A Christmas Pickle

Yup there it is in all it's splendor, right smack dab in full view on our little Christmas tree.
Now you must think I have totally lost it. I have just decorated my tree with a gherkin. Jake even went so far as to roll his eyes when I unveiled it from my little Pier 1 bag, but I think he likes it now. I think.

Well I am a little crazy, but the small gherkin on my tree does have a story behind it....

There's a Gherkin hanging from my Christmas tree Charlie Brown...

Supposedly it's an "old German tradition" but apparently, at least according to the article above, it's a legend.

Regardless of tradition or legend surrounding the glass gherkin, we are carrying on the "tradition" in our house, mostly because it's fun, and Jake's family is German and has done this for years!

Since I first learned of this "old world tradition" I have wanted a pickle ornament of my own to hang upon the limbs of my humble tree, and now I have one and can carry on the ridiculousness, craziness, laughable-ness, tradition from my husbands family and make great memories stemming from the gherkin that sits in my tree.

Isn't it fabulous?!

I think it's pretty special.

There stands a little Christmas Tree...

..... looks a lot like Charlie Brown’s.

Well pretty close, a little "nicer" but still humble in it's own right

Took some pictures of the most beautiful, humble, little tree standing in the living room of my one bedroom apartment on Douglas Avenue.



Well, I think it's beautiful.


It's simple and not fussy and showcases some ornaments that Jake and I have gotten from others or collected over the years.

This tree holds a lot of memories already; it's got some big "memory" shoes to fill I can tell you that.



New memories. The owl ornament I purchased from Pier 1. I got a great deal on it, and fell in love! I just love owls. Can't get enough. Seriously, I am obsessed! I might need help, I'll let you know. Some sparkly, shiny glass ornaments, I drool. Really. We begin new memories of our own with these on our tree. Fabulous.


Old Memories.

The clear plastic stars, given to us by Jake's mom for Christmas last year, we called them "throwing stars," they're sharp and pointy, but boy do they ever sparkle on that tree.

The Faith ornament, given to me by my parents, it's my middle name, and means so much more to me than just the middle name given to me. It's the basis of my belief. In my trust in God.

Hebrews 11:1 (The Message)

¹The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see.

The red wagon. I am told it was the first Christmas ornament ever given to me. It hangs on our tree every year. It will hang on that tree every year, as long as it lasts. The red wagon. It's the ornament that started the giving of all the other ornaments, and for that I am forever thankful.

We are blessed in the fact that we get to decorate OUR tree with these ornaments and so many others! We get to make new memories around a tree filled to the brim with such great memories already.

Memories that are ours. Together. Around our little Charlie Brown tree.

I cherish those memories already. I know they are fleeting and for a moment and oh how I cherish them! Someday there will be so much more going on in our lives, God willing there will be children and we will share even more memories and noise and laughter around the tree. There will be chaos and going here and there....and so now, right now, I take in these moments, breathe them in deeply and savor them.

Simple moments. Sharing life, and love and laughter, just the two of us.

To be Content:: : to appease the desires of

: feeling or showing satisfaction with one's possessions, status, or situation

Today, after a long few weeks of wrestling with myself and with God I decided to try and be content. To try. To be content with what Jake and I have and are able to afford is more like it.

That is a hard thing to do especially during this Christmas season when everything and everyone is telling you "more! you need more, you want more you MUST have more!" Well this year we can't have more, even though I admit I am selfish and totally wanted more. A bigger tree, more ornaments, better smelling candles, after all I didn't want to be stuck with the same old 3 foot artificial tree and ornaments I've had for years! They would make my apartment look trashy, and not modern, or good enough, what would people think?!

I already have so much of the same in my life, I just wanted it to be nice, and different, but unfortunately nice and different costs money and that is something that does not grow on trees, not even Christmas trees.

Bummer.

I didn't care.

I dug my heels in and refused to put up that little tree, I wanted a real one, a big one, and I told Jake about it every day; "You know the flower shop on the corner is selling real trees for only $19.99!" I would say with excitement and the hope that he'd say "Well let's run right out and get one if they're only $19.99!" This obviously did not happen, and did not happen more than once, my discontent for the whole situation was growing. Jake refused to give in and that made me so angry, I wanted that tree and I was going to get it if.....well if.....if we had enough money to pay all our bills and had some leftover I was going to get it. And that was not going to happen.

We were, we are just barely getting by, and it's so hard to write that. Maybe because I am afraid people will judge, will criticize and say nasty hurtful things about us and our situation and that I should try harder, be better, get another job, just get over it, stop using it [depression and anxiety] as an excuse. I am screaming out to all these negative voices to "SHUT UP!"

I had to scream at these voices while I was sharing what God has been teaching me these past few weeks at Bible Study on Thursday. Everyone else had shared and it was my turn. Sandi asked me and my response? First I gave some lame-o answer about "yeah, what she said" referring to one of the other girls in the Bible Study group. Then I felt a sense of guilt and my throat clenched up and I could feel the tears coming. I blurted out how even though Jake and I have so very little right now that God continues to provide and sends us money through giving, loving people, through lost gift cards that have been found; ( gift cards that will help pay for groceries and the majority of Christmas gifts for our families this year), and how just when I don't know how we're going to pay the bills or put gas in the vehicles, there it is, there HE is, God providing for us once again.

This is when I realized my discontentment had been taking over my life. I wasn't happy because I thought I deserved more, I thought WE deserved more than what was getting thrown our way, only to have my eyes and heart opened to the fact that we were being cared and provided for in ways that I had obviously begun to take for granted. That made me so ashamed. Over and over again I take what God has given and done for us through our marriage for granted. I forget and so often need to be reminded.

My prayer now is that God in his infinite GRACE will continue to remind me, to let the scales fall from my eyes so that I can see him more clearly and learn what he is trying to teach me. I pray that my heart will be opened in a way that it never has been before, that I will not take for granted all the grace, love and mercy that surrounds me everyday. I pray that we would be happy with the "simple" things of life and cherish every moment with each other, family and friends that is right now.

Today I set up the Christmas tree. Yup, the 3 footer, and I have to tell you it has never looked more beautiful than through these newly opened eyes.

Blessings,

What love really means

Turn off the music at the bottom of the page for this, trust me you'll want to hear what this song has to say about real love. It made me think, it made me cry, it made sense to me. For this is what I heard on that day when God spoke to my heart, to my life. He came to me in my darkest hour and said these words to me.

So beyond thankful for a God who can love me like that. There are no words.

Jake - I praise God for you!

I penned out these words in my little "made of recycled materials" notebook as I sat in Starbucks last week Saturday afternoon. Yes Starbucks, I went for a walk, and well "Hello, my name is Nikki and I am addicted to Starbucks," their beverages mostly, but on Saturday afternoon the mood was mellow and calm sitting at that table by the window along Lincoln Way.

As I was sipping on my SFCD, Soy Frapp, my head was filled with all these thoughts of our upcoming anniversary celebration. For those of you who do not know, Jake and I have been together since January of 1999 and got married on October 6th, 2007. You do the math :-)

My pen kept going, my mind and heart overflowing with all these words and thoughts of my husband:

God given, lover of God, man after Him.

Life sustaining- normalcy bringer, you bring me back down in those moments when I could drift away into the depths. You know.

Hand to hold. Fingers interlocking. Squeezing, warm. Amazing.

Arms to wrap. Always warm, always ready and waiting. Comforting.

Blue-eyed wonder. Love it. No other words.

Working hard. Always, in everything you do. Thank you for this. I don't say it enough.

Striving, trying, you make me proud. All the time. Never doubt that. Ever.

Searching for answers, always wanting to know more.

Dreaming big dreams, you know what. We dream together. Thank you.

Hopeful about the future and what it will bring, trusting God to lead.

Learning, always learning. I love this about you.

Enduring. Holding me up. Pushing through the pain and the darkness with me, even in the darkest hours you never abandoned.

Encouraging me in all things, loving me, praising me. Love you.

Smile. Oh that smile! God knew I needed it in my life. Yes He did!

Friend. You are my best friend. I know you are mine, God gave you to me for a reason.

Random. Love that my randomness amuses you. You know I try. Something about cows talking?

Laid Back. You help me relax. You help lighten my load, my burdens are lessened thanks to you. I love you.

Uncle. You're amazing with those kiddos. They love you and you take it all in stride. It's amazing to see you with them. Did I mention you're amazing?

Future Father. Someday. I know you'll be great. We'll be great together. Never perfect, but we'll make it, no doubt.

My Favorite. Always. As long as we both shall live. You know this. I tell you often.

I love you.
My God-given, Blue-eyed man.
I love you.

Learning to Lament

God I need you, this sickness is gripping my life and sometimes controlling me. I have my good days which you have given me and for that I am forever grateful! I know your love and grace can rise above all of this as it has done so many times before.

Dear God, I suffer with depression, with anxiety and sometimes my bipolar-ness feels like to much for me. I am in a dark place, a place so deep that I feel as if the light will never reach me. People around me can see this change in me, and they don't like it anymore than me. I have abandoned you Lord, I have turned away from you because I feel like you are not there, like not even you could help me now.

Still God, I know you are there, you are holding me, walking beside me, being my light in the darkness. I can see your hand in and through my life, my family and friends.

God please take away this darkness, this evil thing that surrounds me, hold my heart God, you are the maker of the moon and stars and you know my heart, my mind and you've seen it breaking and cracking and you are holding it in your hands.

I know you hear me, you have lightened my darkness you have pulled my life out of that dark, horrible place. You protected me even when I turned from you. I will tell everybody about how in my darkest night you came to me in my little apartment on Douglas Avenue and showed me you are still there, you have been there all along, you shone your light behind my bedroom door and I praise you for bringing me back, to you, to the world, my friends and family.

God I praise you for your light in my life!


This is something I wrote in our Adult Discipleship/Sunday school class this past April after Jake and I started going back to church. We were "challenged" to write a Psalm of Lament and this is what came out. I have to say it was a very cleansing and purifying thing for me to write my grief, my darkness down in this way. I have always loved poetry and writing, but this was something new, something I grabbed onto and something I now cling to; it helps me get through a lot of dark moments.

I encourage you to write your own Psalm of Lament, if you have any questions about how I went about this let me know. I have a "checklist" of the structure a lament should take, but regardless, just know that no matter how you write it God will hear you and be in that moment with you. He is never so far that we cannot reach him, that he cannot hold us. He is there in every moment and goes before us. What a comfort.

Jake and I have shared this experience

Prayers for the broken

Dear Lord,

My heart is hurting, hurting for so many reasons, and you know why, you know all things and that helps to ease my heart and mind and give me peace, knowing that you are all knowing.

God I just fall on my knees before you, I give up, I give it all to you. I can't do this alone, and I know you always promised you'd be there God, that you'd never give me a burden so heavy and lonesome that I would carry it all by myself. You knew I would never be able to carry these heavy weights on my own and so you come alongside me and send people here on earth to walk down the dark paths with me, as your lanterns in my life. Thank you God for all those people.

Thank you God for you hand holding steady on my heart and and in my life. You are my one constant, in you I hope, believe, and endure all things because I know that you will never leave me or forsake me.

Thank you God for the times in my life when I felt most alone and afraid, because in those moments you showed yourself to me in awesome and wonderful ways and helped remind me that even when I don't feel you there, you are there, in the darkest moments of my life you shone forth your light into my life, I will always be amazed and in awe and praise you for that moment, for all those moments in my life, Thank you God.

God the future is uncertain, there are so many things that I think about, worry about, wanting so much more than I already have. God I ask that you calm my mind, my fears for things seen now and things yet to come. Give my heart peace and rest that I know I can only find in you, in your presence God. Take the worries from me, I give them all to you and lay them at your feet, knowing you are the one who can take them away and I never have to worry again, but you know I will God, and I just ask for forgiveness in those times when I worry and struggle, I pray that you will show that to me so that I will give everything over to you. God I want more, I am selfish and I know that you have already given me so much in this life. Help me to be more thankful and not take for granted all that you have given me, open my eyes, my mind and heart when I find myself in the depths of this.

God I thank you for my marriage, for my husband, who you so obviously put here on earth for me to meet. I praise you for knowing just what I needed in a man, in a partner that I prayed for and you brought him into my life in the midst of so much pain and uncertainty, you always knew what was best for me. God teach me to let go of control of my life and my marriage to you, for you are the only one strong enough to carry and sustain it through all things. I praise you for bringing Jake and I through one of the darkest points in our marriage. Even in the pit of depression and anxiety, you were working in our marriage, in our lives and I see that now, please forgive me when I did not see it sooner.
God we would have never made it through those days without you, and I don't know why we tried. I am so amazed by the grace and mercy you've shown to us and continue to show to us through everything. You are amazing God! You continue to fill our lives with blessings. Blessings in the form of people, places, and so many things too numerous to name. Thank you God for being a God who gives, as well as a God who takes away, for in all those things we can see your hand guiding us as we walk the road you've laid out before us.

God I just pray that you will mend broken hearts, bring peace where there needs peace and understanding too. Please protect the hearts and lives of the people around me, I lift them all to you. You know all their thoughts, and unspoken words. You know all their hearts and brokenness in and through their lives right now God. You know their praises and songs to you, you know every meaning of every tear cried, you know them God. You know what they need more than I do. I know your heart hurts when they hurt and all I ask is for you to surround them with your grace, mercy and love. The love that only comes from you Lord God.

I love you so much God, Holder of my heart.

Amen

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Let's just say I am now a sobbing mess. Praise God for the grace and mercy and love through the pain in my life! He has never left my side. He truly is EVERYTHING!

(I encourage you to go to youtube and watch this video since it doesn't fit here, but I just loved the message in it so I had to share!)!







Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Find your wings

Dear Daemon,

Today is your 5th birthday, and I cannot believe you are that old already! It seems like just yesterday when your mom and dad called and were so excited that you had finally arrived after many hours of labor and finally a c-section in the hot Texas weather. Even then you were a stubborn little boy!



I finally met you when you were 2 months old. You came to live with your mom and dad at GG and Pops' house when you moved up from Texas, and I was living there at the time too. How how I loved those days! Even when you would cry I would just think how awesome it was to have you here and how I wished I could have been there for your birth! It was great having you living at that house D-man, we spent so much time together, so many days and nights getting to know each other. I loved it when your cue ball head went from bald to curly, almost overnight! that curly hair, oh how I love the thought of it and miss it on your head even now, I would love to run my fingers through that mop of hair on your head.

You are the smartest little man I know. Reading by yourself when you were 4 years old, you know the alphabet forwards and backwards. The time you counted to 100 for me, that was awesome! You can probably count to infinity by now you're so smart!
Even your teacher was impressed.

You love to read, and you love to read to me when I come and visit and I love to soak it all up, and I just marvel at you, you are a little wonder, a little blessing, and you get smarter and smarter every time I see you. You even showed me how to log on to PBS Kids, and how I should really click the "Hint" button when I play Bejeweled because it will "help you out a lot." You make me smile.

You used to call me Auntie Ninny because you couldn't say your k's for "Nikki". I loved hearing you say that, it just made my heart melt. A few months ago I came home and you called me "Auntie Nikki" and oh how happy and sad I was all at the same time. Happy because you are getting bigger and smarter, but sad because I knew that I was always going to miss being your "Auntie Ninny" but I will always remember it too!

And buddy? I know that I am farther away now, and I don't get to come see you as much as you or I would like, but don't ever for a second think that means I don't love you and think about you and pray for you every single day! I would be there in a heartbeat to spend time with you and have you read to me, and show me how to use "my camera" and tell me everything you did that day over and over again.

1 month from now you will be starting kindergarten and I can hardly believe it! You are getting to be such a big boy and the time sure has flown by, I know your mommy and daddy say the same thing too. Even though I won't be there for your first day of kindergarten, just know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you and loving you still.

You are my little D-man, my little buddy. Happy Birthday!
Love,
Auntie Ninny

Even in the Dark

This song and words touched my heart today in a way I really needed it. Just wanted to share with you:

This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright s´gonna be alright

Goings' on

It's been way too long, but I have so many things to share!
There have been many more ups and downs in the life of Nikki and Jake, Jake and Nikki since I wrote last.

Jake and I started going back to church in April, a move I believe that was in the making for some time, but me, being well, me, I was being selfish during all of the depression and the bi-polar and anxiety issues and sickness that I was dealing with. I thought if God couldn't help me through that and protect me from that then I didn't need Him anyway, and so I just stopped going to church, stopped being involved in that community and, just stopped. Everything just stopped, time stood still, even as it was passing me right by. I think of all the things I missed because of my foolish heart, of all the things that God was trying to tell me and fill me in on, all the great songs I never got to sing and people I never got to meet. I mourn that loss now.
Since going back I have joined the praise team and get to use my gifts through music every week and I love it! We've even joined a great community group filled with amazing, God-loving, sharing, caring people. It's been an awesome healing in my life and in my heart. God has even blessed me with a great friend that I can tell anything to, and I know that God brought her into my life for a reason, and I knew it the first time I met her. Honestly. I am in awe of how and why God put her in my life, she's an awesome person, and lives God out in her life, and is never afraid to share something with me from experiences in her life if she thinks it will help in my life. I praise God for the blessing she is in and to my life!

I have been jobless for over 9 months. Well in June I was offered a part time job at a retail/decorating store about 20 minutes away. I jumped at the chance, and even though it is only part time I love being able to get out and do more with my days. It helps to fulfill my longing for interaction and helping out in a way. I love my job, the people are great and right now I think this is a great fit for me! At first I was sad that it was only part time, but I think getting back into working, that maybe it's a good thing so that I can adjust to more "normal" way of life again!

After some encouragement from others I have finally decided to take on Photography more, and took a big step! O have begun posting my pictures on Darkness is as Light Photography and have even been approached to sell some of my images which I am really excited about! I have even looked into schooling options for photography and have found a great one through the Art Institute of America that I can take online, which would be awesome! Still looking at that though, cause the time and money involved would be great. Right now I am happy to be taking pictures for family and friends and just being able to show other people what I love so much about nature and the outdoors through my eyes, and through the lens of my camera.

I look back to last September when I lost my job, and think of how different things were then. How hopeless, how alone and lost I felt in my life and how no amount of anything, even God was going to make me feel normal. Make me feel more like a human again. Make me feel more of anything. I can see my journey out of the darkness and into the light. I heard a song on the radio today, and here's just some of the lyrics:

♬ ♪ ♪ Would you dare would you dare to believe ♫ ♬ ♪ That you still have a reason to sing ♫ ♩ ♪ Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling ♫ ♪ ♩ It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming ♫ ♬ ♪

And that is so true! All that pain that I had been feeling that was weighing me down could never compare to what God has in store for me, what his plans are for my life now and the future and for eternity! I still have a reason to sing, and I praise God for giving me that reason in Him.

Darkness is as light

Psalm 139 (Today's New International Version)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, [a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I was inspired by another blogger today to read this passage from the Psalms. It really hit my heart in a big way. My life the way it is, and the struggles I have everyday along with all the worries I have about those struggles. Sometimes I forget that God is always there, even in my comings and goings he is there, watching over me, guiding me, loving me.

Psalm 139 11-12:

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

These verses especially fill my thoughts today. All of the darkness of depression, and anxiety, and bi-polar disease that have been pushing down on me; all those times when I felt so alone so lost in my own darkness I forgot that God, my God who can do anything; more than I even imagine was there with me in my darkness lighting the way for me, holding me, comforting me, taking me in his arms and calling me his child.

And he continues to call me his child, to provide and take my life well beyond places I never thought or imagined I could even go. The darkness was hiding me, covering me, entangling me, but he in all his grace and mercy continued to light my pathway, and I am coming out of the darkness into the light.

I am happy to say that things are on the upswing, and I am feeling positive about this. My meds are working the way they are supposed to be, and I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time.

For right now I would say that I am very hopeful. Taking things day by day, sometimes still moment to moment, but knowing that God is here walking alongside me; and if I ever get back to that place in my life where the pit of darkness was so deep, I know he will still be there walking before me, lighting the way as he has been and will continue to do through this life until that day when I am able to look upon his face in Heaven into the brightest light I will ever know.

I am looking forward to that day. How beautiful that will be.

The Big Picture

It's been a long time since I updated you on what is going on at the Boden household.
In my last entry I talked about going to see the nurse at the Richmond Center here in Ames to get some medications to hopefully help me and my brain function more "normally."
I had gotten a phone call a week or so previously and a letter in the mail stating that "All of your charges will be taken care of and paid for, you have qualified for this assistance." An answer to prayer, something that I hoped for but never thought it would happen. To me in meant I was doing the right thing for me, something good to help me, and I was going to be able to get the help that I needed and not worry about paying for the services I would receive with what little money we have.

At that meeting I got weighed (whoopie!) and measured, had to fill out a questionnaire about my symptoms. This was like a check "yes" or "no" and listed symptoms for depression, anxiety, bipolar, manic, and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

I went into the nurses office, I was so nervous, I don't know why, everyone there was so nice, what did I expect? But I was scared. She went over the list of symptoms with me and asked me some questions about "Why are you here today? and How can we help you?" So I explained what was going on, what had been going on, and I broke down and started crying. Embarrassed, yes slightly, but also relieved at the same time. I was diagnosed as having Bipolar-depression with anxiety.

Excuse me, what did you just say? Depression and anxiety I knew, I could handle those, I was ready to face them head on, but I was totally slapped in the face by the bipolar diagnoses. I was in shock.

I was given a list of meds to try and come back in a month, and oh yeah I needed to set up an appointment to see a therapist. Wow. Um, okay. But I was going with the flow because I knew I needed to, this was the only way I was going to keep from completely falling off the deep end.

I got in my car and drove home trying to process what just happened. Did she really say Bipolar?? I was so confused and my heart was aching. I got home and Jake was sitting on the couch. "So, how'd it go?" he asked "What did they say?" And I told him, and starting crying again. He just came over and hugged me and said "It'll be alright, we'll work through this."

Fast forward the beginning of March. I went back for my monthly med-check and got weighed. Again. We talked, I was prescribed more meds because I still wasn't sleeping normally, and I made an appointment to get seen by a therapist there. Her name is June.

I met with June and we talked about a lot of things. Most notably how would I know when I was ready to be "DONE" with therapy. I threw some things out there, and the words "normal, whatever that means" came out. She asked me to explain.

What is normal really? Well for me it's living a happier more fulfilled life, being able to function on a daily basis to do everyday mundane tasks that some people may take for granted, but that I have to make myself do. I must force myself to do these things or they just don't get done. It's like there's a switch in my head that makes me want to NOT do these things like dishes and laundry and taking a shower more than once a week, I can always find an excuse, always think of something else to be doing that is "more important" then my own hygiene. June asked "So, what's more important than taking a shower?" I laughed and said "well, when you put it that way it just sounds silly!" I want to be able to enjoy the everyday things in my life again. I don't feel "normal" without them.

Its hard to even write that, trust me, in no way am I proud of these things, but in order for me to be more "normal" I need to do these things and do them for the betterment of myself; not only mentally, but physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. All of these aspects of my life suffer if I allow myself to slack off because I just don't care, and trust me, I do mean all of them.

Because of this I now I have a visual reminder hanging on my bathroom mirror that says: "What is more important than taking a shower?" I can smile when I see it now, because it's a small reminder of everything else I want and need to do in and with my life.

I am setting goals. Small goals, attainable goals, things I can be proud of for myself to accomplish. I know I have to start somewhere. The meds are going good. I am feeling better but I still have my bad days. Today was one of those days, but now I am better able to tolerate things because I got pointed in the right direction. One step at a time.

In my daily devotional from Sunday it reads:

It will become more understandable as you head down the path he sets before you, but understanding is not a requirement for you to start down the path. Proverbs 4:18 says, "The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining brighter till the full light of day" (NIV). One day you will stand in the full light of eternity and view the big picture. You'll see God's purpose behind the path He specifically chose for you.

What do I do in the meantime? You do what Proverbs 3 says: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." What does He mean "don't lean on your own understanding"? You don't need to try to figure it out. In truth, you're not going to understand most of the things that happen in your life until you get to heaven.

Be patient. God knows what He's doing. God knows what's best for you. He can see the end result. You can't. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays -- all the things that make you ask "why" -- one day it will all be clear in the light of God's love.

But for now, we're learning to trust God.

Getting through

Just wanted to update on somethings that have going on around the Boden household this past month.

Jake started classes again at ISU the middle of the month and has been staying busy with that. They have had some "competitions" in some of the engineering classes he is in and his group has won both times and gotten some small "prizes" but still the satisfaction is great! He is enjoying school and even though it is not easy he is doing it and we are getting there. Slowly, but surely.

He has also been busy at work with all of the snow we're having. He works for a small trucking company that in the winter time moves A LOT of snow, especially is the case with this winter! It's nice because he makes a little more money doing that, but the hours are NOT so nice as often it is the middle of the night. While the hours were not such a big deal over Christmas break, right now it makes it harder, especially with school, so he has to make it work the best he can and so far it is going okay.

Please pray for this situation. His job is a blessing, especially with me not currently working but this also puts more stress on him, as a husband, as a provider. Please pray for strength.

I started working out and eating "healthy" in the hopes of dropping some weight and getting healthier, also Jake's brother is getting married in the Fall, so I want to look good in pictures, so that is definitely helping with the goal of losing weight. So far I have lost 4 pounds, so that is great in my book! I am moving in the right direction when it comes to my health, and I am feeling better about myself because of it.
I recently went to the Richmond Center here in town, a Mental Health and Addiction clinic. I wrote in my previous blog that I was waiting on hearing back to see if I could get funded, because obviously without insurance I couldn't pay for it myself. Well I got the phone call that said I got approved, 100% so I don't have to pay anything out of pocket! That is a real answer to prayer and just proves that I am taking a step in the right direction to where I need to be, I feel I was brought to this Center for a reason. We give thanks to God for this!

So I got approved and had to set up an appointment. I called in today and the lady that is helping me with all of my paperwork and such told me that they had a cancellation for this Friday, so could I come in then? I said that I could and I am meeting with one of their R.N.'s so that I can talk about getting my meds regulated. This is the first HUGE step in getting to have a more "normal" life for me. I know the depression will always be in my life, but now I feel like I am taking some control, and there is a way out.

So one step at a time. One moment, one day, one week at a time. That is how it is going right now, and I know it will continue to go. I can get through this!

I will let you know how it goes!

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. We ask for continued prayers. Prayers for understanding for those people who are still in denial about all of this that is going on, prayer for patience, for Jake, for me, this has been really trying on marriage. Prayer for physician knowledge and that they are able to help me to the best of their ability, prayer for strength to get through this. We also ask that if you are being led to pray in another direction please do so. We can feel and see the true power of prayer everyday in our lives. We know people are continuing to lift us up and we thank God for that everyday!

God Bless!

Nikki and Jake

Looking Back to Look Forward

Haven't written in a while, you probably know why I wasn't here. I was away dealing with life and everything that has been thrown into my life. I was trying to take care of myself a little better, and by taking care of myself I don't mean working out; I mean I was busy trying to remember how to LIVE again, how to act and feel and be some semblance of a "normal" person again, no matter how feeble that attempt might be because I have never been and will never consider myself to be what the world considers "normal." I was busy trying to find that human being who I know so desperately wants to be and do so many thing, that person who had and has so many dreams for her life, where'd she go?! I have been searching high and low and yet still to no avail. She seems to have been lost in the shuffle, in the ups and downs of a life she didn't ask for and certainly never planned on, in a life that is hard for even the people that love me to completely understand. Lost in a life she would never wish on anybody, because it simply too painful, and too lonely, with too many inner demons and struggles; and nobody should have to go through any of that.

Not even me.

This depression, this anxiety, has wrapped itself around my life, embedded itself into my head and my body, and continues to wreck havoc, and cause stress and crying and self loathing. I am forever fighting with myself, in a disease I never wanted, I never asked for, and that I pray to be rescued from every day. But I have come to the realization that is not going to happen. Oh, don't get me wrong, I DO believe in miracles, in the Grace of God, I know He can deliver me from this, I HAVE the Faith, it is my middle name after all. However, I also believe that I have been "given" this disease for a reason,that there is something that God wants me to do. I believe that reason is so that I can tell other people about what is going on with me, that I can spread the awareness and make it not be such a shameful thing, such a "wrong" thing, something that is so looked down upon. I can open up my life and my mind to what is going on so that others around me can learn and hopefully be helped by even one thing that I may have to say. I have accepted this now. And no, I didn't ask for it, but I now feel like it is one of my many callings in my life.

Last week I finally decided to take some initiative and go get some more help, so that I can be that person I want to be, so that I can help more people understand, so that I can love life again, because I know that is what I want more than anything, and more than that, I NEED it. So I headed off to a Mental Health Center here in town, I registered, filled out all the necessary paper work, and now wait to hear back about getting treatment. Treatment, that I have prayed about and know that I will be covered for 100%, because I cannot afford it out of my own pocket. What kind of treatment? Well, therapy, or counseling for one. I need to talk to someone that is not "on the inside" of all of this and doesn't live it with me daily. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my husband, but he NEEDS a break from all of this too. The other thing is that I NEED to get my medications regulated. Regulated to the point where I can live my definition of a normal life. So that I can get out of bed in the morning, take a shower once in awhile, and have the energy and the motivation to work out and change my life and body. These meds are something that I know for me, despite all the exercise and endorphins coursing through my body, that I will have to take for the rest of my life in order to be human again. I have come to this realization, and I am not ashamed to admit it; because if that is what I need for myself, to take care of myself, THAT is what I am going to do. Take care of myself. This regulating of meds however, may involve me being checked into a hospital for a few days to make sure I can "tolerate" everything the way I am supposed to, and YES I am scared about that but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

I feel like this is kind of the "rebirth" of me, like this is my time to do everything I wanted and needed and now, hopefully, I can get through. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I take my life by each moment sometimes, because it is all I can do to get through to the next day. Now I have a feeling, no, a knowledge, a confidence in the fact that I will be able to get through each day, to move forward, to look ahead to the new year, to this new life that I have wanted for myself for so long.