Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Crying Out
I was just minding my own business really. Sitting on my couch, watching the news, drinking my coffee, and tears came to my eyes. Why am I crying? I thought to myself. This is dumb, so dumb. Why now?
All these words started to fill my head, were on my heart, and so I just started praying, talking really, to Him. I had been feeling less than, less than everything that He created me to be, and I just started talking. I can honestly say it had been far to long since the last time I really talked to God, really opened up my mind and my heart and just let Him in and those moments drinking my morning coffee, God was prodding in my heart, I am sure he had been for some time trying to get my attention, again, because how quickly I just seem to "fall away" when life gets busy and I forget to take it to him. I have been keeping it all inside, and not letting go, and it was eating away at me.
With tears streaming down my face I started talking.
I started talking about my marriage, I prayed for Jake and his schooling, for Jake to be able to continue to do what he's doing and to be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done, with a clear mind and understanding of everything that is placed in front of him.
I prayed for God to continue to walk with us through our marriage, in this season, because it wasn't going to be easy, but to just be the God who I know he is and has been in both our lives and in our marriage.
I prayed for patience for me, in waiting for things that I want so badly now but know that it is all in His time, in His plan. He already knows.
I prayed for family and friends hurting, and how much I so want to be able to do more and help more but how much I know that He is there too, going before them and already doing so much in and through their lives.
I prayed for our little church, searching for a pastor, waiting on a pastor whom we have called, and for peace and understanding in whatever decision is made. For us as a body to know that God is there in all the details and He has already prepared someone for our little church to come and lead us. He has gone before us and knows who that person is, and that I just trust him to bring the right person to us, in His time.
I prayed for strength, for peace in my unsettled heart, in those anxiety ridden places, I prayed for peace. I asked God to continue to work in my heart and my life and use me, for His purpose in the place he has called me to be, right now.
I thanked God for all he has done in and through my life, taking me out of the darkness and into the light, and how he has saved me over and over again, day in and day out and continues to do so. I thanked him for all the blessings, for all the ways Jake and I have been blessed, and that we are so amazed and ever grateful for all the blessings He sends our way, even though we know we do not deserve any of them.
I prayed to get through this day, To accomplish what I needed to get done, and that He would continue to guide me, to guide us, through every step along the way. Amen.
Amen indeed. It was amazing to have that talk with God. I need to do it more and more, and make it a part of my day, everyday; and know that I can take anything to him. The good, the bad, whatever. He loves me anyway.
All these words started to fill my head, were on my heart, and so I just started praying, talking really, to Him. I had been feeling less than, less than everything that He created me to be, and I just started talking. I can honestly say it had been far to long since the last time I really talked to God, really opened up my mind and my heart and just let Him in and those moments drinking my morning coffee, God was prodding in my heart, I am sure he had been for some time trying to get my attention, again, because how quickly I just seem to "fall away" when life gets busy and I forget to take it to him. I have been keeping it all inside, and not letting go, and it was eating away at me.
With tears streaming down my face I started talking.
I started talking about my marriage, I prayed for Jake and his schooling, for Jake to be able to continue to do what he's doing and to be able to accomplish everything that needs to be done, with a clear mind and understanding of everything that is placed in front of him.
I prayed for God to continue to walk with us through our marriage, in this season, because it wasn't going to be easy, but to just be the God who I know he is and has been in both our lives and in our marriage.
I prayed for patience for me, in waiting for things that I want so badly now but know that it is all in His time, in His plan. He already knows.
I prayed for family and friends hurting, and how much I so want to be able to do more and help more but how much I know that He is there too, going before them and already doing so much in and through their lives.
I prayed for our little church, searching for a pastor, waiting on a pastor whom we have called, and for peace and understanding in whatever decision is made. For us as a body to know that God is there in all the details and He has already prepared someone for our little church to come and lead us. He has gone before us and knows who that person is, and that I just trust him to bring the right person to us, in His time.
I prayed for strength, for peace in my unsettled heart, in those anxiety ridden places, I prayed for peace. I asked God to continue to work in my heart and my life and use me, for His purpose in the place he has called me to be, right now.
I thanked God for all he has done in and through my life, taking me out of the darkness and into the light, and how he has saved me over and over again, day in and day out and continues to do so. I thanked him for all the blessings, for all the ways Jake and I have been blessed, and that we are so amazed and ever grateful for all the blessings He sends our way, even though we know we do not deserve any of them.
I prayed to get through this day, To accomplish what I needed to get done, and that He would continue to guide me, to guide us, through every step along the way. Amen.
Amen indeed. It was amazing to have that talk with God. I need to do it more and more, and make it a part of my day, everyday; and know that I can take anything to him. The good, the bad, whatever. He loves me anyway.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Beautiful Things
Just yesterday I was feeling less than. I was not perfect, unworthy of God's love and ashamed because I felt I had let him down. I had a talk with God and I will write more about that later, but today a friend shared this video on facebook and it made me realize, again, that God does not make mistakes. He makes everything beautiful, in HIS time. Not mine. And he can make it from nothing. This reminded me that I am beautiful in Him, I do have a purpose here, and my life is in His hands. Always. Thank you Jesus.
(Make sure to turn the music player on the left hand side of this page off so you can hear this beautiful music)
(Make sure to turn the music player on the left hand side of this page off so you can hear this beautiful music)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Almost there
It's been a whirlwind, these last couple months. I have gone from a job I loved working at, with people I loved working with, and having to commute 1 hour a day; to a job I love more, with people that are amazing, and I only commute 20 minutes, both ways. It is truly an answer to prayer. A lot of prayers. A job that came with benefits and using gifts that God gave me long ago that I hadn't yet been able to put to use. Well, good use.
It's amazing and crazy to me how things can change so quickly, yet through it all God is there, every step of the way. He's already orchestrated this all so clearly, now I am just following His leading.
It's been a bit of a rough couple weeks for me, my anxiety has been mounting; (I am in the process of getting my meds re-worked), and all because of one thing. I have been staying up late, sleeping in, and wanting it to go away, this thing, that just keeps looming at me over the horizon, creeping closer and closer, and finally it will be here tomorrow.
30 years of life.
I used to think 30 was old.
That by now I'd have accomplished and done so much more in my life, I'd have 3 or 4 kids running around and enjoying time as a family. We'd be living in a house, with a beautiful garden that I would plant and maintain, and grow. Just living life and loving every moment. I would be healthier more fit and taking better care of myself. Jake would be done with school, we'd be financially at peace, and just enjoying time together. Ahhhh.......yes. No.
I want that. All those things. Jake to be done with school, kids, a house, a garden to tend to, better health. That's where the anxiety, the evil part comes in. Sneaks into the back of my mind and whispers "see you haven't done any of that, all of those plans you had, you HAVE NOTHING to show for your life!" And I think that's what did me in these past few weeks. I let the bad, the evil creep in and really get me down.
I'll be honest here. There was a night that was so bad, I just couldn't stop crying, and everything Jake said set me off, and made everything worse. I couldn't explain it away, or even wish it away, the anxiety, the sadness, it was full force. Hard core. I promised myself I would never be that way again, and I didn't want it to start all over before I was about to celebrate one of the "big birthdays", in my life. I do NOT want that darkness slithering it's way back into my life. Not like it was, not like before. NEVER again like before. All Jake could do was hold me and let me cry. I have an amazing husband, but that's another story.
So today, the day before my 30th birthday I have realized something.
This is where I am supposed to be in my life. Right here. In this moment, in these moments. I will not try to wish away all the blessings poured out on me every day, all the love and prayers sent my way from friends and family and even perfect strangers. I am here, and I truly believe where God wants me to be. I may not have what I want, but I do know that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows. And He is the one with the plan. He knows the desires of my heart, to be a healthy, loving, wife and momma, with a garden to grow the beauty of the earth. To be a better friend and wife, sister and daughter. To show more love to those around me. To love myself more, and more. To grow in His Grace. To be open to all the blessings in my life, even the ones I think are "too small."
I have been blessed more than I ever realized in these past 30 years of my life.
He has pulled me out of the darkness, out of the pit. There is a reason I am here. He's showing me that path, guiding me down it every day. I am praising God for 30 years on this earth, and trusting Him to guide me into all the rest of the unknown years of my life.
It's amazing and crazy to me how things can change so quickly, yet through it all God is there, every step of the way. He's already orchestrated this all so clearly, now I am just following His leading.
It's been a bit of a rough couple weeks for me, my anxiety has been mounting; (I am in the process of getting my meds re-worked), and all because of one thing. I have been staying up late, sleeping in, and wanting it to go away, this thing, that just keeps looming at me over the horizon, creeping closer and closer, and finally it will be here tomorrow.
My 30th Birthday.
30 years of life.
I used to think 30 was old.
That by now I'd have accomplished and done so much more in my life, I'd have 3 or 4 kids running around and enjoying time as a family. We'd be living in a house, with a beautiful garden that I would plant and maintain, and grow. Just living life and loving every moment. I would be healthier more fit and taking better care of myself. Jake would be done with school, we'd be financially at peace, and just enjoying time together. Ahhhh.......yes. No.
I want that. All those things. Jake to be done with school, kids, a house, a garden to tend to, better health. That's where the anxiety, the evil part comes in. Sneaks into the back of my mind and whispers "see you haven't done any of that, all of those plans you had, you HAVE NOTHING to show for your life!" And I think that's what did me in these past few weeks. I let the bad, the evil creep in and really get me down.
I'll be honest here. There was a night that was so bad, I just couldn't stop crying, and everything Jake said set me off, and made everything worse. I couldn't explain it away, or even wish it away, the anxiety, the sadness, it was full force. Hard core. I promised myself I would never be that way again, and I didn't want it to start all over before I was about to celebrate one of the "big birthdays", in my life. I do NOT want that darkness slithering it's way back into my life. Not like it was, not like before. NEVER again like before. All Jake could do was hold me and let me cry. I have an amazing husband, but that's another story.
So today, the day before my 30th birthday I have realized something.
This is where I am supposed to be in my life. Right here. In this moment, in these moments. I will not try to wish away all the blessings poured out on me every day, all the love and prayers sent my way from friends and family and even perfect strangers. I am here, and I truly believe where God wants me to be. I may not have what I want, but I do know that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows. And He is the one with the plan. He knows the desires of my heart, to be a healthy, loving, wife and momma, with a garden to grow the beauty of the earth. To be a better friend and wife, sister and daughter. To show more love to those around me. To love myself more, and more. To grow in His Grace. To be open to all the blessings in my life, even the ones I think are "too small."
I have been blessed more than I ever realized in these past 30 years of my life.
He has pulled me out of the darkness, out of the pit. There is a reason I am here. He's showing me that path, guiding me down it every day. I am praising God for 30 years on this earth, and trusting Him to guide me into all the rest of the unknown years of my life.
Happy 30th Birthday to Me!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
A Bright Sunshin-ey Day
A few of the signs of new beginnings, warmth, and the hope of each new day. Given to us. Praise God!
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Dancing in the Minefields, in the Shadowlands
Today I am feeling like there are bombs being thrown at me, and Jake and at our marriage. So many bills piling up, so little money, need gas in the truck, there is no money. So much worry. So much time spent fighting, throwing bombs at each other. We are in the minefields people. Big time.
I have been feeling really low, not to the point where I am back to the point in the journey of my illness that it is so bad I don't even want to get out of bed, but it is getting there, and that scares me. There have been later and later nights spent awake, and more and more worrying and such anxiety and tears about things, that looking back over the last few weeks (who am I kidding the last few months), mean so little. I know this:
So I know that my tears mean something, I get that, but right now, entering that pit again, those tears just feel so empty.
So here I am laying myself out for the world to see. Broken. Empty. Stumbling. Admitting that I can't do this alone, oh believe me I have tried, I DO try, but it always ends up back to this point. I get full of myself, feeling better, loving life (on the meds) that I think I don't need anything, any meds, to help me hold my head up and keep me from throwing things at Jake's head.
So I stopped taking them awhile back, it's been a few months now; thinking that I could and would do better without them this time. I did it for a lot of reasons. A lot of excuses really. But really I think that I am still so afraid of being judged by others, of being labeled: Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. Anxiety attack girl. Yup, that's me. So afraid that I just gave up on myself really. I let myself fall back down here, and now I need help back up again.
Yes. I need help. I said it. We need help, Jake and I. We need your prayers. My illness is wearing on my husband, I can see it. He's been having more and more sleepless nights too, worrying about me, worrying about money, and bills and everything a husband worries about. He just wants to fix it, and I know it hurts him that right now, he just can't. It makes things harder for him, and the last thing he needs, especially now while in school is to have all of this extra crap piled on him.
He can only handle so much and then he's just done, not with me, just done with trying to help fix me, trying to make me feel better about me. Done. Trust me, I get it. If the situation was reversed and it was him going through it, I would have been done, and stopped caring a long time ago, and as ashamed as I am to admit that, that's saying something. I know what I put him through on a daily basis and I know that it's not easy. At all. I know sometimes he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away, run even, because I know that I am a lot to deal with.
But he doesn't. He doesn't do any of that. He's a strong man and I know for certain that God put him in my life because He knew I needed someone that could handle me. All of me. At my best, and my worst. I know he really loves me. I don't know many other people that could handle the moods swings, and yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing of inanimate objects at one's head. He does it. Everyday. Thank you God!
So now it's time again. Time for the meds. Gotta go get a med check at the clinic to do that. And sleeping regular hours again, which will come with taking the meds.
God's promise to me and Jake. HE will carry us through these dark days, through the shadow-lands, and we will keep dancing through the minefields. Together.
Now turn the music off at the bottom of the page and listen to this music right here. It touched my heart in a HUGE way today.
I have been feeling really low, not to the point where I am back to the point in the journey of my illness that it is so bad I don't even want to get out of bed, but it is getting there, and that scares me. There have been later and later nights spent awake, and more and more worrying and such anxiety and tears about things, that looking back over the last few weeks (who am I kidding the last few months), mean so little. I know this:
You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
So I know that my tears mean something, I get that, but right now, entering that pit again, those tears just feel so empty.
So here I am laying myself out for the world to see. Broken. Empty. Stumbling. Admitting that I can't do this alone, oh believe me I have tried, I DO try, but it always ends up back to this point. I get full of myself, feeling better, loving life (on the meds) that I think I don't need anything, any meds, to help me hold my head up and keep me from throwing things at Jake's head.
So I stopped taking them awhile back, it's been a few months now; thinking that I could and would do better without them this time. I did it for a lot of reasons. A lot of excuses really. But really I think that I am still so afraid of being judged by others, of being labeled: Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. Anxiety attack girl. Yup, that's me. So afraid that I just gave up on myself really. I let myself fall back down here, and now I need help back up again.
Yes. I need help. I said it. We need help, Jake and I. We need your prayers. My illness is wearing on my husband, I can see it. He's been having more and more sleepless nights too, worrying about me, worrying about money, and bills and everything a husband worries about. He just wants to fix it, and I know it hurts him that right now, he just can't. It makes things harder for him, and the last thing he needs, especially now while in school is to have all of this extra crap piled on him.
He can only handle so much and then he's just done, not with me, just done with trying to help fix me, trying to make me feel better about me. Done. Trust me, I get it. If the situation was reversed and it was him going through it, I would have been done, and stopped caring a long time ago, and as ashamed as I am to admit that, that's saying something. I know what I put him through on a daily basis and I know that it's not easy. At all. I know sometimes he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away, run even, because I know that I am a lot to deal with.
But he doesn't. He doesn't do any of that. He's a strong man and I know for certain that God put him in my life because He knew I needed someone that could handle me. All of me. At my best, and my worst. I know he really loves me. I don't know many other people that could handle the moods swings, and yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing of inanimate objects at one's head. He does it. Everyday. Thank you God!
So now it's time again. Time for the meds. Gotta go get a med check at the clinic to do that. And sleeping regular hours again, which will come with taking the meds.
God's promise to me and Jake. HE will carry us through these dark days, through the shadow-lands, and we will keep dancing through the minefields. Together.
Now turn the music off at the bottom of the page and listen to this music right here. It touched my heart in a HUGE way today.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Conversations with God
Today, well lately I have been feeling really down. Down and out. I am really trying to not be in one of those things where I am feeling "sorry for myself" but I am having a really hard time with that lately. It seems things here are getting harder by the day. Jake and I really don't spend time together lately where we're not talking about money and finances, school, jobs, how we're going to afford to get groceries this week, amongst a list of things that seem to be building up around us.
These things usually end up with us having an argument about something, and I hate that.
I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be able to spend the time with him and just be together, not worrying, not wondering why? or how? or when? I just want to be able to be in those moments with him, those moments that I SO cherish, because I know this time, in our lives is not forever. I have to keep reminding myself that we are in a season in our lives that is not easy, that things are not coming easy for us, but that we are always and constantly being provided for, by the Grace of God we are getting through.
I know people are praying for us, thinking of us and helping us out in all sorts of ways that none of the CRAP should matter. But it does. It weighs heavy on my heart, and it is really hard for me to just let it be, just let it go and let God have control over it. I think it's because I am constantly trying to tell God what I want, and not letting him just do His thing, when He is OBVIOUSLY very capable thankyouverymuch.
Some "Conversations" I've had with God lately:
Conversation #1:
Me: But everyone is having babies, why can't I have one too! I just want to be a momma to someone and it's not fair! Why are you breaking my heart this way?! I want this so much, why aren't you helping me out here, I mean throw me a bone or something!
God: Yeah, I got this. In my time.
Me: No, you obviously don't get it! Breaking. MY. Heart.
God: I HOLD your heart. In my time.
Conversation #2:
Me: Why can't you just give us the money we need so we don't have to worry about where our next meal/rent/gasinthecar/electric bill/etc. is going to come from?!
God: I always provide.
Me: But, no really, seriously, why can't you just show me the money!?? I am so anxious and stressed out here, don't you see this isn't good for my health?
God: I always provide. Do not worry, I got this (aka: I am in control).
Obviously those conversations with God didn't work out the way I had in mind, but I knew He was right. About everything.
I can tell God what I want and need and want (yes I realize I said that one twice), until I am blue in the face, but I always come back down to earth and back to reality and realize that it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what God wants for me and Jake, and He knows what's best for us, even when we think we know better. We just need to have the patience (He knows I have problems with this one), and let Him have the upper hand, to have the control over our hearts and minds, and well, our LIVES.
This is a hard one for me because if you know me at all, you know I am STUBBORN with a capital "S". I want what I want and I have been known to whine and beg and plead. Let me tell you, that hasn't worked out so well with God. I know He knows what's best for me and Jake and I know it's in HIS time, not OUR time. I am learning patience. I am growing through GRACE. We are giving it ALL (time, money, circumstances, tears, laughter, love, the list could go on), to GOD.
This is our prayer:
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have
Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
-Josh Wilson
These things usually end up with us having an argument about something, and I hate that.
I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be able to spend the time with him and just be together, not worrying, not wondering why? or how? or when? I just want to be able to be in those moments with him, those moments that I SO cherish, because I know this time, in our lives is not forever. I have to keep reminding myself that we are in a season in our lives that is not easy, that things are not coming easy for us, but that we are always and constantly being provided for, by the Grace of God we are getting through.
I know people are praying for us, thinking of us and helping us out in all sorts of ways that none of the CRAP should matter. But it does. It weighs heavy on my heart, and it is really hard for me to just let it be, just let it go and let God have control over it. I think it's because I am constantly trying to tell God what I want, and not letting him just do His thing, when He is OBVIOUSLY very capable thankyouverymuch.
Some "Conversations" I've had with God lately:
Conversation #1:
Me: But everyone is having babies, why can't I have one too! I just want to be a momma to someone and it's not fair! Why are you breaking my heart this way?! I want this so much, why aren't you helping me out here, I mean throw me a bone or something!
God: Yeah, I got this. In my time.
Me: No, you obviously don't get it! Breaking. MY. Heart.
God: I HOLD your heart. In my time.
Conversation #2:
Me: Why can't you just give us the money we need so we don't have to worry about where our next meal/rent/gasinthecar/electric bill/etc. is going to come from?!
God: I always provide.
Me: But, no really, seriously, why can't you just show me the money!?? I am so anxious and stressed out here, don't you see this isn't good for my health?
God: I always provide. Do not worry, I got this (aka: I am in control).
Obviously those conversations with God didn't work out the way I had in mind, but I knew He was right. About everything.
I can tell God what I want and need and want (yes I realize I said that one twice), until I am blue in the face, but I always come back down to earth and back to reality and realize that it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what God wants for me and Jake, and He knows what's best for us, even when we think we know better. We just need to have the patience (He knows I have problems with this one), and let Him have the upper hand, to have the control over our hearts and minds, and well, our LIVES.
This is a hard one for me because if you know me at all, you know I am STUBBORN with a capital "S". I want what I want and I have been known to whine and beg and plead. Let me tell you, that hasn't worked out so well with God. I know He knows what's best for me and Jake and I know it's in HIS time, not OUR time. I am learning patience. I am growing through GRACE. We are giving it ALL (time, money, circumstances, tears, laughter, love, the list could go on), to GOD.
This is our prayer:
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have
Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
-Josh Wilson
Monday, January 17, 2011
Fresh Start, the Year of Grace
Hello everybody and welcome to the New Year!
I know I am a little late in saying that, but things around here have been busy, well, I guess it's felt that way, I don't know if I really am, maybe more like "putting things off." I have a great habit of doing that. ::insert sarcasm here:: So anyway, here I am off andRunning, walking, tripping, no, more like schlumping into the new year.
Fabulous. Not really how I was hoping to start the "grand kickoff" to my weight loss, amongst other goals I have set for myself this year. (No New Year's resolutions for me, I have changed my mindset), and instead have decided upon goals, I make resolutions every year, usually the same ones and they never come to be, let alone even started. This year my goals are these ( In no particular order, because they are all important to me):
1. Lose weight, get healthier so I can go in to my (gasp!) 30th year of life with more energy and focus and more loving me!
2. Become more organized. Trust me I have the best intentions when it comes to this, but somehow it always veers off course.
3. Keep the apartment "tidy." This by no means means spotless. It is nice when that happens, but right now I am to the point where I have to stop kicking myself when it doesn't look "perfect" whatever that means. To me as long as I can pick up after myself and keep the dishes out of the sink and the laundry from piling up half way up the wall, I will call that a success and keep going from there.
4. Look for a second job, or a full time job. I love my job at the Pier, but I need more hours, so I am just praying for another fitting part time job, or a full time job doing something that I love!
5. Sell my photographs. I have an account all set up, I think it's just a fear of failure or lack of people "loving" what I do that makes me scared to do it, but I am going to face that fear, put myself out there and just roll with it!
6. I want to learn how to knit. I want to make scarves, and socks and cute little baby things, and NO that is NOT a hint about anything. Trust me. Not happening. Yet.
7. Make more time for my husband. I am going to be praying for him every day.
8. Take my medication every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to take it because I am "better" but trust me, I need to take it. I am not better. I make excuses and I have been having headaches lately because I need to go for a Med Check at the Mental Health Clinic in order to renew my meds and I have been putting it off. Laziness really, no other excuses, and the fact that I think I am okay. Yeah, right. So I have to take care of that, and then go from there.
I love fresh starts, the chance to start anew and begin again, it's a GRACE in my life I cannot do without. I have to accept the GRACE, and keep moving forward. I think that is one of the biggest challenges in my life. Not beating myself up when something doesn't go MY way. I am still learning that lesson, to let go and let God, to accept his GRACE even when I feel like I am a loser and have let Him down, again. Big surprise, what's new right?
I think that might even be the most "important" goal on my list. To really let God in, allow him to move me and show me what He wants for me, for Jake for US in our lives. We are searching, we are listening, we are striving now we just have to give God that space, to accept His forgiveness, the fullness of Him and his Grace, and let Him lead us where He wants us to be. Whether that is reaching our goals we have set for ourselves, facing new challenges or just being present in every moment, of every day.
We know God is guiding us, we just have to give up the stubborn beings we are and let Him do it! I have a habit of thinking I know "better" than God what I need in my life and so I tell Him how it's going to be! Yeah, that doesn't work so well, it has NOT been working so well. This year is the time I allow it to be up to God. To Take my life and let it be, for Him!
So, here's to fresh starts, new beginnings, a Genesis, accepting Grace and letting God take over.
I know I am a little late in saying that, but things around here have been busy, well, I guess it's felt that way, I don't know if I really am, maybe more like "putting things off." I have a great habit of doing that. ::insert sarcasm here:: So anyway, here I am off and
Fabulous. Not really how I was hoping to start the "grand kickoff" to my weight loss, amongst other goals I have set for myself this year. (No New Year's resolutions for me, I have changed my mindset), and instead have decided upon goals, I make resolutions every year, usually the same ones and they never come to be, let alone even started. This year my goals are these ( In no particular order, because they are all important to me):
1. Lose weight, get healthier so I can go in to my (gasp!) 30th year of life with more energy and focus and more loving me!
2. Become more organized. Trust me I have the best intentions when it comes to this, but somehow it always veers off course.
3. Keep the apartment "tidy." This by no means means spotless. It is nice when that happens, but right now I am to the point where I have to stop kicking myself when it doesn't look "perfect" whatever that means. To me as long as I can pick up after myself and keep the dishes out of the sink and the laundry from piling up half way up the wall, I will call that a success and keep going from there.
4. Look for a second job, or a full time job. I love my job at the Pier, but I need more hours, so I am just praying for another fitting part time job, or a full time job doing something that I love!
5. Sell my photographs. I have an account all set up, I think it's just a fear of failure or lack of people "loving" what I do that makes me scared to do it, but I am going to face that fear, put myself out there and just roll with it!
6. I want to learn how to knit. I want to make scarves, and socks and cute little baby things, and NO that is NOT a hint about anything. Trust me. Not happening. Yet.
7. Make more time for my husband. I am going to be praying for him every day.
8. Take my medication every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to take it because I am "better" but trust me, I need to take it. I am not better. I make excuses and I have been having headaches lately because I need to go for a Med Check at the Mental Health Clinic in order to renew my meds and I have been putting it off. Laziness really, no other excuses, and the fact that I think I am okay. Yeah, right. So I have to take care of that, and then go from there.
I love fresh starts, the chance to start anew and begin again, it's a GRACE in my life I cannot do without. I have to accept the GRACE, and keep moving forward. I think that is one of the biggest challenges in my life. Not beating myself up when something doesn't go MY way. I am still learning that lesson, to let go and let God, to accept his GRACE even when I feel like I am a loser and have let Him down, again. Big surprise, what's new right?
I think that might even be the most "important" goal on my list. To really let God in, allow him to move me and show me what He wants for me, for Jake for US in our lives. We are searching, we are listening, we are striving now we just have to give God that space, to accept His forgiveness, the fullness of Him and his Grace, and let Him lead us where He wants us to be. Whether that is reaching our goals we have set for ourselves, facing new challenges or just being present in every moment, of every day.
We know God is guiding us, we just have to give up the stubborn beings we are and let Him do it! I have a habit of thinking I know "better" than God what I need in my life and so I tell Him how it's going to be! Yeah, that doesn't work so well, it has NOT been working so well. This year is the time I allow it to be up to God. To Take my life and let it be, for Him!
So, here's to fresh starts, new beginnings, a Genesis, accepting Grace and letting God take over.
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