: feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation
Today, after a long few weeks of wrestling with myself and with God I decided to try and be content. To try. To be content with what Jake and I have and are able to afford is more like it.
That is a hard thing to do especially during this Christmas season when everything and everyone is telling you "more! you need more, you want more you MUST have more!" Well this year we can't have more, even though I admit I am selfish and totally wanted more. A bigger tree, more ornaments, better smelling candles, after all I didn't want to be stuck with the same old 3 foot artificial tree and ornaments I've had for years! They would make my apartment look trashy, and not modern, or good enough, what would people think?!
I already have so much of the same in my life, I just wanted it to be nice, and different, but unfortunately nice and different costs money and that is something that does not grow on trees, not even Christmas trees.
Bummer.
I didn't care.
I dug my heels in and refused to put up that little tree, I wanted a real one, a big one, and I told Jake about it every day; "You know the flower shop on the corner is selling real trees for only $19.99!" I would say with excitement and the hope that he'd say "Well let's run right out and get one if they're only $19.99!" This obviously did not happen, and did not happen more than once, my discontent for the whole situation was growing. Jake refused to give in and that made me so angry, I wanted that tree and I was going to get it if.....well if.....if we had enough money to pay all our bills and had some leftover I was going to get it. And that was not going to happen.
We were, we are just barely getting by, and it's so hard to write that. Maybe because I am afraid people will judge, will criticize and say nasty hurtful things about us and our situation and that I should try harder, be better, get another job, just get over it, stop using it [depression and anxiety] as an excuse. I am screaming out to all these negative voices to "SHUT UP!"
I had to scream at these voices while I was sharing what God has been teaching me these past few weeks at Bible Study on Thursday. Everyone else had shared and it was my turn. Sandi asked me and my response? First I gave some lame-o answer about "yeah, what she said" referring to one of the other girls in the Bible Study group. Then I felt a sense of guilt and my throat clenched up and I could feel the tears coming. I blurted out how even though Jake and I have so very little right now that God continues to provide and sends us money through giving, loving people, through lost gift cards that have been found; ( gift cards that will help pay for groceries and the majority of Christmas gifts for our families this year), and how just when I don't know how we're going to pay the bills or put gas in the vehicles, there it is, there HE is, God providing for us once again.
This is when I realized my discontentment had been taking over my life. I wasn't happy because I thought I deserved more, I thought WE deserved more than what was getting thrown our way, only to have my eyes and heart opened to the fact that we were being cared and provided for in ways that I had obviously begun to take for granted. That made me so ashamed. Over and over again I take what God has given and done for us through our marriage for granted. I forget and so often need to be reminded.
My prayer now is that God in his infinite GRACE will continue to remind me, to let the scales fall from my eyes so that I can see him more clearly and learn what he is trying to teach me. I pray that my heart will be opened in a way that it never has been before, that I will not take for granted all the grace, love and mercy that surrounds me everyday. I pray that we would be happy with the "simple" things of life and cherish every moment with each other, family and friends that is right now.
Today I set up the Christmas tree. Yup, the 3 footer, and I have to tell you it has never looked more beautiful than through these newly opened eyes.
Blessings,
Today, after a long few weeks of wrestling with myself and with God I decided to try and be content. To try. To be content with what Jake and I have and are able to afford is more like it.
That is a hard thing to do especially during this Christmas season when everything and everyone is telling you "more! you need more, you want more you MUST have more!" Well this year we can't have more, even though I admit I am selfish and totally wanted more. A bigger tree, more ornaments, better smelling candles, after all I didn't want to be stuck with the same old 3 foot artificial tree and ornaments I've had for years! They would make my apartment look trashy, and not modern, or good enough, what would people think?!
I already have so much of the same in my life, I just wanted it to be nice, and different, but unfortunately nice and different costs money and that is something that does not grow on trees, not even Christmas trees.
Bummer.
I didn't care.
I dug my heels in and refused to put up that little tree, I wanted a real one, a big one, and I told Jake about it every day; "You know the flower shop on the corner is selling real trees for only $19.99!" I would say with excitement and the hope that he'd say "Well let's run right out and get one if they're only $19.99!" This obviously did not happen, and did not happen more than once, my discontent for the whole situation was growing. Jake refused to give in and that made me so angry, I wanted that tree and I was going to get it if.....well if.....if we had enough money to pay all our bills and had some leftover I was going to get it. And that was not going to happen.
We were, we are just barely getting by, and it's so hard to write that. Maybe because I am afraid people will judge, will criticize and say nasty hurtful things about us and our situation and that I should try harder, be better, get another job, just get over it, stop using it [depression and anxiety] as an excuse. I am screaming out to all these negative voices to "SHUT UP!"
I had to scream at these voices while I was sharing what God has been teaching me these past few weeks at Bible Study on Thursday. Everyone else had shared and it was my turn. Sandi asked me and my response? First I gave some lame-o answer about "yeah, what she said" referring to one of the other girls in the Bible Study group. Then I felt a sense of guilt and my throat clenched up and I could feel the tears coming. I blurted out how even though Jake and I have so very little right now that God continues to provide and sends us money through giving, loving people, through lost gift cards that have been found; ( gift cards that will help pay for groceries and the majority of Christmas gifts for our families this year), and how just when I don't know how we're going to pay the bills or put gas in the vehicles, there it is, there HE is, God providing for us once again.
This is when I realized my discontentment had been taking over my life. I wasn't happy because I thought I deserved more, I thought WE deserved more than what was getting thrown our way, only to have my eyes and heart opened to the fact that we were being cared and provided for in ways that I had obviously begun to take for granted. That made me so ashamed. Over and over again I take what God has given and done for us through our marriage for granted. I forget and so often need to be reminded.
My prayer now is that God in his infinite GRACE will continue to remind me, to let the scales fall from my eyes so that I can see him more clearly and learn what he is trying to teach me. I pray that my heart will be opened in a way that it never has been before, that I will not take for granted all the grace, love and mercy that surrounds me everyday. I pray that we would be happy with the "simple" things of life and cherish every moment with each other, family and friends that is right now.
Today I set up the Christmas tree. Yup, the 3 footer, and I have to tell you it has never looked more beautiful than through these newly opened eyes.
Blessings,
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