting God to lead.

Learning, always learning. I love this about you.

Enduring. Holding me up. Pushing through the pain and the darkness with me, even in the darkest hours you never abandoned.

Encouraging me in all things, loving me, praising me. Love you.

Smile. Oh that smile! God knew I needed it in my life. Yes He did!

Friend. You are my best friend. I know you are mine, God gave you to me for a reason.

Random. Love that my randomness amuses you. You know I try. Something about cows talking?

Laid Back. You help me relax. You help lighten my load, my burdens are lessened thanks to you. I love you.

Uncle. You're amazing with those kiddos. They love you and you take it all in stride. It's amazing to see you with them. Did I mention you're amazing?

Future Father. Someday. I know you'll be great. We'll be great together. Never perfect, but we'll make it, no doubt.

My Favorite. Always. As long as we both shall live. You know this. I tell you often.

I love you.
My God-given, Blue-eyed man.
I love you.

Prayers for the broken

Dear Lord,

My heart is hurting, hurting for so many reasons, and you know why, you know all things and that helps to ease my heart and mind and give me peace, knowing that you are all knowing.

God I just fall on my knees before you, I give up, I give it all to you. I can't do this alone, and I know you always promised you'd be there God, that you'd never give me a burden so heavy and lonesome that I would carry it all by myself. You knew I would never be able to carry these heavy weights on my own and so you come alongside me and send people here on earth to walk down the dark paths with me, as your lanterns in my life. Thank you God for all those people.

Thank you God for you hand holding steady on my heart and and in my life. You are my one constant, in you I hope, believe, and endure all things because I know that you will never leave me or forsake me.

Thank you God for the times in my life when I felt most alone and afraid, because in those moments you showed yourself to me in awesome and wonderful ways and helped remind me that even when I don't feel you there, you are there, in the darkest moments of my life you shone forth your light into my life, I will always be amazed and in awe and praise you for that moment, for all those moments in my life, Thank you God.

God the future is uncertain, there are so many things that I think about, worry about, wanting so much more than I already have. God I ask that you calm my mind, my fears for things seen now and things yet to come. Give my heart peace and rest that I know I can only find in you, in your presence God. Take the worries from me, I give them all to you and lay them at your feet, knowing you are the one who can take them away and I never have to worry again, but you know I will God, and I just ask for forgiveness in those times when I worry and struggle, I pray that you will show that to me so that I will give everything over to you. God I want more, I am selfish and I know that you have already given me so much in this life. Help me to be more thankful and not take for granted all that you have given me, open my eyes, my mind and heart when I find myself in the depths of this.

God I thank you for my marriage, for my husband, who you so obviously put here on earth for me to meet. I praise you for knowing just what I needed in a man, in a partner that I prayed for and you brought him into my life in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty, you always knew what was best for me. God teach me to let go of control of my life and my marriage to you, for you are the only one strong enough to carry and sustain it through all things. I praise you for bringing Jake and I through one of the darkest points in our marriage. Even in the pit of depression and anxiety, you were working in our marriage, in our lives and I see that now, please forgive me when I did not see it sooner.
God we would have never made it through those days without you, and I don't know why we tried. I am so amazed by the grace and mercy you've shown to us and continue to show to us through everything. You are amazing God! You continue to fill our lives with blessings. Blessings in the form of people, places, and so many things too numerous to name. Thank you God for being a God who gives, as well as a God who takes away, for in all those things we can see your hand guiding us as we walk the road you've laid out before us.

God I just pray that you will mend broken hearts, bring peace where there needs peace and understanding too. Please protect the hearts and lives of the people around me, I lift them all to you. You know all their thoughts, and unspoken words. You know all their hearts and brokenness in and through their lives right now God. You know their praises and songs to you, you know every meaning of every tear cried, you know them God. You know what they need more than I do. I know your heart hurts when they hurt and all I ask is for you to surround them with your grace, mercy and love. The love that only comes from you Lord God.

I love you so much God, Holder of my heart.

Amen

Find your wings

Dear Daemon,

Today is your 5th birthday, and I cannot believe you are that old already! It seems like just yesterday when your mom and dad called and were so excited that you had finally arrived after many hours of labor and finally a c-section in the hot Texas weather. Even then you were a stubborn little boy!



I finally met you when you were 2 months old. You came to live with your mom and dad at GG and Pops' house when you moved up from Texas, and I was living there at the time too. How how I loved those days! Even when you would cry I would just think how awesome it was to have you here and how I wished I could have been there for your birth! It was great having you living at that house D-man, we spent so much time together, so many days and nights getting to know each other. I loved it when your cue ball head went from bald to curly, almost overnight! that curly hair, oh how I love the thought of it and miss it on your head even now, I would love to run my fingers through that mop of hair on your head.

You are the smartest little man I know. Reading by yourself when you were 4 years old, you know the alphabet forwards and backwards. The time you counted to 100 for me, that was awesome! You can probably count to infinity by now you're so smart!
Even your teacher was impressed.

You love to read, and you love to read to me when I come and visit and I love to soak it all up, and I just marvel at you, you are a little wonder, a little blessing, and you get smarter and smarter every time I see you. You even showed me how to log on to PBS Kids, and how I should really click the "Hint" button when I play Bejeweled because it will "help you out a lot." You make me smile.

You used to call me Auntie Ninny because you couldn't say your k's for "Nikki". I loved hearing you say that, it just made my heart melt. A few months ago I came home and you called me "Auntie Nikki" and oh how happy and sad I was all at the same time. Happy because you are getting bigger and smarter, but sad because I knew that I was always going to miss being your "Auntie Ninny" but I will always remember it too!

And buddy? I know that I am farther away now, and I don't get to come see you as much as you or I would like, but don't ever for a second think that means I don't love you and think about you and pray for you every single day! I would be there in a heartbeat to spend time with you and have you read to me, and show me how to use "my camera" and tell me everything you did that day over and over again.

1 month from now you will be starting kindergarten and I can hardly believe it! You are getting to be such a big boy and the time sure has flown by, I know your mommy and daddy say the same thing too. Even though I won't be there for your first day of kindergarten, just know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you and loving you still.

You are my little D-man, my little buddy. Happy Birthday!
Love,
Auntie Ninny

We Will Tell the Story

TWLOHA Day-Friday November 13th, 2009

Love is the Movement-TWLOHA

Love is the movement.

"We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding"---Donald Miller





Tomorrow is TWLOHA day. TWLOHA stands for: To Write Love On Her Arms. This is a movement that has helped and saved so many people's lives. People who struggle with depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, addiction, cutting, etc. have been helped by this amazing, amazing movement. I don't really have the words to explain how much something like this could help someone like me, and I support this movement wholeheartedly! I, along with so many others will help to share and spread the movement, the movement of love by physically writing the word "LOVE" on my arms tomorrow, November 13th. (I hope to also take and post a photo of this as well).

For those of you interested in learning more about this, please check out the vision of TWLOHA. It will tell you how and why the movement began and give you the story of a girl who it all began with.

Below is a video I found from one of the "gatherings" TWLOHA has had. It begins with the story of Renee, and follows with a dance to the music A Time for Yohe, by Between the Trees.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send my Savior right over....

As you know a month ago I lost my job, that I loved due to this illness that I suffer with every day of my life, the big D. Depression. This past month has been a huge series of ups and downs, although I am sad to say that it has been mostly downs. I can say too, that this month has brought me back to my childhood. Not necessarily in a good way, just in a way that has made me realize how bad everything is right now and I think, no, I am sure I have hit rock bottom.

Lets compare shall we, all the ways the my life has become(sort of) like my childhood.

1. Doing everything I can and making every excuse in the book to not take a shower or a bath. Seriously, it really is that bad, I have gone 1 whole week plus a couple days without taking a shower and all because I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't going anywhere anyway, nobody was going to see me, and therefore I didn't "feel the need" to waste water on myself. I feel sorry for Jake mostly, because he had to deal with me every week, and he's been really good about it so far, but I think there might come a time when he might lock me in the bathroom, until I become so bored the only thing left to do after organizing the medicine cabinet is to take a shower. It's gross I realize this, but I just don't feel like it.

2. Staying up late until all hours of the night, having a slumber party, only this one is all by myself. Seriously, I haven't been sleeping normally. Last week I went almost 24 hours without any sleep. The reason? I don't want to go to bed knowing that I have nothing to get up for in the morning, and I don't have anywhere to go, so why bother!? Sad, I know.

3. Sleeping in. I remember how I cherished sleeping in on Saturday mornings during my junior high through college years. Seriously, if you ask my husband even now he would say there is no chance of waking me, I sleep like "the dead" and I often wake up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in, which is on my left side, snuggling with my body pillow. But seriously, along with the staying up until 5 in the morning everyday has come sleeping all day. Sometimes until 4 in the afternoon, just because then I won't have to think about not having to be anywhere or go anywhere, and then I have every excuse for why I didn't get the "chores" done.

4. Speaking of Chores. I would do everything, anything to get out of doing these as a child, and to tell you the truth I still do, to a point. My problem is that I like to put off doing things like washing the dishes or doing laundry until I have no dishes left, and the only thing I have left to wear is the "I love Shih'Tzus'" T-shirt and a pair of leggings, that I haven't worn in over 5 years. No. Lie. But really, now, it is out of control. I did dishes (by hand, because that's what you do when you have no dishwasher), for 2 hours the other day, and all because I don't "feel" like doing them, despite the fact that I am home all day. The laundry, nope not a chance that those clothes are getting washed, because the basement, it's just creep-tastic, and heaven forbid that I actually get out of my PJ's and get dressed like a normal person, and GO.OUT.SIDE. Gasp! People might see me, and the sun (when it's been out lately) is really bright! Who knew right?! These are all the excuses I make and have been making lately as to not do any of these household chores.

This has been my life the last month. I know it's sad. But it's reality for me. These are the things that I deal with, that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard to explain exactly why I do all these things, even I can't explain it, it defies a logic that even I cannot begin to understand. But, as sad as this life situation might be right now I know that my God, my Savior is holding me in the palm of his hand.

There are people everywhere praying for me and Jake, and things are getting better. Slowly. With time. I could say I expect a miracle, that I will be healed and this will all go away and I won't be "sick" or "crazy" anymore and I won't cry for no reason; and although I do believe in miracles I know that this is something I will inevitably deal with for the rest of my life.

I also know that even though I will have this "disease" for the rest of my life, that there are ways to control it, with medicine and doctors and therapy, and I am looking into all those things and combinations of those things to help me live a more normal and productive life.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have this disease and I am not ashamed to say that despite this disease I am a child of God, he loves me in spite of this and helps to carry me through all this. When he calls out "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nikki right over!" Instead of letting me run through his arms He catches me and I run INTO his arms and he holds me there and lets me know how much he loves me, and how he will never let me go.