Almost there

It's been a whirlwind, these last couple months. I have gone from a job I loved working at, with people I loved working with, and having to commute 1 hour a day; to a job I love more, with people that are amazing, and I only commute 20 minutes, both ways. It is truly an answer to prayer. A lot of prayers. A job that came with benefits and using gifts that God gave me long ago that I hadn't yet been able to put to use. Well, good use.

It's amazing and crazy to me how things can change so quickly, yet through it all God is there, every step of the way. He's already orchestrated this all so clearly, now I am just following His leading.

It's been a bit of a rough couple weeks for me, my anxiety has been mounting; (I am in the process of getting my meds re-worked), and all because of one thing. I have been staying up late, sleeping in, and wanting it to go away, this thing, that just keeps looming at me over the horizon, creeping closer and closer, and finally it will be here tomorrow.

My 30th Birthday.

30 years of life.

I used to think 30 was old.

That by now I'd have accomplished and done so much more in my life, I'd have 3 or 4 kids running around and enjoying time as a family. We'd be living in a house, with a beautiful garden that I would plant and maintain, and grow. Just living life and loving every moment. I would be healthier more fit and taking better care of myself. Jake would be done with school, we'd be financially at peace, and just enjoying time together. Ahhhh.......yes. No.

I want that. All those things. Jake to be done with school, kids, a house, a garden to tend to, better health. That's where the anxiety, the evil part comes in. Sneaks into the back of my mind and whispers "see you haven't done any of that, all of those plans you had, you HAVE NOTHING to show for your life!" And I think that's what did me in these past few weeks. I let the bad, the evil creep in and really get me down.

I'll be honest here. There was a night that was so bad, I just couldn't stop crying, and everything Jake said set me off, and made everything worse. I couldn't explain it away, or even wish it away, the anxiety, the sadness, it was full force. Hard core. I promised myself I would never be that way again, and I didn't want it to start all over before I was about to celebrate one of the "big birthdays", in my life. I do NOT want that darkness slithering it's way back into my life. Not like it was, not like before. NEVER again like before. All Jake could do was hold me and let me cry. I have an amazing husband, but that's another story.

So today, the day before my 30th birthday I have realized something.

This is where I am supposed to be in my life. Right here. In this moment, in these moments. I will not try to wish away all the blessings poured out on me every day, all the love and prayers sent my way from friends and family and even perfect strangers. I am here, and I truly believe where God wants me to be. I may not have what I want, but I do know that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows. And He is the one with the plan. He knows the desires of my heart, to be a healthy, loving, wife and momma, with a garden to grow the beauty of the earth. To be a better friend and wife, sister and daughter. To show more love to those around me. To love myself more, and more. To grow in His Grace. To be open to all the blessings in my life, even the ones I think are "too small."

I have been blessed more than I ever realized in these past 30 years of my life.
He has pulled me out of the darkness, out of the pit. There is a reason I am here. He's showing me that path, guiding me down it every day. I am praising God for 30 years on this earth, and trusting Him to guide me into all the rest of the unknown years of my life.

Happy 30th Birthday to Me!

A Bright Sunshin-ey Day

A few of the signs of new beginnings, warmth, and the hope of each new day. Given to us. Praise God!

Enjoy.

Dancing in the Minefields, in the Shadowlands

Today I am feeling like there are bombs being thrown at me, and Jake and at our marriage. So many bills piling up, so little money, need gas in the truck, there is no money. So much worry. So much time spent fighting, throwing bombs at each other. We are in the minefields people. Big time.

I have been feeling really low, not to the point where I am back to the point in the journey of my illness that it is so bad I don't even want to get out of bed, but it is getting there, and that scares me. There have been later and later nights spent awake, and more and more worrying and such anxiety and tears about things, that looking back over the last few weeks (who am I kidding the last few months), mean so little. I know this:

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)

So I know that my tears mean something, I get that, but right now, entering that pit again, those tears just feel so empty.

So here I am laying myself out for the world to see. Broken. Empty. Stumbling. Admitting that I can't do this alone, oh believe me I have tried, I DO try, but it always ends up back to this point. I get full of myself, feeling better, loving life (on the meds) that I think I don't need anything, any meds, to help me hold my head up and keep me from throwing things at Jake's head.

So I stopped taking them awhile back, it's been a few months now; thinking that I could and would do better without them this time. I did it for a lot of reasons. A lot of excuses really. But really I think that I am still so afraid of being judged by others, of being labeled: Bi-polar. Manic Depressive. Anxiety attack girl. Yup, that's me. So afraid that I just gave up on myself really. I let myself fall back down here, and now I need help back up again.

Yes. I need help. I said it. We need help, Jake and I. We need your prayers. My illness is wearing on my husband, I can see it. He's been having more and more sleepless nights too, worrying about me, worrying about money, and bills and everything a husband worries about. He just wants to fix it, and I know it hurts him that right now, he just can't. It makes things harder for him, and the last thing he needs, especially now while in school is to have all of this extra crap piled on him.

He can only handle so much and then he's just done, not with me, just done with trying to help fix me, trying to make me feel better about me. Done. Trust me, I get it. If the situation was reversed and it was him going through it, I would have been done, and stopped caring a long time ago, and as ashamed as I am to admit that, that's saying something. I know what I put him through on a daily basis and I know that it's not easy. At all. I know sometimes he wants to just throw his hands up and walk away, run even, because I know that I am a lot to deal with.

But he doesn't. He doesn't do any of that. He's a strong man and I know for certain that God put him in my life because He knew I needed someone that could handle me. All of me. At my best, and my worst. I know he really loves me. I don't know many other people that could handle the moods swings, and yelling, screaming, crying, and throwing of inanimate objects at one's head. He does it. Everyday. Thank you God!

So now it's time again. Time for the meds. Gotta go get a med check at the clinic to do that. And sleeping regular hours again, which will come with taking the meds.

God's promise to me and Jake. HE will carry us through these dark days, through the shadow-lands, and we will keep dancing through the minefields. Together.



Now turn the music off at the bottom of the page and listen to this music right here. It touched my heart in a HUGE way today.