I have started to go "downhill" again. The depression is getting worse, and I feel the enemy is conspiring against me to bring me down and keep me there.
I know that something needs to change, to happen, but I am not sure what, I am kind of at a standstill. I have noticed it a while ago, but put it in the back of my mind, or out of my mind, hoping it would just go away! I mean I was feeling great, happy, full of life, why now, at one of the highest points in my life would this be happening, again.
I don't know what to do. On the one hand as much as I want things to be normal again for me, I know they never really will be. Normal for me is what I make it on a day to day basis, there are a lot of times that I must choose to be happy for that day, for that moment, because otherwise I fear it would never happen! My meds seem to be working okay, but then I think maybe I need a higher dosage, which I really don't want because then it's like I am getting worse, and I am really longing to be better, to be a more normal wife, daughter, sister, and friend to everyone around me. This is NOT fair for them, they deserve to have a happy, normal, easygoing me instead of the sad, hollow shell of me that has been walking around this planet lately.
What I do know, is that all I can do for this moment is to ask God to continue to hold me, hold my heart, and keep me close to Him, because I need that more than ever right now. He is my light in the darkness, I have witnessed this for myself, and has carried me through so many hard times (and good) in my life, even when I did not know or realize that He was there because my heart was so closed off to Him, little did I know then that He was chasing me, running after me, continuing to love and protect me, even in that darkness. I know He is still here. But right now He feels so far away.
So all I ask is for prayers. For me, for Jake, for my family and friends that they will know how to help me, what to say, and just continue to pray for understanding for people who don't understand or think that it is all in my head. For me I know that this is a battle of the heart, the mind, and the spirit. It is one of the most emotionally empty times I have ever felt in my life. I do not want to fall back into the emptiness that has been around me, lurking and waiting for me to trip back into it.
I need your prayers and covet them now more than ever.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Never Leave or Forsake
While reading my daily devotional, this is what I came across that really touched my heart. Especially in light of everything that I deal with on a daily basis and all the times I felt like God was so far away. It really made sense, and I never really thought of it this way before, but I understand so much better now why I went through the things I did and even in my darkest times He was still there, holding my heart.
“The Lord has hidden Himself from His people, but I trust Him and place my hope in Him” (Isaiah 8:17 TEV).
It is easy to worship God when things are going great in your life—when He has provided food, friends, family, health, and happy situations. But circumstances are not always pleasant. How do you worship God then? What do you do when God seems a million miles away?
The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting Him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving Him when He seems distant.
Friendships are often tested by separation and silence; you are divided by physical distance or you are unable to talk. In your friendship with God, you won’t always feel close to Him.
Philip Yancey has wisely noted, “Any relationship involves times of closeness and times of distance, and in a relationship with God, no matter how intimate, the pendulum will swing from one side to the other” (Reaching for the Invisible God, Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000; 242).
That’s when worship gets difficult.
To mature your friendship, God will test it with periods of seeming separation—times when it feels as if He has abandoned or forgotten you—when He feels a million miles away. St. John of the Cross referred to these days of spiritual dryness, doubt, and estrangement from God as “the dark night of the soul.” Henri Nouwen called them “the ministry of absence.” A. W. Tozer called them “the ministry of the night.” Others refer to “the winter of the heart.”
Besides Jesus, David probably had the closest friendship with God of anyone. God took pleasure in calling him “a man after My own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14; Acts 13:22).
Yet David frequently complained of God’s apparent absence:
• “Lord, why are You standing aloof and far away? Why do You hide when I need You the most?” (Psalm 10:1 LB).
• “Why have You forsaken me? Why do You remain so distant? Why do You ignore my cries for help?” (Psalm 22:1 NLT).
• “Why have You abandoned me?” (Psalm 43:2 TEV; see also Psalm 44:23 TEV; Psalm 88:14 MSG; Psalm 89:49 LB).
Of course, God hadn’t really left David, and He doesn’t leave you. He has promised repeatedly, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:8; Psalm 37:28; John 14:16–18; Hebrews 13:5).
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thought for my Day
I'll fill you in on what I've been up to later, as promised weeks ago I think. I apologize for that. I will try and blog again this weekend. Thanks for reading!
