These things usually end up with us having an argument about something, and I hate that.
I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be able to spend the time with him and just be together, not worrying, not wondering why? or how? or when? I just want to be able to be in those moments with him, those moments that I SO cherish, because I know this time, in our lives is not forever. I have to keep reminding myself that we are in a season in our lives that is not easy, that things are not coming easy for us, but that we are always and constantly being provided for, by the Grace of God we are getting through.
I know people are praying for us, thinking of us and helping us out in all sorts of ways that none of the CRAP should matter. But it does. It weighs heavy on my heart, and it is really hard for me to just let it be, just let it go and let God have control over it. I think it's because I am constantly trying to tell God what I want, and not letting him just do His thing, when He is OBVIOUSLY very capable thankyouverymuch.
Some "Conversations" I've had with God lately:
Conversation #1:
Me: But everyone is having babies, why can't I have one too! I just want to be a momma to someone and it's not fair! Why are you breaking my heart this way?! I want this so much, why aren't you helping me out here, I mean throw me a bone or something!
God: Yeah, I got this. In my time.
Me: No, you obviously don't get it! Breaking. MY. Heart.
God: I HOLD your heart. In my time.
Conversation #2:
Me: Why can't you just give us the money we need so we don't have to worry about where our next meal/rent/gasinthecar/electric bill/etc. is going to come from?!
God: I always provide.
Me: But, no really, seriously, why can't you just show me the money!?? I am so anxious and stressed out here, don't you see this isn't good for my health?
God: I always provide. Do not worry, I got this (aka: I am in control).
Obviously those conversations with God didn't work out the way I had in mind, but I knew He was right. About everything.
I can tell God what I want and need and want (yes I realize I said that one twice), until I am blue in the face, but I always come back down to earth and back to reality and realize that it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what God wants for me and Jake, and He knows what's best for us, even when we think we know better. We just need to have the patience (He knows I have problems with this one), and let Him have the upper hand, to have the control over our hearts and minds, and well, our LIVES.
This is a hard one for me because if you know me at all, you know I am STUBBORN with a capital "S". I want what I want and I have been known to whine and beg and plead. Let me tell you, that hasn't worked out so well with God. I know He knows what's best for me and Jake and I know it's in HIS time, not OUR time. I am learning patience. I am growing through GRACE. We are giving it ALL (time, money, circumstances, tears, laughter, love, the list could go on), to GOD.
This is our prayer:
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last
I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me
Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have
Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me
-Josh Wilson
