Now this story I am about to tell you may take some of you by surprise, but I hope it touches your heart the way it touched mine. I am going to be brutally honest with you as I have had to be with myself these last few months.
As some of you may know I have been dealing with a lot of hurt and a great "depression" in my life and in my heart. To explain it best would be to say my heart is in a lot of pain a "Winter" season if you will. I haven't felt normal or much like myself in a long time, and I have really been struggling with it a lot as of late I just felt like something was and is trying to keep me down. So much so, that it has encroached on my work life as well as my life here at home with Jake. Sometimes I just break down into sobbing and Jake just holds me as I tell him I just want to feel normal again, and I just want the pain in my heart to go away.
After one of these long nights of this happening, Jake got up as he usually does around 6 am to shower and get ready for work. When he does this, he usually leaves the light in the hallway on right outside of our bedroom; where our door always gets left open a crack to circulate the air flow better in our apartment, and he did this day as well. He gets done getting ready for work and comes in the bedroom to get his shirt and socks, his cell phone and his wallet, and gives me a kiss goodbye and an "I love you" and heads out to the kitchen to make himself some food for the day. About 10 minutes later he is gone, and shuts off all the lights in the hallway, and living room before he leaves. He did all that in this exact order that day. I heard the door downstairs close and he started up his truck to drive the 15 minutes to work, it is about 6:40 am at this point.
I fall asleep again as I usually do, but for some reason something wakes me up today, my alarm did not go off and I look over to see what time it was and it was 7:07. At this point something catches my attention by our bedroom door. I look over and coming through the crack of the door was a bright white shining light, it just radiated. I thought this was weird since Jake always turns the light off in the hallway, and I had heard him do this very thing today just like every other day. I pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming, I am not. I get up to go to the door to see what's on the other side of it (at this point as I will tell Jake later, I think I am dying because of the bright white light I am following). Just as I touch the handle on the door and open it, the light disappears and I am shaking, not really knowing or understanding what I just saw in my little apartment on Douglas Avenue. I couldn't go back to sleep.
The rest of the day I am scared not really sure of what I saw, and not knowing what to think. I don't tell Jake what happened, I just ask him to leave the light in the hallway on when he leaves for work in the morning from now on, and he says "okay." Later he asks me why and when I tell him what happened, I think he's gonna tell me I'm crazy, that it's all in my head, but instead he says "wow, that's kind of cool!" Thanks Jake :-)
Last weekend we went home for a friends wedding, and Friday night when we arrived at my parents I proceed to tell my mom and dad this story of the light. My mom, without missing a beat says "It was just God, letting you know He is still there, you have nothing to be afraid of." My first thought was "why didn't I see or recognize that's what it was?" It's because my heart is in a dark place, I cannot see what's right in front of me! That night as I went to bed and read "The Shack" I felt this peace come over me like I haven't felt in a long time, knowing that indeed that's what was behind my door, letting me know that no matter what I am going through, He is always there, even in my darkest night.
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6 comments:
Nikki, I had no idea you were struggling with this; I am sorry but trust completely that God has plans for you and for what you are going through.
I totally agree with your mom (because she is SOOO smart); what I think is so beautiful about the light - is that in your darkness, God showed himself to you as if to say "Nikki, by child, I love you and I'm here with you." I challenge you to look for God in every situation; close your eyes and look for him if you need to.
Praying that the Light of the world penetrates every part of your life. Keep running the race Nikki and know that I'll be praying for you along the way - I already added your name to my little prayer notebook.
Your honesty is beautiful.
Nikki, obviously I meant to say "...my child..." not "by".
Hope you liked the song I dedicated to you on facebook. I'll think of you every time I hear it.
Your words gave me chills...I believe, without a doubt, that God was the light shining that day. He is with you, even when you don't feel him. He is letting you know that you can depend on Him to calm the anguish you are going through. He is the shining beacon in the darkness. He will get you through this. Believe Nikki...God will NEVER let you down. Peace and Blessings...
Janelle,
Thanks so much for the kind words and the song, I love Tenth Avenue North and that song was so what I needed in that moment in time, totally a God thing! :-)
Hope42day, still gives me chills every time I think about it! Looking back now of course I had no reason to be afraid, but I just couldn't see past the pain that day!
It's amazing how God uses other people in our lives to help show us things we could have missed otherwise for whatever reason.
Janelle,
Ps- I totally understood what you meant to type :-) Happens to me all the time.
Nikki,
Thank you for baring your soul. You have BLESSED your readers here by sharing of God's faithfulness in your life -- even in the midst of trial. I believe that it was God's Light, too. I have no doubt. God bless you, as you continue to reflect His light. And God bless you for sharing your struggle.
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