The Big Picture

It's been a long time since I updated you on what is going on at the Boden household.
In my last entry I talked about going to see the nurse at the Richmond Center here in Ames to get some medications to hopefully help me and my brain function more "normally."
I had gotten a phone call a week or so previously and a letter in the mail stating that "All of your charges will be taken care of and paid for, you have qualified for this assistance." An answer to prayer, something that I hoped for but never thought it would happen. To me in meant I was doing the right thing for me, something good to help me, and I was going to be able to get the help that I needed and not worry about paying for the services I would receive with what little money we have.

At that meeting I got weighed (whoopie!) and measured, had to fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms. This was like a check "yes" or "no" and listed symptoms for depression, anxiety, bipolar, manic, and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

I went into the nurses office, I was so nervous, I don't know why, everyone there was so nice, what did I expect? But I was scared. She went over the list of symptoms with me and asked me some questions about "Why are you here today? and How can we help you?" So I explained what was going on, what had been going on, and I broke down and started crying. Embarrassed, yes slightly, but also relieved at the same time. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar-depression with anxiety.

Excuse me, what did you just say? Depression and anxiety I knew, I could handle those, I was ready to face them head on, but I was totally slapped in the face by the bipolar diagnoses. I was in shock.

I was given a list of meds to try and come back in a month, and oh yeah I needed to set up an appointment to see a therapist. Wow. Um, okay. But I was going with the flow because I knew I needed to, this was the only way I was going to keep from completely falling off the deep end.

I got in my car and drove home trying to process what just happened. Did she really say Bipolar?? I was so confused and my heart was aching. I got home and Jake was sitting on the couch. "So, how'd it go?" he asked "What did they say?" And I told him, and starting crying again. He just came over and hugged me and said "It'll be alright, we'll work through this."

Fast forward the beginning of March. I went back for my monthly med-check and got weighed. Again. We talked, I was prescribed more meds because I still wasn't sleeping normally, and I made an appointment to get seen by a therapist there. Her name is June.

I met with June and we talked about a lot of things. Most notably how would I know when I was ready to be "DONE" with therapy. I threw some things out there, and the words "normal, whatever that means" came out. She asked me to explain.

What is normal really? Well for me it's living a happier more fulfilled life, being able to function on a daily basis to do everyday mundane tasks that some people may take for granted, but that I have to make myself do. I must force myself to do these things or they just don't get done. It's like there's a switch in my head that makes me want to NOT do these things like dishes and laundry and taking a shower more than once a week, I can always find an excuse, always think of something else to be doing that is "more important" then my own hygiene. June asked "So, what's more important than taking a shower?" I laughed and said "well, when you put it that way it just sounds silly!" I want to be able to enjoy the everyday things in my life again. I don't feel "normal" without them.

Its hard to even write that, trust me, in no way am I proud of these things, but in order for me to be more "normal" I need to do these things and do them for the betterment of myself; not only mentally, but physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. All of these aspects of my life suffer if I allow myself to slack off because I just don't care, and trust me, I do mean all of them.

Because of this I now I have a visual reminder hanging on my bathroom mirror that says: "What is more important than taking a shower?" I can smile when I see it now, because it's a small reminder of everything else I want and need to do in and with my life.

I am setting goals. Small goals, attainable goals, things I can be proud of for myself to accomplish. I know I have to start somewhere. The meds are going good. I am feeling better but I still have my bad days. Today was one of those days, but now I am better able to tolerate things because I got pointed in the right direction. One step at a time.

In my daily devotional from Sunday it reads:

It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day" (NIV). One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You'll see God's purpose behind the path He specifically chose for you.

What do I do in the meantime? You do what Proverbs 3 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." What does He mean "don't lean on your own understanding"? You don't need to try to figure it out. In truth, you're not going to understand most of the things that happen in your life until you get to heaven.

Be patient. God knows what He's doing. God knows what's best for you. He can see the end result. You can't. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays -- all the things that make you ask "why" -- one day it will all be clear in the light of God's love.

But for now, we're learning to trust God.

Getting through

Just wanted to update on somethings that have going on around the Boden household this past month.

Jake started classes again at ISU the middle of the month and has been staying busy with that. They have had some "competitions" in some of the engineering classes he is in and his group has won both times and gotten some small "prizes" but still the satisfaction is great! He is enjoying school and even though it is not easy he is doing it and we are getting there. Slowly, but surely.

He has also been busy at work with all of the snow we're having. He works for a small trucking company that in the winter time moves A LOT of snow, especially is the case with this winter! It's nice because he makes a little more money doing that, but the hours are NOT so nice as often it is the middle of the night. While the hours were not such a big deal over Christmas break, right now it makes it harder, especially with school, so he has to make it work the best he can and so far it is going okay.

Please pray for this situation. His job is a blessing, especially with me not currently working but this also puts more stress on him, as a husband, as a provider. Please pray for strength.

I started working out and eating "healthy" in the hopes of dropping some weight and getting healthier, also Jake's brother is getting married in the Fall, so I want to look good in pictures, so that is definitely helping with the goal of losing weight. So far I have lost 4 pounds, so that is great in my book! I am moving in the right direction when it comes to my health, and I am feeling better about myself because of it.
I recently went to the Richmond Center here in town, a Mental Health and Addiction clinic. I wrote in my previous blog that I was waiting on hearing back to see if I could get funded, because obviously without insurance I couldn't pay for it myself. Well I got the phone call that said I got approved, 100% so I don't have to pay anything out of pocket! That is a real answer to prayer and just proves that I am taking a step in the right direction to where I need to be, I feel I was brought to this Center for a reason. We give thanks to God for this!

So I got approved and had to set up an appointment. I called in today and the lady that is helping me with all of my paperwork and such told me that they had a cancellation for this Friday, so could I come in then? I said that I could and I am meeting with one of their R.N.'s so that I can talk about getting my meds regulated. This is the first HUGE step in getting to have a more "normal" life for me. I know the depression will always be in my life, but now I feel like I am taking some control, and there is a way out.

So one step at a time. One moment, one day, one week at a time. That is how it is going right now, and I know it will continue to go. I can get through this!

I will let you know how it goes!

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. We ask for continued prayers. Prayers for understanding for those people who are still in denial about all of this that is going on, prayer for patience, for Jake, for me, this has been really trying on marriage. Prayer for physician knowledge and that they are able to help me to the best of their ability, prayer for strength to get through this. We also ask that if you are being led to pray in another direction please do so. We can feel and see the true power of prayer everyday in our lives. We know people are continuing to lift us up and we thank God for that everyday!

God Bless!

Nikki and Jake

Looking Back to Look Forward

Haven't written in a while, you probably know why I wasn't here. I was away dealing with life and everything that has been thrown into my life. I was trying to take care of myself a little better, and by taking care of myself I don't mean working out; I mean I was busy trying to remember how to LIVE again, how to act and feel and be some semblance of a "normal" person again, no matter how feeble that attempt might be because I have never been and will never consider myself to be what the world considers "normal." I was busy trying to find that human being who I know so desperately wants to be and do so many thing, that person who had and has so many dreams for her life, where'd she go?! I have been searching high and low and yet still to no avail. She seems to have been lost in the shuffle, in the ups and downs of a life she didn't ask for and certainly never planned on, in a life that is hard for even the people that love me to completely understand. Lost in a life she would never wish on anybody, because it simply too painful, and too lonely, with too many inner demons and struggles; and nobody should have to go through any of that.

Not even me.

This depression, this anxiety, has wrapped itself around my life, embedded itself into my head and my body, and continues to wreck havoc, and cause stress and crying and self loathing. I am forever fighting with myself, in a disease I never wanted, I never asked for, and that I pray to be rescued from every day. But I have come to the realization that is not going to happen. Oh, don't get me wrong, I DO believe in miracles, in the Grace of God, I know He can deliver me from this, I HAVE the Faith, it is my middle name after all. However, I also believe that I have been "given" this disease for a reason,that there is something that God wants me to do. I believe that reason is so that I can tell other people about what is going on with me, that I can spread the awareness and make it not be such a shameful thing, such a "wrong" thing, something that is so looked down upon. I can open up my life and my mind to what is going on so that others around me can learn and hopefully be helped by even one thing that I may have to say. I have accepted this now. And no, I didn't ask for it, but I now feel like it is one of my many callings in my life.

Last week I finally decided to take some initiative and go get some more help, so that I can be that person I want to be, so that I can help more people understand, so that I can love life again, because I know that is what I want more than anything, and more than that, I NEED it. So I headed off to a Mental Health Center here in town, I registered, filled out all the necessary paper work, and now wait to hear back about getting treatment. Treatment, that I have prayed about and know that I will be covered for 100%, because I cannot afford it out of my own pocket. What kind of treatment? Well, therapy, or counseling for one. I need to talk to someone that is not "on the inside" of all of this and doesn't live it with me daily. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but he NEEDS a break from all of this too. The other thing is that I NEED to get my medications regulated. Regulated to the point where I can live my definition of a normal life. So that I can get out of bed in the morning, take a shower once in awhile, and have the energy and the motivation to work out and change my life and body. These meds are something that I know for me, despite all the exercise and endorphins coursing through my body, that I will have to take for the rest of my life in order to be human again. I have come to this realization, and I am not ashamed to admit it; because if that is what I need for myself, to take care of myself, THAT is what I am going to do. Take care of myself. This regulating of meds however, may involve me being checked into a hospital for a few days to make sure I can "tolerate" everything the way I am supposed to, and YES I am scared about that but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I feel like this is kind of the "rebirth" of me, like this is my time to do everything I wanted and needed and now, hopefully, I can get through. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I take my life by each moment sometimes, because it is all I can do to get through to the next day. Now I have a feeling, no, a knowledge, a confidence in the fact that I will be able to get through each day, to move forward, to look ahead to the new year, to this new life that I have wanted for myself for so long.