Even when I feel abandoned, I can.

This was my morning devotional the day after I wrote the last entry in this blog. Thanks be to God, Praise God! For even in my storm I can raise my hands and worship him!


“Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made him share our sin in order that in union with him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust Him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way.

Remember what God has already done for you. If God never did anything else for you, He would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God’s Son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship.

Unfortunately, we forget the cruel details of the agonizing sacrifice God made on our behalf. Familiarity breeds complacency. Even before His crucifixion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with thorns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heartless men, He was treated worse than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While His lifeblood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of His pain and challenging His claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind’s sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Jesus could have saved himself—but then He could not have saved you.

Words cannot describe the darkness of that moment. Why did God allow and endure such ghastly, evil mistreatment? Why? So you could be spared from eternity in hell, and so you could share in His glory forever! The Bible says, “Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made Him share our sin in order that in union with Him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

Jesus gave up everything so you could have everything. He died so you could live forever. That alone is worthy of your continual thanks and praise. Never again should you wonder what you have to be thankful for.

Need Your Prayers, Covet them

I have started to go "downhill" again. The depression is getting worse, and I feel the enemy is conspiring against me to bring me down and keep me there.
I know that something needs to change, to happen, but I am not sure what, I am kind of at a standstill. I have noticed it a while ago, but put it in the back of my mind, or out of my mind, hoping it would just go away! I mean I was feeling great, happy, full of life, why now, at one of the highest points in my life would this be happening, again.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand as much as I want things to be normal again for me, I know they never really will be. Normal for me is what I make it on a day to day basis, there are a lot of times that I must choose to be happy for that day, for that moment, because otherwise I fear it would never happen! My meds seem to be working okay, but then I think maybe I need a higher dosage, which I really don't want because then it's like I am getting worse, and I am really longing to be better, to be a more normal wife, daughter, sister, and friend to everyone around me. This is NOT fair for them, they deserve to have a happy, normal, easygoing me instead of the sad, hollow shell of me that has been walking around this planet lately.

What I do know, is that all I can do for this moment is to ask God to continue to hold me, hold my heart, and keep me close to Him, because I need that more than ever right now. He is my light in the darkness, I have witnessed this for myself, and has carried me through so many hard times (and good) in my life, even when I did not know or realize that He was there because my heart was so closed off to Him, little did I know then that He was chasing me, running after me, continuing to love and protect me, even in that darkness. I know He is still here. But right now He feels so far away.

So all I ask is for prayers. For me, for Jake, for my family and friends that they will know how to help me, what to say, and just continue to pray for understanding for people who don't understand or think that it is all in my head. For me I know that this is a battle of the heart, the mind, and the spirit. It is one of the most emotionally empty times I have ever felt in my life. I do not want to fall back into the emptiness that has been around me, lurking and waiting for me to trip back into it.

I need your prayers and covet them now more than ever.

Never Leave or Forsake

While reading my daily devotional, this is what I came across that really touched my heart. Especially in light of everything that I deal with on a daily basis and all the times I felt like God was so far away. It really made sense, and I never really thought of it this way before, but I understand so much better now why I went through the things I did and even in my darkest times He was still there, holding my heart.