Brokenness

I don't like it.

I don't like feeling broken.

It cuts deep to a place that I thought was long gone.

It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel gross and full of loathing and fear.

I don't like it. This brokenness in my life is making me feel like a failure at something I didn't even know I could be "bad" at.

How can you fail at something that you want so much, that you long for?

How can you fail at something that you've prayed so fervently for and cried out before God?

Today I am angry.

Angry because I feel broken.

Angry because I feel like a failure.

Angry because I feel like God isn't listening, like he doesn't hear me.

God do you hear me?! 

What are you trying to teach me?! I don't understand!

You know if you just let me have what I want my way that I wouldn't have to yell and be angry and frustrated!

And most of all I wouldn't feel broken.

I don't understand.

Today I am also thankful.

Thankful for a God who gives me mercy and grace when I have a temper tantrum and yell and scream and kick, trying to get my own way.

Thankful that he knows best.

Thankful that I won't be left in this place, that I can be restored.

Thankful that my heart will heal and I will continue to keep going because I need to.

Thankful that there is something that I can't even imagine or fathom that is going to come from all this brokenness.

Today I am praying for beauty in the brokenness.

Beauty from the ashes. 
That I would see it.
That I would receive it.

wildolivetees.com

Isaiah 61:3 The Voice (VOICE) 3 As for those who grieve over Zion, God has sent me to give them a beautiful crown in exchange for ashes, To anoint them with gladness instead of sorrow, to wrap them in victory, joy, and praise instead of depression and sadness. People will call them magnificent, like great towering trees standing for what is right. They stand to the glory of the Eternal who planted them.