Dancing in the Minefields, in the Shadowlands

Today I am feeling like there are bombs being thrown at me, and Jake and at our marriage. So many bills piling up, so little money, need gas in the truck, there is no money. So much worry. So much time spent fighting, throwing bombs at each other. We are in the minefields people. Big time.

I have been feeling really low, not to the point where I am back to the point in the journey of my illness that it is so bad I don't even want to get out of bed, but it is getting there, and that scares me. There have been later and later nights spent awake, and more and more worrying and such anxiety and tears about things, that looking back over the last few weeks (who am I kidding the last few months), mean so little. I know this:

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)

So I know that my tears mean something, I get that, but right now, entering that pit again, those tears just feel so empty.

So here I am laying myself out for the world to see. Broken. Empty. Stumbling. Admitting that I can't do this alone, oh believe me I have tried, I DO try, but it always ends up back to this point. I get full of myself, feeling better, loving life (on the meds) that I think I don't need anything, any meds, to help me hold my head up and keep me from throwing things at Jake's head.

So I stopped taking them awhile back, it's been a few months now; thinking that I could and would do better without them this time. I did it for a lot of reasons. A lot of excuses really. But really I think that I am still so afraid of being judged by others, of being labeled: Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. Anxiety attack girl. Yup, that's me. So afraid that I just gave up on myself really. I let myself fall back down here, and now I need help back up again.

Yes. I need help. I said it. We need help, Jake and I. We need your prayers. My illness is wearing on my husband, I can see it. He's been having more and more sleepless nights too, worrying about me, worrying about money, and bills and everything a husband worries about. He just wants to fix it, and I know it hurts him that right now, he just can't. It makes things harder for him, and the last thing he needs, especially now while in school is to have all of this extra crap piled on him.

He can only handle so much and then he's just done, not with me, just done with trying to help fix me, trying to make me feel better about me. Done. Trust me, I get it. If the situation was reversed and it was him going through it, I would have been done, and stopped caring a long time ago, and as ashamed as I am to admit that, that's saying something. I know what I put him through on a daily basis and I know that it's not easy. At all. I know sometimes he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away, run even, because I know that I am a lot to deal with.

But he doesn't. He doesn't do any of that. He's a strong man and I know for certain that God put him in my life because He knew I needed someone that could handle me. All of me. At my best, and my worst. I know he really loves me. I don't know many other people that could handle the moods swings, and yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing of inanimate objects at one's head. He does it. Everyday. Thank you God!

So now it's time again. Time for the meds. Gotta go get a med check at the clinic to do that. And sleeping regular hours again, which will come with taking the meds.

God's promise to me and Jake. HE will carry us through these dark days, through the shadow-lands, and we will keep dancing through the minefields. Together.



Now turn the music off at the bottom of the page and listen to this music right here. It touched my heart in a HUGE way today.

Conversations with God

Today, well lately I have been feeling really down. Down and out. I am really trying to not be in one of those things where I am feeling "sorry for myself" but I am having a really hard time with that lately. It seems things here are getting harder by the day. Jake and I really don't spend time together lately where we're not talking about money and finances, school, jobs, how we're going to afford to get groceries this week, amongst a list of things that seem to be building up around us.

These things usually end up with us having an argument about something, and I hate that.

I don't want to argue with my husband. I want to be able to spend the time with him and just be together, not worrying, not wondering why? or how? or when? I just want to be able to be in those moments with him, those moments that I SO cherish, because I know this time, in our lives is not forever. I have to keep reminding myself that we are in a season in our lives that is not easy, that things are not coming easy for us, but that we are always and constantly being provided for, by the Grace of God we are getting through.

I know people are praying for us, thinking of us and helping us out in all sorts of ways that none of the CRAP should matter. But it does. It weighs heavy on my heart, and it is really hard for me to just let it be, just let it go and let God have control over it. I think it's because I am constantly trying to tell God what I want, and not letting him just do His thing, when He is OBVIOUSLY very capable thankyouverymuch.

Some "Conversations" I've had with God lately:

Conversation #1:

Me: But everyone is having babies, why can't I have one too! I just want to be a momma to someone and it's not fair! Why are you breaking my heart this way?! I want this so much, why aren't you helping me out here, I mean throw me a bone or something!

God: Yeah, I got this. In my time.

Me: No, you obviously don't get it! Breaking. MY. Heart.

God: I HOLD your heart. In my time.

Conversation #2:

Me: Why can't you just give us the money we need so we don't have to worry about where our next meal/rent/gasinthecar/electric bill/etc. is going to come from?!

God: I always provide.

Me: But, no really, seriously, why can't you just show me the money!?? I am so anxious and stressed out here, don't you see this isn't good for my health?

God: I always provide. Do not worry, I got this (aka: I am in control).

Obviously those conversations with God didn't work out the way I had in mind, but I knew He was right. About everything.

I can tell God what I want and need and want (yes I realize I said that one twice), until I am blue in the face, but I always come back down to earth and back to reality and realize that it doesn't matter what I want. What matters is what God wants for me and Jake, and He knows what's best for us, even when we think we know better. We just need to have the patience (He knows I have problems with this one), and let Him have the upper hand, to have the control over our hearts and minds, and well, our LIVES.

This is a hard one for me because if you know me at all, you know I am STUBBORN with a capital "S". I want what I want and I have been known to whine and beg and plead. Let me tell you, that hasn't worked out so well with God. I know He knows what's best for me and Jake and I know it's in HIS time, not OUR time. I am learning patience. I am growing through GRACE. We are giving it ALL (time, money, circumstances, tears, laughter, love, the list could go on), to GOD.

This is our prayer:


Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last


I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

-Josh Wilson

Fresh Start, the Year of Grace

Hello everybody and welcome to the New Year!

I know I am a little late in saying that, but things around here have been busy, well, I guess it's felt that way, I don't know if I really am, maybe more like "putting things off." I have a great habit of doing that. ::insert sarcasm here:: So anyway, here I am off and Running, walking, tripping, no, more like schlumping into the new year.

Fabulous. Not really how I was hoping to start the "grand kickoff" to my weight loss, amongst other goals I have set for myself this year. (No New Year's resolutions for me, I have changed my mindset), and instead have decided upon goals, I make resolutions every year, usually the same ones and they never come to be, let alone even started. This year my goals are these ( In no particular order, because they are all important to me):

1. Lose weight, get healthier so I can go in to my (gasp!) 30th year of life with more energy and focus and more loving me!

2. Become more organized. Trust me I have the best intentions when it comes to this, but somehow it always veers off course.

3. Keep the apartment "tidy." This by no means means spotless. It is nice when that happens, but right now I am to the point where I have to stop kicking myself when it doesn't look "perfect" whatever that means. To me as long as I can pick up after myself and keep the dishes out of the sink and the laundry from piling up half way up the wall, I will call that a success and keep going from there.

4. Look for a second job, or a full time job. I love my job at the Pier, but I need more hours, so I am just praying for another fitting part time job, or a full time job doing something that I love!

5. Sell my photographs. I have an account all set up, I think it's just a fear of failure or lack of people "loving" what I do that makes me scared to do it, but I am going to face that fear, put myself out there and just roll with it!

6. I want to learn how to knit. I want to make scarves, and socks and cute little baby things, and NO that is NOT a hint about anything. Trust me. Not happening. Yet.

7. Make more time for my husband. I am going to be praying for him every day.

8. Take my medication every day. Sometimes I feel like I don't need to take it because I am "better" but trust me, I need to take it. I am not better. I make excuses and I have been having headaches lately because I need to go for a Med Check at the Mental Health Clinic in order to renew my meds and I have been putting it off. Laziness really, no other excuses, and the fact that I think I am okay. Yeah, right. So I have to take care of that, and then go from there.

I love fresh starts, the chance to start anew and begin again, it's a GRACE in my life I cannot do without. I have to accept the GRACE, and keep moving forward. I think that is one of the biggest challenges in my life. Not beating myself up when something doesn't go MY way. I am still learning that lesson, to let go and let God, to accept his GRACE even when I feel like I am a loser and have let Him down, again. Big surprise, what's new right?

I think that might even be the most "important" goal on my list. To really let God in, allow him to move me and show me what He wants for me, for Jake for US in our lives. We are searching, we are listening, we are striving now we just have to give God that space, to accept His forgiveness, the fullness of Him and his Grace, and let Him lead us where He wants us to be. Whether that is reaching our goals we have set for ourselves, facing new challenges or just being present in every moment, of every day.

We know God is guiding us, we just have to give up the stubborn beings we are and let Him do it! I have a habit of thinking I know "better" than God what I need in my life and so I tell Him how it's going to be! Yeah, that doesn't work so well, it has NOT been working so well. This year is the time I allow it to be up to God. To Take my life and let it be, for Him!

So, here's to fresh starts, new beginnings, a Genesis, accepting Grace and letting God take over.