Music From a Friend

Thanks so much for touching my heart again Miss S. You know who you are. Love you too.

Touching lives through Music

Hopes and Dreams

This week for me has been a realization of a lot of things in and around my life, and believe me when I say that not all of them were what I would call "good" in fact a lot of them have really opened my eyes in ways that I cannot even begin to describe, at least not adequately anyway.

This is the week that I spent money on things we didn't need, and I thought I was trying to help by getting some Christmas presents that we would have gotten eventually anyway, and besides that, everything was on sale! I thought it was justified, apparently it wasn't, and needless to say, Jake was not too pleased, which I understood, but didn't necessarily appreciate at the time.

I also have a goal of losing weight, and inspired by my little sister and my husband, I have the urge to go and run. Yes, you can check my temperature, I said run. Never in a million years would I have ever said that and be completely serious about it, or am I? Well this time, I mean it. Enough is enough, and if running will in some way help relieve my stresses and my inner demons, if it will give me some endorphins to help me make it through my day, then so be it. And I bought a great pair of running shoes (which came with a free pair of running leggings, and were $50 off the regular price, so the Dutch person in me dove at the chance to purchase), thinking that Jake would be happy that I finally decided to take some initiative and do something about all this pain and angst I have built up inside. He was not. I get it, I really do, but I had hoped that maybe this could be a Christmas present to me, and that would be that. Apparently I was sadly mistaken.

Friday this week, would be the day that I was supposed to go to the clinic and have a multitude of tests; poking, prodding, squeezing, what-have-you, for the surgery that I had scheduled for the 6th of January of 2010. Well the realization in all of this is that I don't have a job, I lost the one I loved because of my disease, because of my depression. Therefore I have no more insurance and when faced with the chance to continue my insurance through Cobra and pay for it every month until a month after surgery because I had been waiting 10 years for the opportunity to have said surgery, we decided that it couldn't happen, that it wouldn't happen.

I have to tell you my heart ripped when that conversation was had, that "yes you can do it, but no, we don't have the money to do it, so therefore you can't do it." I can honestly say that I have never felt the pain and reality of my "choices", the choices that came about because of my disease than at that very moment. All the choices that took away part of the hopes and dreams I'd had for myself, for my life for so long.

My life was going to be so much better, so much easier (as if), I was going to be so much happier, and my life was going to change because of this surgery. And now it's not. Now the hopes and dreams that I had for my life in those moments have all got to change, they need a new direction to go.

The question I keep asking is where? What? now how do I do this? You see, your hopes and dreams for your life don't change just because you no longer have a job, nobody will hire you because of what happened at your last job so they just give you some random answer about why you didn't get the job, you're depressed, and down-trodden, and forlorn and so lonely that you could scream, and all you want to do is lay in bed and cry, and try as you might you can never really explain it to people who just don't understand, who won't understand. I still have hopes and dreams, I just have to go about a new way of getting them.

My hopes for a healthier me, thus the running shoes, and therefore my dreams of having a family come from me being healthier, and I dream of having children because of this.

My hopes for normality in my life, thus, the spending money on Christmas gifts, because that is what I would do if I had a job, and that is normal, and I want normal, I crave it, to feel and be normal in my everyday life again. So, why not go on with life as I should and be a normal person and do some Christmas shopping.

That said, I also want a place to live, and food to eat, so when those packages arrive, I am afraid they might have to go back, or at least most of it anyway. Not because I don't want them, but because I don't need them, I can't need them right now, and sometimes it's just hard to admit that to myself, especially when I want so much right now, and feel like in some ways I have so little.

It's hard to explain why I do what I do sometimes, to justify my actions, because sometimes even I don't know why. I just thought it would make me happy somehow. Help fulfill even a PART of those hopes and dreams I have for myself, and Jake and our life together.

This week I realized, I can't do this on my own, I need help, I need my meds regulated, I need people in my life that help to hold me accountable for my actions, I need someone to talk to that is not "in" the situation, because trust me when I tell you that my husband can only take so much of me, despite the fact he loves me, I truly believe that he wants to fix me, and he can't. He doesn't get what is going on with me as much as he might try, and sometimes you have to admit when you need help. I need help. There it is, out for all to see.

In fact when I get done writing this I am going to get in contact with a Mental Health facility here in Ames, and see if I can't do something about all of this. It has taken a lot for me to admit this, because I have been "doing it on my own" and didn't want to admit that everything is worse than I thought, and getting worse everyday. It's like admitting defeat, but I will admit it, I feel defeated.

After all these are my hopes and dreams I am talking about here. And I don't want to lose those, for anything. I won't let anything take them away from me, not this disease, not the enemy, not ANYTHING! They are ours. Jake's and mine, and we deserve to have them and be happy and this is a start, a new beginning for our hopes and dreams that we have for ourselves, for one another, together. Always.


Jeremiah 29:11 TNIV (Today's New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

We Will Tell the Story

TWLOHA Day-Friday November 13th, 2009

Love is the Movement-TWLOHA

Love is the movement.

"We're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding"---Donald Miller





Tomorrow is TWLOHA day. TWLOHA stands for: To Write Love On Her Arms. This is a movement that has helped and saved so many people's lives. People who struggle with depression, thoughts of suicide, anxiety, addiction, cutting, etc. have been helped by this amazing, amazing movement. I don't really have the words to explain how much something like this could help someone like me, and I support this movement wholeheartedly! I, along with so many others will help to share and spread the movement, the movement of love by physically writing the word "LOVE" on my arms tomorrow, November 13th. (I hope to also take and post a photo of this as well).

For those of you interested in learning more about this, please check out the vision of TWLOHA. It will tell you how and why the movement began and give you the story of a girl who it all began with.

Below is a video I found from one of the "gatherings" TWLOHA has had. It begins with the story of Renee, and follows with a dance to the music A Time for Yohe, by Between the Trees.

Honor your American Soldier

Today is November 11th, the day when we honor all those who have served and fought for our freedom and all those who are still fighting. There really are no words to say except Thank you, and that doesn't even seem like enough. This is to honor all the people in my life that I know of personally that have fought or served in some way for our great country weather in war or in peace time:

My Grandpa, Clarence Vander Stoep
Jakes Grandpa, Andrew Murman
My Uncle, Conrad Vande Zandschulp
My Uncle, Jon Heie
My Brother-in-Law, Ryan Pendergrass
My Cousin, Jered Height
My Cousin, Cara Vande Zandschulp
My Friend, Sam Boland
My Friend, Jesse Boland
My Friend, Corey Ervin
My Friend, Cory Van Sloten
My Friend, Kyle Statema

This is for all of them, and all the other American Soldiers out there.

A Mothers Prayer

God, why?
Don’t worry about why
God, she needs a job
There will be one
God she needs a job now
In my time
God you have to be with her
I always am
God you have to protect their marriage, this is going to be tough on them
I will
God you have to keep her from doing anything stupid
I have it covered
God I just don’t understand
I know
God please heal her
I’m there for her
That’s not I’ll heal her
I know
OK God, I can’t do anything to make this OK
You don’t have to
Well, you’ll have to Help me trust you in this
I will
I love you
I love you too

Giving up control in this was another hard thing that God asked me to do and I knew I had to. The verse for the weekend came back to me ‘Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” I started praying that for Nikki and for me.

This is the prayer that my wonderful, amazing and God-fearing mother said for me when she found out I lost my job because of my sickness. And I know it must have been hard for her to pray some of these things, just because mostly like she said to me, she just doesn't understand what I am going through.

Later after she had prayed this prayer for me she began working on a talk she had to give at an adult retreat called Cursillo. She was searching a friends blog, and somehow came across mine, something she would later tell me was a "total God thing." She found this blog I had written.

This is what she wrote about that:

As I read through this blog on that morning I realized that Nikki had been writing this at almost exactly the same time I was sharing my heart with God about this exact situation. I couldn’t help but think about how faithful He is and how this fits exactly what perseverance is about.
Life isn’t easy…we go through storms……we get afraid and fall when we look only at the storm…an overcoming faith looks to Jesus. An overcoming faith rests in him.
All of the worries I had been carrying around on behalf of my daughter hadn’t helped her. They had caused me to focus on the storm and not the One who calms the storm. Here, in the middle of a life-challenging situation in the middle of a life-storm my daughter sought rest in the arms of Christ and was given the strength to persevere. In sharing that, she also spoke TRUTH into my life, reminding me once again, that perseverance isn’t something that we do on our own, it’s what He does in and through us.
God also reminded me through Nikki, that this journey isn’t one that we need to walk alone. She cried out to God, but she also cried out to her pastor, her family and her friends.


I love my mom. So much. I don't think I tell her that enough.

Red Rover, Red Rover, Send my Savior right over....

As you know a month ago I lost my job, that I loved due to this illness that I suffer with every day of my life, the big D. Depression. This past month has been a huge series of ups and downs, although I am sad to say that it has been mostly downs. I can say too, that this month has brought me back to my childhood. Not necessarily in a good way, just in a way that has made me realize how bad everything is right now and I think, no, I am sure I have hit rock bottom.

Lets compare shall we, all the ways the my life has become(sort of) like my childhood.

1. Doing everything I can and making every excuse in the book to not take a shower or a bath. Seriously, it really is that bad, I have gone 1 whole week plus a couple days without taking a shower and all because I just didn't feel like it. I wasn't going anywhere anyway, nobody was going to see me, and therefore I didn't "feel the need" to waste water on myself. I feel sorry for Jake mostly, because he had to deal with me every week, and he's been really good about it so far, but I think there might come a time when he might lock me in the bathroom, until I become so bored the only thing left to do after organizing the medicine cabinet is to take a shower. It's gross I realize this, but I just don't feel like it.

2. Staying up late until all hours of the night, having a slumber party, only this one is all by myself. Seriously, I haven't been sleeping normally. Last week I went almost 24 hours without any sleep. The reason? I don't want to go to bed knowing that I have nothing to get up for in the morning, and I don't have anywhere to go, so why bother!? Sad, I know.

3. Sleeping in. I remember how I cherished sleeping in on Saturday mornings during my junior high through college years. Seriously, if you ask my husband even now he would say there is no chance of waking me, I sleep like "the dead" and I often wake up in the exact same position that I feel asleep in, which is on my left side, snuggling with my body pillow. But seriously, along with the staying up until 5 in the morning everyday has come sleeping all day. Sometimes until 4 in the afternoon, just because then I won't have to think about not having to be anywhere or go anywhere, and then I have every excuse for why I didn't get the "chores" done.

4. Speaking of Chores. I would do everything, anything to get out of doing these as a child, and to tell you the truth I still do, to a point. My problem is that I like to put off doing things like washing the dishes or doing laundry until I have no dishes left, and the only thing I have left to wear is the "I love Shih'Tzus'" T-shirt and a pair of leggings, that I haven't worn in over 5 years. No. Lie. But really, now, it is out of control. I did dishes (by hand, because that's what you do when you have no dishwasher), for 2 hours the other day, and all because I don't "feel" like doing them, despite the fact that I am home all day. The laundry, nope not a chance that those clothes are getting washed, because the basement, it's just creep-tastic, and heaven forbid that I actually get out of my PJ's and get dressed like a normal person, and GO.OUT.SIDE. Gasp! People might see me, and the sun (when it's been out lately) is really bright! Who knew right?! These are all the excuses I make and have been making lately as to not do any of these household chores.

This has been my life the last month. I know it's sad. But it's reality for me. These are the things that I deal with, that I struggle with on a daily basis. It's hard to explain exactly why I do all these things, even I can't explain it, it defies a logic that even I cannot begin to understand. But, as sad as this life situation might be right now I know that my God, my Savior is holding me in the palm of his hand.

There are people everywhere praying for me and Jake, and things are getting better. Slowly. With time. I could say I expect a miracle, that I will be healed and this will all go away and I won't be "sick" or "crazy" anymore and I won't cry for no reason; and although I do believe in miracles I know that this is something I will inevitably deal with for the rest of my life.

I also know that even though I will have this "disease" for the rest of my life, that there are ways to control it, with medicine and doctors and therapy, and I am looking into all those things and combinations of those things to help me live a more normal and productive life.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have this disease and I am not ashamed to say that despite this disease I am a child of God, he loves me in spite of this and helps to carry me through all this. When he calls out "Red Rover, Red Rover, send Nikki right over!" Instead of letting me run through his arms He catches me and I run INTO his arms and he holds me there and lets me know how much he loves me, and how he will never let me go.

It's been awhile hasn't it?

These past few months have been a lot of ups and downs in life for both me and Jake. Jake started at ISU in Ag Engineering, a HUGE answer to so many prayers, so much time was spent with friends and family and working and just enjoying our second Summer here together in Ames. We even started attending a church here in Ames, called Bridgeway, and we know God has great things in store for this church and it's people!

My job was going really well, but I was and am still struggling with depression and it was starting to cause me to miss work. Yesterday I lost my job as a result of it, and now times are more stressful than ever. Today I received an email from my pastor, Pastor Bob as we call him, I had sent him and email yesterday about everything that was going on, and I'd like to share some of his response with you:

"As you go through this time, remember to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. We cannot muster up faith, but instead it comes as we lean on the One who is completely faithful to meet us in whatever we are facing. The great love, mercy and power of God in Christ Jesus is what grows our faith. Keep looking to him and claim is promises for you today that he will not leave or forsake you."

Just yesterday in church we had sermon about fear, and why we are afraid. Here are some of the notes that I took during that sermon:

There are 3 truths:

1. The storms in life we experience are real.

James 1:2-3 (TNIV) Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Romans 8:35-37 (TNIV) Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

2.Fear comes when we look only at the storm

*Fear is the opposite of Faith*

3.An Overcoming Faith looks to Jesus

*God does not always deliver us from the storm, but he WILL walk with us through all the storms in our life*

John 16:33(TNIV) "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Psalm 46:1-3 (TNIV) God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, thought the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though the waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Psalm 107:28-32 (TNIV) Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them five thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for humankind. Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

Woah. All I know is all that hit me on Sunday, and if it didn't resonate then, it sure did yesterday when part of my life crumbled around me. This is truly God using his word to touch and help shape our lives. These passages are all such a blessing to me and I know I will read them and study them more in the days and weeks to come. I know God will bring me through this, I "fell on my knees" today and cried out to God to show me his promise for my life, and to heal my sickness, and lead me wherever he wants and needs me to be. For him to show me the way because I cannot do this alone, for him to help me in my times of unbelief.....it was the most cleansing thing. After I finished there was this peace around me. I felt him there, once again in my little bedroom on Douglas Avenue. He's been there all along, I am the one who got lost.

Pastor Bob also emailed me the lyrics to a song. Another God thing. This song had been on my heart the previous week and has helped me immensely! Praise God!

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You


-Matt Redman

Even when I feel abandoned, I can.

This was my morning devotional the day after I wrote the last entry in this blog. Thanks be to God, Praise God! For even in my storm I can raise my hands and worship him!


“Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made him share our sin in order that in union with him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust Him in spite of your feelings, you worship Him in the deepest way.

Remember what God has already done for you. If God never did anything else for you, He would still deserve your continual praise for the rest of your life because of what Jesus did for you on the cross. God’s Son died for you! This is the greatest reason for worship.

Unfortunately, we forget the cruel details of the agonizing sacrifice God made on our behalf. Familiarity breeds complacency. Even before His crucifixion, the Son of God was stripped naked, beaten until almost unrecognizable, whipped, scorned and mocked, crowned with thorns, and spit on contemptuously. Abused and ridiculed by heartless men, He was treated worse than an animal.

Then, nearly unconscious from blood loss, he was forced to drag a cumbersome cross up a hill, was nailed to it, and was left to die the slow, excruciating torture of death by crucifixion. While His lifeblood drained out, hecklers stood by and shouted insults, making fun of His pain and challenging His claim to be God.

Next, as Jesus took all of mankind’s sin and guilt on himself, God looked away from that ugly sight, and Jesus cried out in total desperation, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” Jesus could have saved himself—but then He could not have saved you.

Words cannot describe the darkness of that moment. Why did God allow and endure such ghastly, evil mistreatment? Why? So you could be spared from eternity in hell, and so you could share in His glory forever! The Bible says, “Christ was without sin, but for our sake God made Him share our sin in order that in union with Him we might share the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21 TEV).

Jesus gave up everything so you could have everything. He died so you could live forever. That alone is worthy of your continual thanks and praise. Never again should you wonder what you have to be thankful for.

Need Your Prayers, Covet them

I have started to go "downhill" again. The depression is getting worse, and I feel the enemy is conspiring against me to bring me down and keep me there.
I know that something needs to change, to happen, but I am not sure what, I am kind of at a standstill. I have noticed it a while ago, but put it in the back of my mind, or out of my mind, hoping it would just go away! I mean I was feeling great, happy, full of life, why now, at one of the highest points in my life would this be happening, again.

I don't know what to do. On the one hand as much as I want things to be normal again for me, I know they never really will be. Normal for me is what I make it on a day to day basis, there are a lot of times that I must choose to be happy for that day, for that moment, because otherwise I fear it would never happen! My meds seem to be working okay, but then I think maybe I need a higher dosage, which I really don't want because then it's like I am getting worse, and I am really longing to be better, to be a more normal wife, daughter, sister, and friend to everyone around me. This is NOT fair for them, they deserve to have a happy, normal, easygoing me instead of the sad, hollow shell of me that has been walking around this planet lately.

What I do know, is that all I can do for this moment is to ask God to continue to hold me, hold my heart, and keep me close to Him, because I need that more than ever right now. He is my light in the darkness, I have witnessed this for myself, and has carried me through so many hard times (and good) in my life, even when I did not know or realize that He was there because my heart was so closed off to Him, little did I know then that He was chasing me, running after me, continuing to love and protect me, even in that darkness. I know He is still here. But right now He feels so far away.

So all I ask is for prayers. For me, for Jake, for my family and friends that they will know how to help me, what to say, and just continue to pray for understanding for people who don't understand or think that it is all in my head. For me I know that this is a battle of the heart, the mind, and the spirit. It is one of the most emotionally empty times I have ever felt in my life. I do not want to fall back into the emptiness that has been around me, lurking and waiting for me to trip back into it.

I need your prayers and covet them now more than ever.

Never Leave or Forsake

While reading my daily devotional, this is what I came across that really touched my heart. Especially in light of everything that I deal with on a daily basis and all the times I felt like God was so far away. It really made sense, and I never really thought of it this way before, but I understand so much better now why I went through the things I did and even in my darkest times He was still there, holding my heart.